Right off the bat I feel like I need to mention that I went to see Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2 at the movie theatre this afternoon.
I don’t even know what to say. I almost never go to the movie. But somehow in the last month I’ve found myself sitting in the SpongeBob Sponge Out of Water movie and now Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2, and while I guess it’s good that I’m going to the picture show again, I’m not sure why I’m letting myself get talked into seeing ALL THE WORST ONES.
There’s a 5th grader in this house who doesn’t have any complaints, though.
And shockingly, despite the fact that I never saw the first Paul Blart movie, I was in fact able to follow along with the sequel. I don’t think I missed any subtle nuances in the narrative or anything like that, mainly because Paul Blart just sort of ran into things and fell down a lot. There were some parts where I actually laughed out loud, but I won’t give anything away because SPOILERS. I would hate to think that I took away even a second’s enjoyment from the plot’s intricate twists and turns.
For the record, Alex Hudson laughed for a solid minute after the bird fight.
Clearly we are doing everything we can to instill in him a certain level of culture and sophistication.
But really, I can’t even think much about the movie right now because I have THE MOST EXCITING NEWS.
Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago I posted something on Instagram about the demise of my most favorite hair clip in the whole wide world. I was just about to make the drive from my hometown back to Birmingham when it quite literally fell apart, and I was so moved by the years we’d shared together that I felt the need to memorialize it.
RIP, beloved brown hair clippy. You served my bangs and me faithfully for more years than I can count. I don't even know where you came from, but together we traveled thousands of miles and also watched a shameful amount of Bravo. You provided unconditional respite and relief in the midst of all my many hair mishaps, and today, when you finally reached the end of a long life of service, I fought back tears. You were the best clippy I've ever known, and I will miss you. Farewell, sweet friend. Farewell.
I knew that a clippy of its caliber would be difficult if not impossible to find, and I tried to make my peace with the fact that most modern-day clippies are either much smaller or much larger. I made do with a very small clippy when I got home that night, and then the next day I picked up a possible clippy replacement in Publix.
They were fine – at first. The clip part was actually a good size and seemed to hold my hair pretty well, but I realized after an hour or so that the clips were top-heavy and hurt after a while. They’d flop over and cause the prongs to poke my scalp a little bit, and while there are few things I enjoy in life as much as pulling my bangs off of my face at the end of a long day, I do not in fact wish to sustain a minor head injury in the process. I think this is reasonable.
So. For the last three or so weeks, the top-heavy clippies and I have been trying to get along. I come home in the afternoons and pull my hair off of my face – but inevitably I’m yanking the clippy out of my hair by suppertime. Because I don’t know if I mentioned it but PRONGS.
Tonight I’ve been packing for my trip to Houston (I fly out late tomorrow afternoon), and just about an hour ago I was digging through my bathroom drawers, trying to find a plastic something-or-other to hold just the tiniest bit of my foundation so I don’t have to pack the whole bottle. I looked through my two main make-up drawers, and I decided on a lark to go through the drawer where I keep velcro rollers. I hardly open that drawer at all because I haven’t used velcro rollers regularly in about seven years, but I still hold on to the rollers because you never know when you might be faced with a hair emergency that only velcro rollers can fix. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE, OKAY?
I was just about to close the drawer when I spotted what I thought was a familiar looking logo towards the back, and as I pulled it out from under the rollers and realized what it was, I found myself fighting the temptation to, you know, SQUEAL.
OLD SCHOOL CLIPPIES.
Seriously. All I could do was think of that verse from Psalms that says (and I’m paraphrasing), Many, O LORD, are the wonders you have done, were I to name them I could not count them all.
Not that I was being dramatic or anything like that. Oh, heavens no. But can I just remind you one more time about something?
OLD SCHOOL CLIPPIES!
I couldn’t wait to see if they were everything I remembered. I had already taken one of the newer clippies out of my hair because, well, PRONGS, so I tried one of the old school clippies and y’all, it was like coming home. It’s lightweight, the hinge is solid, and it holds my bangs in place just beautifully.
The best part? I still have two back-ups! Should this clippy be unable to fulfill its duties and responsibilities, there is a first AND a second alternate ready to take its place.
I’m considering locking the alternates in a vault or at the very least a fire safe. It just makes good sense to take care of your valuables, you know?
So that’s pretty much my Sunday afternoon in a nutshell: Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 and an unexpected supply of old school clippies. The movie was just okay, but the clippies get two thumbs up from me.