So A Vase Walks Into A Bar…

As planned, the weekend found me participating in exciting activities such as washing clothes, folding clothes, putting away clothes, and hanging up clothes. I know you hate that you missed the minute-by-minute details of it all, but never fear: Us magazine came by and took some pictures and will be chronicling the whole Laundry Spectacular in their January 29 issue.

Just to, you know, remind Britney and Paris about what underwear looks like and all.

GOODNIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

The weekend really was great, except for the part where D. and I had a bit of a disagreement Saturday morning after Alex started screaming crying because the FedEx man didn’t stay here long enough for them to have a lengthy conversation. I signed for the package, and when the FedEx man started walking back up the driveway, Alex started screaming “BUT I WANTED TO SAY GOOD MORNING, MAMA! I WANTED TO SAY GOOD MORNING!”

I tried (unsuccessfully) to calm him down and then he threw open the front door and tried to chase the FedEx man up the hill. So D. used Stern Voice to tell Alex to come back inside and I was all “don’t be too hard on him, he just wanted to be friendly” and D. was all “I think it’s probably a good idea to teach him that he shouldn’t chase after strangers,” which, in retrospect, is an excellent point, but at the time all I could think about was that my child was upset because he didn’t get a chance to ask the delivery man how he was doing on a fine Saturday morning, oh bless his heart.

Good times.

But I did get a few little decorating projects done around the house, and I did play trains with Alex, and I did watch lots of movies, and I did stay in my pajamas a shameful amount of time. I also went to TJ Maxx (twice!), Ross (back tomorrow!), and Old Time Pottery (want to go back right now!) because I’ve been on the hunt for some big, bright, funky vases to go on top of the cabinet behind our bar.

Now you may not realize this, because I certainly wasn’t privy to this information until we bought this house, but apparently people who built homes in 1974 didn’t even try to conceal the wet bar behind doors. They just put the bar in the corner of the living room and made it a focal point, hence the need for accessorizing.

To wit:

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And now that I’ve actually uploaded the picture of the bar and examined said picture closely, I feel that a few clarifications might be in order:

1) Yes, I do blog from the bar. And what you see on the computer is the draft of the post you’re reading right now, which really makes this particular image just like a house of mirrors, people. It’s a house of mirrors!

2) The brass thing with the pinecones in it (to the right of the computer) has absolutely no business being on the bar. But I was moving stuff around this weekend, and I didn’t really have anywhere to put it, so I just stuck it there. However, now I feel that it might give our guests the impression that, as they enjoy their favorite beverage, they should feel free to snack on not only pinecones but dried gourds as well. Which is neither very appetizing nor hospitable, now is it?

3) Yes, that’s a cross you see hanging behind the bar. Why? I don’t know – maybe I was trying to give the bar area a certain Baptist charm? Like yes, we’re Baptist, and yes, we have a big bar in our living room, but we have the cross hanging back there so it can make all the fire water holy?

Have mercy.

4) There’s an empty wine rack. What’s the point? Because it’s cute, maybe? But if there’s no wine, isn’t it sort of a needless accessory? Have I become more Baptist than I ever dreamed?

(Answer: no. Because if that were the case, I’d have all the wine hidden under the cabinets so y’all couldn’t see it.)

BADA-BING! THANK YOU!

5) If you look very carefully through the glass on the second door from the right, you’ll see juice glasses. ORANGE JUICE GLASSES. Behind the bar.

Clearly I am undeserving of the bar amenity.

6) Check out the light fixture. It came with the house, and it makes me want to sing the theme from “Cheers.” As an added bonus, it has a dimmer, which really creates some romantic mood lighting when you’ve sidled up to the bar to drink a little OJ from one of those juice glasses with big yellow flowers. Or when you’d like a glass of pretend wine from the empty wine rack.

Never let it be said that we don’t know how to entertain with style, my friends.

Anyway. To get back to my point (just so you know: I had to scroll back up to the top of the post, re-read what I’d written, and only then was I able to discern what my original point was), I wanted some funky vases in bright colors to go on the top of the cabinet behind the bar. I mean, if I don’t have any wine to offer our visitors, the least I can do is to say “LOOK! PRETTY COLORS!”

And I found just what I was looking for:

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Thus concludes the most pointless post in the history of the internet, brought to you with pride by yours truly.

It has been my distinct privilege to assist you in wasting your time.

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Comments

  1. I love the vases. I love the whole bar area. Very nice. And your post was quite entertaining.

  2. Girl! You are a bona fide RIOT. I swear, you make me laugh more than anyone else I’ve ever met. Glad you had a good weekend. Love your vases. And methinks a trip to the liquor store is in order to fill that adorable wine rack. :-) Welcome back!

  3. Hee, hee! You’re on a roll girl! The Baptist joke in #4 cracked me up! (not that I have any personal experience with that or anything. TECHNICALLY we’re non-denominational so…)

    :D

    And boy, really, the way you and D carry on with your fighting and all … sheesh! Have y’all considered counseling? (I’ve had bigger fights with my a curling iron.) ;-)

  4. I was just about to scroll up to the top of the post when you mentioned that you had to, too! :) too funny.

    By the way, love the vases.

  5. OH, sweet Addie, there was more to the “disagreement” than I mentioned…but I didn’t figure anyone would be interested in a complete play-by-play of the discussion. It was a springboard, though – take my word for it. :-)

  6. i love the wall color and the vases look great. my kids always run after the ups man but he lives in our commmunity so they know him and all. still, it makes us seem desperate for “socialization.”

  7. Vases for a cabinet and glasses for orange juice? Not, like, grape juice? Just orange juice? What do you drink, uh, apple juice out of? Lemonade?

    You need to come over here. Not just because I would love to see you, but also because I’d like to show you my cabinet full of every variety of restaurant kids’ cups.

    We serve everything out of those.

    Even the wine.

    (Love the vases.)

  8. Well, I’ve tried to appease everybody…the FedEx man will be back with a delivery. I’ve placed an emergency order to liquor.com and wines.com (we Episcopalians have those sites bookmarked, you know). :)
    xo,

  9. Ah, I see.

    And really, wouldn’t you just love to go to OH, and have a glass, I mean a cup of wine with Lori!

  10. My first comment was back on the post on donations for Kelli…however, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and you are simply HILARIOUS! Your posts always make sense to me, even if you think you’re rambling. My brain must just work the exact same way! :) Love it!

  11. Rocks in my Dryer says:

    My favorite joke of all time (actually the only one I can ever remember):

    Q–Why do you always take two Baptists with you fishing?

    A–Because if you only took one, he’d drink all your beer.

    *Thunderous laughter from the girl who grew up Baptist*

  12. Shannon’s joke cracked me up. As did this post. I’m picturing Alex running after the FedEx man while D yells STOP! and you yell GO!. Poor kid.

    I still think that’s really YOU laying on the ground gasping for air in that profile photo. I don’t know WHO you think you’re kidding! Bet you tripped and fell, chasing some delivery man.:-)

  13. Where, oh where, is the diet Coke tap in your bar?

    And you call yourself a lover of DC.

    ;)

  14. There really isn’t that much difference between Methodists and Baptists, you know, except that a Methodist will speak to you in the liquor store.

    Love the vases!

  15. I have NEVER laughed this hard at ANYTHING on the internet. EVER. This is just outrageously hilarious. Keep it comin’!

  16. Hey, you recently practically funded an entirely brand new kidney for Kelli, some discord, bright glassware, and humorous anecdotes are TOTALLY called for. :)

  17. If I bring some whine – can I come over?? ;-)

  18. You.Drink.Wine? Inconceivable.

    Shocked. Stunned. Aghast.

    (referring to the fact the DIET COKE was NO WHERE mentioned in the aforementioned article of mentioning things on the aforementioned bar)

    Poor Alex. STOP GO STOP GO STOP GO!!!

    If it makes you feel any better at all, I drink approximately two glasses of wine a year (usually after long conversations with PayPal employees). But diet Coke? At least two cans a day. AT LEAST. So my priorities are set ever-firm on the diet Coke side of things. YES MA’AM. And now I can’t get that diet Coke spigot that Sarah mentioned out of my mind. Oh, a girl can dream…. ;-)

  19. I don’t have doors on my wet bar either, and I also have a cross hanging in it. :)

  20. Oh my goodness, I just laughed out loud, unabashedly, just like you were sitting right here! So funny!

  21. I think you REALLY bought those vases to hold your stash of malt liquor and Virginia Slims. That’s what I think.

  22. You are so funny…Thank you for blogging…you give all of us a good laugh!

  23. Good night, you are funny, woman.

  24. We also all know that a good Alabama Baptist also goes across town to an unknown grocery store to buy their (ahem) orange juice .

    ~tonya

  25. I have to agree with a few other comments…You make me laugh!….
    I love the new colors of bottles…
    I love the comment in #4 about (Answer: no. Because if that were the case, I’d have all the wine hidden under the cabinets so y’all couldn’t see it.)

    Oh yeah and about the FedEx guy….my little guy is like that as well…I do the same thing…let him say hi..and hubby reminds me it’s probably not good to chase after strangers…I think I lost part of my brain after giving birth. :-) common sense anyway :-)

  26. Oh dear. And I thought you couldn’t get any funnier?

    From one baptist girl (who does have a shockingly good selection of wine at my house, by the way) to another:

    Invite one Baptist Deacon over to your house for a dinner meeting and he’ll drink all your wine. Invite over the whole committee of deacons and nobody will drink anything. Or something like that, but I can’t tell jokes half as good as BooMama does.

    Seriously. Who’s this Hillary chick? BooMama ’08. I’d vote for you.

  27. I found your website through several others during your “Christmas Tour of Homes” and I’m so glad I did…you make me smile :) BTW, our home’s former owners were a bit more discrete in their “orange juice” drinking…our bar is in the basement. And I don’t know any Baptists (I’m from the Midwest and very Lutheran) but you sure sound like a fun bunch!

  28. Hey- SPEAKING of PayPal employees …. I have MORE to share on the whole WHICH WAY does Kelli’s trees lean.

    I doubt I cna make it as funny as you … but I did get to crack at least two more jokes on the phone- to which I garnered ab.so.bloomin.lut.ely NO laughs.

    They really need to hire more humor based folks, ya know!

  29. Phyllis R. says:

    One of your best titles to a post EVER. You crack me up.

  30. GIRL, you need to just rip the doors off and make it bookshelves and just go with the BLOG OFFICE HEADQUARTERS thing… or the OJ glasses look nice too;)

  31. Ha haah! This had me cracking up! I frequent your blog – but don’t think I’ve ever commented here – but I couldn’t pass this up. From a inappropriate “baptist” to another – HIDE THAT WINE BOTTLE girl – you’re makin’ us look bad. Just kidding! I think that is so hilarious. Let them talk – they’re leaving me alone when they’re talkin’ about you!
    Nice to meet you – great post!

  32. And I’ve wasted my time quite humorously :D xoxo melzie ps nice vases! ;)

  33. we always fill our wine rack that is built into the kitchen wall with martinellies

  34. Sarah Kate in WA state says:

    Oh my! You never fail to CRACK ME UP!! It was well worth the late night “I’ll just check BooMama’s blog one more time before I head to bed, in case she happens to have posted something new” stop by the laptop. :) Love the vases, and the Baptist jokes. Now I’m off to bed with the “Cheers” theme song running through my mind nonstop, compliments of the light fixture in your bar! :)

  35. HILARIOUS POST!
    As a proud former owner of one of those exposed wet bars, I can TOTALLY appreciate your post. I once blogged from there too and can remember a LONG conversation with my mother-in-law over the objection to hanging my children’s portraits in the bar.
    My sweet 88 year old grandmother-in-law said…”now, honey, can’t we just have some doors built?” and a visitor (or three) have commented, “Now that’s an interesting place for your kitchen!”
    Oy vey!

  36. Some how I am not surprised that you blog from a bar (LOL…only kidding!) but I get such a hoot out of the 70’s ideas of really cool times…hanging out at the bar at HOME…just think — it is a bar and it is at home – what’s not to love??? Kitty and Red would be so proud!

    The colors do look great up there!

  37. I’m one of those people who would get distracted by the pretty colors of the vases. BUT if you offered me some of that “orange juice” then I would immediately forget the vases. ;-) We had a wet bar in one of the houses I lived in growing up. We kept books on the shelves and used the surface for the telephone.

    This post cracked me up. :-) I do think a Coke tap would be an excellent addition!

  38. The title is genius. The post is hilarious. And Sister’s comment about did me in.

    Let me know when the FedEx guy gets there with your delivery from Liquor.com and I’ll be right over.

    Oh, and the vases look great!

  39. Nice bar.

    Cas
    Be careful which church members you invite into your living room!

  40. Where exactly did you end up finding the vases?

  41. First of all, reading your posts is never a waste of time.

    Second, I love the colorful vases! Very nice!

  42. Very entertaining! Still stuck on your visiting the Maxx TWICE! Plus Ross & Old Time Pottery??!!… too many tears to finish commenting…

  43. I found your post to be entertaining. Thanks for the read on this snowy day in NY.

  44. Hi there. I loved your last post…so entertaining. From what I could see in the picture, you have a beautiful home. I love going to TJ Maxx and Ross too!

  45. My first thought on the picture was “There is no wine in that rack!” Then I noticed the vases. I do have my priorities right after all. (Lovely vases, btw.)

    Let Alex say hello, D. He’s just like his mama, so you might as well let it flourish under your guidance. There’s no rule that says you couldn’t have run with him to the FedEx truck…

    Let me know when your delivery arrives. I’ll come help you unpack the wines…

  46. And this is what you did on your bloggy-break vacation? You put the rest of us to shame.

  47. Glad I didn’t put any mascara on today. “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.” (trivia question: this line is from what movie?)

  48. Oh, you are in fine form here! :0)

  49. thoroughly entertaining post :) Love the bar stools by the way!

  50. Well, if you really don’t drink alcohol, you can put Martinelli’s and sparkling grape juice in the wine rack.

    Our church has no disciplines restricting our drinking of alcohol, so that isn’t an issue for us, but lots of people don’t drink, my husband, for instance. He says that I’m the designated drinker in the family. ;)

    I love your posts!

  51. How do you do it? Oh wait, must be the OJ! Every time I think you can’t be funnier, you post something like this…

  52. oh, LOL!! you know, I am always going to picture you blogging from the bar, from now on.

    like the vases, very sassy.

  53. Wait a second. You mean you are telling me that you took an absolutely excellent scrapbooking area and turned it into a bar?

    hee,hee

  54. I say christen that bar with a VIRGIN cocktail party. A couple of years ago we had a young adults New Years and bought a bunch of cool martini glasses and a shaker. I hunted up a few great non-alcholic drinks like a “safe-sex on the beach” and a “fuzzy navel” – they were a hit. We didn’t have a kitschy (sp?) bar but hubby did manage to shake them all up, add garnishes and serve’m like a pro. (The party did get a bit outta control mind you – not good to give the thirty-something crowd sooo much sugar late at night!)
    Love your blog and your heart!

  55. It’s a good Thing my house is empty tonight. If my children were home they would come running to find out why their mother is laughing like an idiot who’s lost her mind. I specially loved the line about making all the fire water holy. I was raised Baptist, and recently learned that many Baptists hide a dorm-room sized refrigerator in their closets to house their beer and wine; it’s called a Baptist box! Boomama, no one else on the internet makes me laugh as long and as loudly as you do. Thank you.

    ~TaunaLen

  56. Ijust stumbled across this, from the WAHM site. You just got me laughing out loud on a really crummy rainy morning – thank you. I think the twice-a-year diet Cokes, after phone conversations with PayPal employees, is what sent me over the edge. THANK YOU!

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