Because I Know You’ve All Been Losing Sleep Over This Terribly Important Matter

I forgot to tell y’all something!

I bought some jeans!

I did!

And you’re not going to believe where. Well, yeah you probably will. But first, an explanation.

I read every single one of your eighty eight comments about blue jeans, and I investigated most of the recommended jeans on the interweb. Style-wise I really liked several of them, and y’all are so jean-savvy that you actually told me about brands I didn’t even know existed. I did recognize the Gloria Vanderbilt brand, however, because when I was in fifth grade I had some aqua green GV corduroys (complete with the swan logo on the hip pocket), and I used to wear them to the skating rink and keep my comb in my back pocket just like I liked it. I could scarcely make it around the rink one time before I had to whip out that plastic Goody comb; it seems that even at the ripe old age of ten I realized that skating might great for the legs, but it’s flat-out murder on the hair.

[And don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your jeans may have been Chic instead of Gloria Vanderbilt, but you totally had that comb in your back pocket. Oh yes ma’am you did. And you sure enough used it right before you got ready for a couple skate. YEAH you did.]

[And hands up if you did the cross-over-arms-hold-hands-with-a-partner-lean-back-and-skate-in-a-circle move.]

Anyway, I was resolved to hit the mall and shop for jeans a couple of weekends ago, but then I remembered that I hate a mall. I really do. We have a big Shopping Extravaganza with every store you’d ever need and/or want about ten minutes from our house, and I never, ever want to go. It overwhelms me. I figure that between all the stores there are at least 174 brands of denim from which to choose, and while I wanted to be adventurous and try on every single brand y’all recommended, I couldn’t do it. I worried that I would get to the fifth brand and lose my mind in the dressing room and run through the store with the legs of the jeans on my arms and be all, “RARRRR! RARRRR!” as I tried to escape from my denim prison.

And y’all would be terribly disappointed in me.

So I decided that it made to the most sense to limit my search to the stores I visit almost daily: Walmart(s) and Steinmart(s).

Why, you ask?

1) Because both stores are close to my house.
and
2) Because I am cheap.

My friend Lea Margaret swears by a brand called Jeanstar that they (supposedly) carry at Steinmart(s), so I thought I’d try those first. OH! But this was after I bought a pair of jeans at Ross for TWELVE NINETY NINE that actually fit pretty well but, according to D., made me look like someone who was secretly hoping to leave her life as a mama behind so that she could join an all-girl hip-hop group. Which is perfectly understandable, really, because I do have some mad rapping skillz.

Anyway, my Steinmart(s) does not carry the Jeanstar brand, apparently, but I did try on a different brand that seemed like they might have some potential until I realized that they had a big glittery butterfly decal on the right leg. And I know they’re God’s creatures and all, but I am terribly frightened of butterflies what with that whole larvae stage and cocoon emergence and what have you, not to mention the fact that if I was planning to wear blue jeans with a butterfly on the leg, I probably should’ve gotten that out of my system back in my skating rink days. They would’ve looked fabulous with a Goody comb tucked in the back pocket.

So then I went to Walmart(s) because I remembered T. at There Is A Season‘s comment where she mentioned something about Faded Glory jeans. Actually I think she said “FG jeans,” but I knew what the initials stood for because I am all about some Walmart fashion.

To make a long story endless, I will tell you that the Faded Glory stretch boot cut jeans are my favorite jeans ever. They come up high enough over a post-baby belly (yes, I had my child almost four years ago, but apparently I hold on to that extra flab because I’m, I don’t know? sentimental about it? maybe?) so that the dreaded muffin-top effect is but a faint memory. They’re also cut really long in the legs so that they look great with boots – and they’re generous enough in the thighs that they make a nice, straight line from your hips to your knees, thereby concealing those pesky saddlebags, not that I have any of those since I’m a size 2 and weigh 104 pounds.

Pardon me while I clear my throat for a moment.

Also, the Faded Glory stretch bootcuts jeans don’t have any “adornment” on the pockets except for some very simple stitching, and I love that because I’m not sure why any mama would want and/or need reflective bedazzling on her rear end. At least in my case, big silver studs across the back pockets of jeans do nothing but create a marquee effect, a marquee that’s pretty much telling everyone to LOOK HERE because it’s BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER BEFORE.

Best of all? Faded Glory stretch boot cut jeans are less than $20. LESS THAN TWENTY DOLLARS.

Now all I need is a comb and some roller skates, and I’ll be good to go.

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Comments

  1. Oh my goodness I just bought some Jeanstar tonight for $14.95, on the sale rack thank you very much, 50% off. I did not even know they were “suppose” to be good jeans. Next time I will have to check out the Faded Glory.

  2. So I should ditch the suggestion that you getchew some velour pants with the big sparkly BLING in script across the rear end?

    What about JUICY?

    Oh yeah. No place for the comb. Rats.

  3. I am fairly new to your blog, but am laughing hysterically because you are so describing my teenage years at the skating rink! And funny thing, just the other day I asked a girl at the office what kind of jeans she had on because they looked fabulous and lo and behold, they were from Wal-Mart! Guess I’ll be heading over to Wally World real soon and will be a return visitor to your blog!

  4. Reflective bedazzling …. marquee …. comb in the pocket…..

    Oh. My. Word.

    *snort*

    *snort* *snort*

    *snort* snort* *guffaw* *chortle* choke* *snort* *wheeze* *rolling on floor* *hysterical* *gasping* *snort*

  5. sounds like you hit upon a bargain and a very stylish pair of jeans. you must be the shopping queen. thanks for sharing that very valuable information for the rest of us moms, still dealing with the muffin top.

  6. Yo-yo-yo dog!

    I was just auditioning for that all girl hip-hop group you might be starting. ;-)

    And Jeana, really the comb factor is the ONLY reason why I don’t wear Juicy bling on my back end! :D

  7. “LOOK HERE because it’s BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER BEFORE.”

    Makes me think of “75% more FREE” stickers on shampoo – you are HILarious

  8. That is some funny stuff. Congrats on the new jeans! :)

  9. Jean shopping is a form of torture for me and has been since the preteen years. They don’t make jeans for ladies with womanly figures. I’m not large, just curvy. I’m seriously depressed after jean shopping and feel like I need to hit the bar for a few afterward. It is just too stressful. I currently own 1 pair and I just keep washing them. I’ll have to try the FG stretch boot cut. Maybe I can move up to 2 pairs. OOO, the luxury.

  10. You GO GIRL!!! I’m thoroughly impressed!!

  11. Chic
    Gloria Vanderbilt
    Calvin Klein
    Izods
    Members Only jackets
    Tretorns
    Add a bead necklaces

    Good times, I tell you. GOOD TIMES.

    Only I could never do the cross arm thingie cause I could never skate backwards and neither could the dorks I skated with.

  12. HOW CAN YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH SO HARD OVER A PAIR OF JEANS?? Will you adopt me and make me laugh ALL.DAY.LONG.?

    I think a picture is in order!

  13. Phyllis R. says:

    I can just smell the Final Net Extra Hold that would waft from my shellacked hair- DON’T at Skate World. Talk about sweating to the oldies! Love that you found some jeans that will BEDAZZLE for all the right reasons!

  14. And I’m always to embarrassed to actually try on clothes at wal-mart. It all stems back to junior high when only dorks wore wal-mart and I had to have the cool stuff and wouldn’t be caught dead even looking in the direction of the wal-mart clothes. I’m old now. I’m a mom. I need to GET OVER IT.

    Congrats on your jeans.

  15. As soon as you post a picture of you in your new jeans, I’ll be sendin’ ya the rainbow laces for your skates. Cuz it’s all about those laces ya know.

    Gayle

  16. Yes, please post a picture of those jeans (on or off). I, too, thought I couldn’t buy Wal-Mart jeans, but mommy figures make us rethink such ideas. I would like to own more pairs of jeans that didn’t require me to tuck my excess, post-pregnancy, tummy skin into the waistband.

  17. I still have and use my bright yellow Goody comb! My daughter came home from school the other day and said she had to take something “really old, like from the 80’s” to school for a project. I immediately thought of my comb, since I’ve had it since 1978! My jeans were Chic! I love how you call it Wal-mart(s) and Steinmart(s)!

  18. And I swanee by my Lee Riders (mid-rise, stretch, boot cut) from Walmart(s). Love them.

  19. I had those aqua Gloria Vanderbilt jeans in the fourth grade, I had the comb in my back pocket, and yes ma’am I skated in a circle with crossed arms while leaning back.

    Does it say something that as Moms we are buying jeans called Faded Glory?

  20. I love this post!

  21. I had the comb, yes, but mine was a truly horrible olive green. NOT COOL. Apparently it was on sale and my ever so frugal/thrifty mother bought me one as I’d been coveting one for ages. So pity me. I was not hip. Sniff.

    I buy Gap Classic Fit jeans and get this…I buy them off ebay!!! USED JEANS!! Can you imagine?? That is so not me, but they’re at least $50 on the Gap website!! A few years ago I bought four pairs off ebay and they’re just starting to wear down in the knees (a childless friend asked why on earth my jeans get holes in the knees at my age…she doesn’t understand how much time I spend on the floor with the kids!!) so it’s time to hit ebay again. Bet I could find a hip comb there, too.

  22. I never skated with a comb.

  23. I know what you mean about a muffin top.
    Wal-mart also carry’s a jean called denim riders….they have a longer crouch and more seat room.They are a stretchy jean,that helps a lot.I like to be able to get my hands in my pockets without a shoe horn,thank you very much.
    the panels below the waist band give a more comfortable fit plus they stretch when you need.I hate pants so tight,that when you sit down it feels like you grow another chest set;).
    Have a good day Mrs Boo,and hug the “Little One” for me.

  24. Too funny……

    My daughter used to love to say my jeans brand should be, “Caution-Wide Load”.

    But jokes on her…she inherited my junque in da trunque……*bwahahaha!*
    (it’s just that HER trunk is a LOT littler than MY trunk)

  25. Boot cut jeans are a mama’s best friend.

    How you can make jean shopping so entirely satisfying and entertaining is beyond me. You have a gift. All I can write about is poop.

    And Pace can totally do the worm–he used to breakdance steps on the courthouse steps in Charlotte for money when he was little. Y’all should get together sometime. :-)

  26. GV jeans? Check.
    Skating rink? Check.
    Cross-over-arms-hold-hands-with-a-partner-lean-back-and-skate-in-a-circle move? SOOOOOO check!
    Comb in back pocket? Have you seen my profile photo?

  27. Y’all CRACK. ME. UP.

    I just don’t think I fit in with this group of mamas. I never even owned a pair of roller skates. Gasp! I’m afraid *this* mama was wearing Huggies when the comb was in your back pocket. I’m doomed to be a mixture of generations, it seems. Sigh.

  28. The only thing I don’t like about the Faded Glory jeans is that I take one size larger in them than my Gap ones (or my Gloria Vanderbilt for that matter). I know it shouldn’t matter to me, but I’m shallow like that… even if I cut the tag off, I still remember the number…

    Mary, mom to many

  29. I’m one of those that am reminded of my high school days when only Levi’s were cool jeans and girls who wore FG were made fun of. However, after having Zach, I found those fit me best. Just last week I had to break down and find a new pair, ended up buying a pair at Ross (forget the brand) for 12.99. I used to wear jeans from Old Navy but they stopped carrying the bigger sizes (anything over a 16 in teens) here at ours.

    As for the skating rink, that was my high school hangout. However, our songs were the ones from Sheryl Crow. I remember firmly skating with my girls to “If it makes you happy”.

    I also agree……we need a picture.

  30. EXCUSE ME – where I grew up only the snobby cheerleader types wore the GV’s the rest of us wore Jordache LOLOL But we ALL had that huge comb!! OH MY GOSH you’re killing me!! My best friend actually wore her Jordache jeans so tight that she almost couldn’t get the comb in the back pocket! the skating rink was THE (only) place to be on the weekends in the small town where I grew up! OH When they played “Rappers Delight” THAT was THE song to be skating to!
    By the way those fade glory boot cut jeans are great.

  31. Ashleigh’s (comment #27) mom here again. She may not be old enough to remember the comb in the back pocket while skating…but I am! I was at skating rink every Friday night! And I had a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Mine were red with royal blue piping down the legs. Oh yeah! They were *totally* cool. : )

  32. Count me as a believer! I found these jeans a couple of years ago during the After-Thanksgiving sale and paid zilch for them so I thought- if they crawl I’ll toss’em!

    No crawling! No riding up! No gaping canyon on the backside! Comfortable! Long enough?-yes! and like you said Cheap!Cheap!Cheap!

    Love your blog- like so many others :) Glad to see you’ve come to find some britches you can call your own. Watch out for that lycra hidden in those pants. Those boogers will shrink before you very eyes!

    Oh, and if I could add to your flashback sequence…..my purple rabbit’s foot hanging from my beltloop & the thrill of “Another One Bites Dust” booming through the oh-so-fine sound system!

    Thanks for the laughs :)

  33. Skating rink days…Aaaahhh…that brings me back to the days of big hair, hairspray addiction, and kissing in the corner. I wore my Gloria Vanderbilts and my Chic jeans proudly back then. Oh, well, I guess I will tuck in my “muffin top” from my three kiddos into my plus-size jeans and go to the grocery store. It was nice to remember those simpler times. Thanks for the laugh this morning! Blessings

  34. I never made it past “And don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Your jeans may have been Chic instead of Gloria Vanderbilt, but you totally had that comb in your back pocket.”

  35. I miss those days, 40+ years ago when it was simple to buy a pair of jeans. First of all they only had about two choices, and everything fit, nothing hung over. I should have enjoyed it more. Now I buy anything I can find with a 34″ inseam. Not too picky beyond that.

  36. I had the banana clip hair — please tell me I was not alone –and the 20 foot high bangs teased within and inch of thier lives!

    I didn’t do the cross arms thing — but I could sit and put one leg out and turn the curves and skate the whole rink backwards!

    The only problem with the FG jeans is the knees don’t last as long as Gap or Levis. That irritates me – but really for less than $20 who can complain (besides me)

    And one more thing! Stop posting such funny stuff – poor Kelli can’t take it! ;-)

  37. I so had the comb and the banana hair clip!

  38. I have a pair of Faded Glory jeans. I didn’t even THINK about my Faded Glory jeans so I told you about St. Johns’ Bay (which are more expensive). FD jeans are are the most wonderful, comfortable, nice looking CHEAP jeans in the world!

  39. I’m with you: why would I advertise that which I am trying to hide? And although I did the roller skating, I never carried the comb in my back pocket. I was never taught that hair needed to be touched again and again after you brushed it in the morning… Which may explain why my hair is the way it is today and why I usually sat out during the Couples Only Skate. How on earth did I ever get married?

    Congrats on scoring good cheap jeans! You go girl, from one Walmart shopper to another.

  40. I found out about your blog from a co-worker and have been reading for a while. I think you are a hoot! My favorite jeans are some Levi’s from Walmart. I wear them more than the expensive stuff. I also went back and read some previous posts and I went to high school with your husband’s friend Todd! What a small world!!

  41. Ok… Publix last night, Walmart tonight. I know you’re just tryin’ to help a sista out… but you’re breakin’ me! ;-)

  42. Oh yes, I did the comb in the back pocket. I think 5th Grade was the start of that for me. I had feathered bangs and I’m pretty sure I wore calvin cline jeans.
    Funny thing going on in my life. My little girl turns thirteen next weekend and this weekend she’s going skating. A boy named Bradley asked her to couple skate. I need to give her a comb for her back pocket.

  43. Oh and I wanted to tell you congratulations for making such a grand entrance in the lpm blog! That was so much fun! You’ve inspired Beth…and me too. I like being in good company!

  44. Maybe I saw you at the skating rink? We used to all line up like a conga line and all do the same footwork with our skates…we called it truckin!! I had the Calvin Klien jeans and the Levi’s with the white patch on the back. I too had a thick plastic comb in my back pocket! I tell my kids these stories and they just roll their eyes!!
    I love your Blog!! Thanks for reminding me of my Youth!!

  45. I almost forgot, my back pocket comb said “chic” and I had no idea what that meant.

  46. Forget about the jeans, BooMama, you’ve forced me to relive my skating inadequacies. Cross-over hold? Lean back? No, ma’am. How about go straight until you’re forced to SLOWLY turn? Comb? Uh-Uh. I was concentrating to hard on turning slowly. Meanwhile, all my friends were having KISSING CONTESTS in the back booth while AC/DC’s “Another One Bites The Dust” played.
    Madeline got invited to a skating party last week. Oh, no. We did not go. I don’t care if she’s six. They still play that song.

  47. WTG on the jeans!! :)

  48. BooMamma – I found your site a few weeks ago(I didn’t even know what a blog was!!), and I’m enjoying every minute of it! I love all things southern…. and you’re one of my new favorites! :) I think (from my 3 weeks of reading) that you’re in Alabama. We are too. I know you’re a bulldog, but I must sign off with a big War Eagle! (Oh my – how I love SEC football!!!)

  49. Ok…I am a HUGE lurker of your blog. LOVE it! And now, only now, do I feel the need to write a comment…because you brought back memories of fifth grade.

    We totally had the comb in our back pockets. But, for some unknown reason…we TRADED combs with the boy we were “going-with”!!! How crazy is that? It signified that we were together. So, some boys would have PINK combs in their back pockets. And, if you’d break up, you’d give the comb back. What were we thinking?

    I am so glad the banana-clip wearing, Jordache jean clad, teased-hair to the sky days are over!

    Keep the laughs coming, BooMama. I check your blog MANY times a day waiting for my daily dose of comedy.

  50. LOL. “Muffin Top.” And THAT is exactly why I am losing weight. The big booty was bad but the muffin top did me in. ;)

    Glad you found some good jeans that fit – that’s truly something to be happy about!!

  51. Glad you found a pair of jeans you like.

  52. Calvin jeans…comb and everyone stopping to watch THRILLER on the “big” screen…am I alone????

  53. Sharing the love: Y’all HAVE to try this website – http://www.zafu.com/index.jsp – where you enter information about your body type and answer questions about problems you usually have with jeans (they always gap in the back on me). Then the site searches hundreds of pairs of jeans to find the fit that’s right for you. It really worked for me! And I detest trying on jeans, so the one-stop-shopping trip and one trying-on experience the site afforded me were awesome!

  54. Grab your jeans, comb and skates and join me and some middle school girls this Wednesday for some skatin’ fun! Glad you found your jeans, they are the staple of my exsistence and when one day I have a 10 item wardrobe, a dream of mine, you can bet 2 of those items will be jeans!
    With jeans you’re free to wipe your hands on your pants, dress them up, dress them down, wear them for countless days on end, oh I just love a good pair of jeans!

  55. I sooo remember the comb in the back pocket phase. It was quite a coup to find a comb that had a decorated handle!!

  56. So glad I could do my part for all the women around the world, well ok in the blogosphere. I have not lost all my vanity hence the initials in my previous comment using “FG”. However, when asked I will certainly brag on a Wal Mart “find” in a heartbeat – LOL! I also like that they don’t have any glaring tags on them that advertise to anyone interested or concerned that they are indeed Faded Glory jeans. Again, glad to provide you a better nights sleep than you could get from a Tylenol PM!

  57. Have you seen the jeans in Wal-Mart with the tag that reads something like “Promises to Slim!” And sure enough it shows a picture of tall AND slim gal in those jeans and I think her shirt is unbuttoned part way and blowing back, which is so like how I wear my shirt in Wal-Mart. Anyway, (perhaps I should have written my own post, no?) a part of me wants to just take the entire rack of jeans and put it my cart – the gullible part – and the the other part – the part that is given to outbursts in public places – wants to scream LIAR LIAR SLIM PANTS ON FIRE!

    So, have you seen them?

  58. Morgan mentioned Thriller

    By the Time Thriller was on MTV, I was in the 10th Grade. I had my first boy/girl party that ended up being about 70 people in my house. It was all very innocent. Even my girls SS Teacher came by. We stopped what we were doing in our tracks and watched the premier Thriller Video.

  59. Hooray for new jeans! I need several pairs myself, but I’m waiting until I weigh less. :)

  60. Well I didn’t skate…was too busy checking out the guys at the air hockey table and Galaga video game…

  61. Oh, girl….you are so funny! I sooo had the comb in my back pocket for the skating rink too. Mama found a multipack of Goody combs that looked tie-dyed, so me and all my girlfriends had matching combs. I even had this one pair of jeans with a roller skate on the pocket…I was the coolest ever.

    I love Faded Glory jeans. I had forgotten that until you mentioned them (my pregnancies sucked all the good memory cells right out of my brain). Anyway, I wore those until I busted both knees out. I need to go to Walmart.

  62. “Memories light the corners of my mind.” I think you’ve pretty much described me and every other forty-something mommy out there in blogland — feathered hair, plastic comb in the back pocket,chic jeans and all. They tore down the skating rink in my hometown about six years ago and it makes me sad. But I do love my Faded Glory jeans! Thanks for the blast from the past!

    ~TaunaLen

  63. Great post! I had forgotten all about “the comb!” Gonna have to go check out FG jeans!

  64. Would love a photo of you and your sassy jeans, in all your glory. :>)

    Did your comb have a handle? Mine did.

  65. My Goodie comb had a pump in the handle for the all-in-one hair experience – style, spray, and go! (Because I didn’t put enough hairspray on that morning!) I never put it in my back pocket though. That’s probably a good thing, because more times than not, all the hairspray in my comb handle leaked out in my purse.

  66. thats great! I think I’ll start at Wallyworld because I am all about cheap jeans! My dh says that my prebaby jeans are TOO BIG for me now! So I need to go get something new that doesn’t sag in the butt. Don’t hate me for being skinnier after the baby because I puked off all 26lbs I lost! I earned it and I’m darn proud of it!

  67. I agree with the comments who asked for a picture. Post ’em up here! Bigger ‘n better ‘n all!

  68. lol, skating rink and back pocket comb! :) i remember the days….and i love FG jeans. tho they stretch out too much sometimes!

    great post, made me laugh out loud for real and that is a good thing today :)

  69. I do not know which was my favorite, the Goody comb or the bedazzle on the backside. GREAT post! This is up there with Sissy and Martie. By the way, it has been too long…what have those two mischievous ladies been up to? We must know!

  70. Lea Margaret says:

    My Stein Marts in Greenville, MS, Store #1 thank you very much, DOES carry Jeanstar Jeans! Yall make a road trip to where it ALL began!

  71. I thought that I’d come out of lurkdom to tell you that I absolutely loved this post! You had me laughing hysterically throughout the whole thing. Oh, and I can so relate on the search for jeans. I just recently found a style I liked at K-Mart! I liked them so much that I went back and bought the same style in various denimn hues.

    Thank you so much for the laughs!