Y’all, we really, really need to talk about my hair.
I mean, I know you have other stuff to do like “making cookies” and “eating chocolate” and “cutting out paper hearts,” but I’m having a bit of a hair crisis, and I don’t know what to do.
Here’s the deal.
The natural color of my hair is dark blonde. At least I think it is. I really can’t be sure since I haven’t seen it since around 1998, but as best I can recall, it falls somewhere along the darker end of the blonde spectrum.
And for many years, I have enjoyed the luxury of going to the salon, sitting in a chair, and letting a talented color specialist apply golden blonde highlights while I thumbed through the latest issue of InStyle.
Sure, there were moments of home hair color weakness, moments when I couldn’t bear to fork over the big bucks, moments when I convinced myself that I could do just as well with a $10 kit from the drugstore.
And then, last year, the most unexpected thing happened: I did just do just as well with something from the drugstore when my friend Tracey highlighted my hair. I LOVED IT. The color lasted until the beginning of summer, when my hair gets naturally lighter anyway. When I got ready for some touch-ups back in the fall, I coerced someone else into giving me highlights with a home highlighting kit. It didn’t look quite as good as it did when Tracey worked her magic, but it was fine.
About three weeks ago, I pushed my luck and tried to go the home hair color route for the third time in a row. I talked a friend into doing the whole pull-my-hair-through-a-cap deal, and the results were, well, iffy.
With “iffy” being a really generous term.
Because now my hair is way too blonde on the ends, way too dark on the top.
In fact, I look like someone dipped my head in light brown dye, flipped me over, and then dunked the bottom half of my hair in a vat of bleach.
It’s a really attractive look, in case you were wondering, and it’s especially convenient when you’re trying to coordinate your hair with an ensemble (as I know so many of us do), seeing as how you have the bottom way-too-blonde part, which is great for those cooler-toned spring clothes, and then you have the dishwater-brown-etched-with-gray top part, perfect for those warmer-toned winter separates.
(I’m trying to rationalize. Indulge me.)
But then. But then.
But then you catch a glimpse of yourself under the flourescent lights in the Lifeway restroom. And you realize that OH SWEET MERCY, something has got to give, because OH SWEET MERCY, there’s no way to ignore your the horrific state of your hair affairs for even one more second.
And that’s exactly what happened to me this afternoon.
So do you know what I did?
I made my way to the front of the store, quickly paid for my Lifeway purchases, grabbed my child’s hand and said, “Come on, baby. Mama’s got to get her a little hair color at the Walmarts.”
Because no kidding, people: I look like the “before” picture in some gigantic magazine spread entitled “OUR MOST CHALLENGING MAKE-OVERS EVER!!!”
So here’s my dilemma.
I bought some hair color at Walmart today. Not highlights. COLOR. It’s some kind of temporary deal – Natural Instincts Coastal Dune. Clearly it’s a high-end product because it does make reference to the beach, and I’m certain that if I use it my hair will instantly acquire an artfully-tousled look, almost as if I’ve just walked in from, well, the coastal dunes (not to be confused with the non-coastal dunes, those piles of sand that have magically appeared in densely-populated metropolitan areas).
And here’s what I’m thinking.
It’s pretty much a given that I’m going to have to do the Home Haircolor Walk Of Shame into my salon at some point in the near future. The guy who cuts my hair hasn’t seen me since I received the latest round of ill-fated highlights, and you can trust me when I tell you that he. will. be. mortified. if I walk in there with the color looking like it does right now.
Which leads me to think that maybe I should try this Coastal Dune business, primarily to see if I can’t get everything a little “evened out” color-wise. I’ll still have to the do the Walk Of Shame the next time I get a cut, but maybe the Coastal Dune-age will cover up everything nicely enough that R. (my hair guy) won’t immediately throw me in a colorist’s chair and charge me an arm and a leg so that he can get everything back to normal.
(And by “normal,” of course, I mean, “my usual totally fake color.”)
OR – should I just go ahead and be a big girl, make an appointment, confess my home highlighting sins, and let R. fix it? I SO don’t want to spend the money. But girls, you KNOW – especially if you’re a big-haired girl from the South – when the hair doesn’t look good, it wears on you. Oh yes ma’am it does. It takes a toll on the ole self-esteem, and OH MY WORD I know that as Christians we’re not supposed to be concerned with self-esteem, we’re supposed to be concerned with God’s esteem, but I am not kidding when I tell you that what’s going on with my hair right now GRIEVES THE HEART OF GOD.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
Come to think of it, we might need to have us a hair tragedy altar call, y’all. Can’t y’all just see it? First we’d insist that every head be bowed, every eye be closed, and then we could minister to the hurting: “YES, Sister. You right there in the back. You tried to perm it yourself, didn’t you? And you, sweet sister. Over to the right. Thought you’d trim those bangs on your own? And ooooh, sister. A banana clip? Really? Bless you.”
And just so you know? I’ll be the sister up at the front. Holding a box of Natural Instincts Coastal Dune in my hands. Waiting for some divine direction from my bloggy sistah hair accountability partners about what to do next.
Preach it in the comments.
COME ON, NOW.
Preach it.
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Hello. I am a tightwad. HOWEVER, the one thing I think I will always pay a professional to do is highlights. Personally, I would do the walk of shame! Anyway, you will make your hair guy feel good about himself because he will feel so needed! Good luck!
It’s probably a good thing they did specify Coastal Dunes – there’s a Sand Dune National Park in Colorado, which is, you know, a landlocked state.
My experience with Natural Instincts is that you can’t naturally color your hair blonde.
No ma’am, you’ve got to haul out the big chemicals to get a proper tousled blonde. It really stinks in the highlight department – the expensive L’Oreal stuff does better. Of course, you could always buy dirty blonde Dark Moonlit Sand and dye your ends darker before you hit the salon.
Mama Says
I, admittedly, used to use the store bought stuff…then became friends with a couple of ladies who happen to be amazing hairstylists…they would DIE if you continued to color your hair. They would much prefer you make the walk of shame (although a bandana/scarf could solve the initial reaction being terrible)…I would make the appointment…I keep telling my BEAUTIFUL mother to STOP coloring her own hair. At the very least, I would get my hair professionally colored at least every third time. Although doing this, you might have to change hairstylist’s each time you return to a salon? You, my dear, are in a pickle…but you are still beautiful, trust a girl from Tennessee!!
Confess!
Since you already have the box, I say go for it sistah. Even those of us not in the South understand the importance of good hair. I believe that is why the Bible refers to hair as an ornament. Glory, hal-le-looo-yah!
(To save a little dough, have you thought of going to one of those hair stylist schools. I know you think they might make your hair green, but they have all of their instructors around, and they usually ask them before they do anything. And it is SOOOOO much cheaper.)
Be a big girl. Walk the hall of shame. There’s no point wasting any more time or money to look…unsatisfactory.
As the Queen of hair color, I have to say call the salon. My all time worse was after my second son was born. My natural color was medium brown and I put in Very Blond highlights (professionally). The epidural causes my hair to fall out at the part and around my face. When it grew back it was almost black with gray. I looked like a skunk head. Girl, the salon can do wonders. I now have 4 different colors in my hair (medium brown to cover grays, light blond, and dark blond highlights and dark brown for low lights). I am totally cheap (and I mean CHEAP) but one thing I never skimp on is my hair. Treat yourself and get it done right. The more color add the harder it is to fix sometimes. JMO :)
Girl.
DON’T
DO
IT.
I could have written your story..my friend Camille did some killer home highlights on me but i have never been able to duplicate..
in fact i had a conversation about this with someone the other day and she said the dyes you get a drugstores are so not quality..not like what you get at the beauty supply.
GET THEE TO THE SALON. Confess and move on.
I KNOW it is expensive but really it is worth it. You family can eat next month;
I’d take the walk of shame and I’m feeling your pain. I’m having some bad hair too! I’m actually headed your way for the weekend, my mom’s sister’s family live in Hoover. One of my cousins is having her first baby and they are having a shower for her this weekend. Lucky for me one of her sisters is a hairdresser and she’s going to cut my hair for FREE!!! Yeah, only 3 more days of terrible hair. The last time my sister and I colored my hair it was the night before Thanksgiving 2001, it was a tad white blond!!! Lucky for me we had this family of cousins at the time who liked to experiment with different colors of hair like purple and blue. So, I didn’t stick out too much! :) Good Luck!! :)
oh… and sorry to be harsh..just “speaking the truth in love.”
…from someone who has lived in the bad hair color pit;
hmm well there was a lady on oprah whose hair all fell out due to bad dye, so I’d say to pro boomama! xoxo melzie
Dye it, curl it, cover it, whatever, just DON’T braid it. That is forbidden in scripture.
Take the walk sister, confess at the altar of R. right now. One mistake, on top of another, makes a very,very, verrrrrrry short haircut. And there is no room for pixie cuts in …… your part o’ the world.
Your body, which means your hair, is a temple.
Get thee our store-bought hair disaster! Get. Thee. Out.
I do not color my hair. . .and I have the gray dishwater blond to prove it. . .but for all that is good and holy, Boomama, go to the stylist, ’cause after TWO boxes of Wal-Mart(s) hair color, even bald-headed Dr. Phil would be forced to ask you that decades old question. . .”How’s that workin’ for ya?”
My advice would be take all the money you are going to spend to try and get it right, and go one time to a professional and get it done right Sista, you wont regret it. You are worth it Boo!
My experience has been that the fixing is best left to the pros. It will save you money in the long run if you just put on a baseball cap, some dark sunglasses and take the walk.
I color my own hair…but every 3 months like it says. I’m not sure that the bad highlights mixed with the cheap color will work out well. I say go to the salon. And NEVER highlight your own hair. LOL
GOOD LUCK! I too need to get my butt in the salon. I haven’t had mine cut in 8 months!!! :::hangs head in shame:::
I’ve been fully gray since I was 20 (thanks to genetics)so I have no choice but to get my hair colored and I’ve gradually gone from dark brown to blond. (and we do have more fun!)I have to get it done every 4 weeks and it’s so time consuming and expensive – I just hate it.
One summer I was a bridesmaid in an out of town wedding and between salon visits and I decided that maybe I could just touch up my roots a bit the night before the wedding. Yes I had orange hair in all the poor girl’s wedding pictures.
Go to the salon!
Ok, you need to just make an appt. and ‘fess up. Do not do anything else to your hair. It might make it a lot worse and then you will really have a big, expensive problem to fix. I also have dark/dirty blonde hair that I have highlighted “forever.” A couple a years ago, I decided that no way was I going to keep paying this ridiculous amount of money to get my hair done. How hard can it be to do a few highlights, right? I went to Target, bought me some highlights, and my hair looked AWFUL! I had to call my hairdresser and I didn’t even have to worry about confessing, she knew immediately what I did. I told her is was just so expensive and I was trying to be more on a budget. She saidd she would work with me and even go a little darker on the color so I could spread out the visits if I promised never to do my own hair again! And I haven’t!
Girl, I have been there and done that. From my own experience — and the advice of my husband who knows it’s expensive, but doesn’t know exactly how expensive –pay the money and get a professional! If he even so much as sees a box of hair color in the house, he begs me to take it back! He does not mind the splurge of a trip to the salon for highlights and I have to say it is worth every penny not to have the anxiety of hair that LOOKS like you did it yourself! :-)
As the self-professed Clairol Queen I say…go and never look back. I went through 9 boxes from WalMart trying to go from darkest of night to goddess on the beach and my hair was so fried it was smokin’. I did the walk of shame and had it fixed and vowed to never purchase another box again. (I did backslide once around Christmas…times were lean back then.)
“Hair tragedy altar call.” That’s just funny right there.
I’m just too cheap – can’t stand to pay someone $60 every 5 weeks to color my hair. So I taught myself. It does help that I have those mirrors that flip out so I can see the back of my hair, and oh yeah, that my hair is about 4 inches long too. I have the oh so lovely ‘dye your hair’ wardrobe to go with it, and I just finally told my hairdresser something like this, “See, I’m cheap so I’m going to color it myself. Can you work with that and highlight it 4 x a year for me?” She now calls it, “doing my own base” which is such a nice alternative for being cheap. Cut and highlights, no color, is still $100. That’s about as awful a bill as I can stand to pay.
Those who know go pro.
Yo.
Walk the gauntlet. But at least treat yourself to a pedicure to help ease the pain of what they will charge you. Thataway you can say it was a color, style, and a pedi.
You know how weird it is when you write an extra-long totally serious post, baring your very soul, and then some freak comes along and picks out one obscure point and comments on that and nothing else, and “that” was so far from the point that, really, the point is a dot to “that”?
Prepare yourself.
Not only do non-coastal dunes exist, but when I hear the word “dune” the first thing I think of is the sand dunes in West Texas, far from the coast, where we visited one year on vacay and slid down them on big plastic discs.
Oh, yes ma’am.
The second thing I think of is the movie “Dune” which would probably be the first thing I thought of if…I had…actually seen it.
I won’t address the hair quandry because I’m so cheap I won’t even pay full price for the Loreal; I hoard my coupons and wait for a sale then stock up when I can get it for $3.50, which is why I have at least 8 boxes of 5A Ash Brown in my linen closet right now.
Oh wait! I think you should call Traci and get her to do it again. Yeah. Final answer.
Walk of shame. From one big-haired Southerner to another.
I’ve just come across your blog via the LPM blog and I have to say I’ve enjoyed reading. You are hilarious!
Yeah, go to the professional to get the hair fixed. Loved the story though.
god bless.
Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m laughing with you not at…
I color my own hair, but only b/c I go darker and not lighter. I would never do my own highlights or bleach of any kind. Once you strip the color out via highlight or bleach it takes many moons for it to take color again correctly.
So, I am in agreement with everyone else–go have someone color correct it for you. If you open that box of color, Pandora will be there.
Missy! Missy! Now let’s not be ridiculous!! Do you want me to call for you? Even though, I don’t recall it looking bad — I really don’t!!Make the call today!!!!!!!!!
DON’T DO IT!!!!
DON’T!
This kind of damage requires a professional. Yes, it does.
I had the exact same degrees of darkness, my friend. I went to a salon and they had to apply one thing to the blonde ends and an entire other chemical formula that isn’t even on that chart on the wall to the dark stuff.
You might end up splitting an atom or something.
Seriously, go ahead and take a big bite of that crow and call the salon.
Favorite post ever. I know by faith that your hubby will recite these verses to you once you’ve turned from your self-coloring ways.
Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry; the king is held captive by its tresses. How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your highlights (delights)! (Song of Solomon 7:5-6)
OH MY WORD.
This so reminds me of the time I bought the “quality” hair color on sale at the Wal-Marts. I got it home, and for some reason decided to use it on SUNDAY MORNING BEFORE CHURCH. Now, being as I’m a light ash brown, and I had purchased the box that SAID “Light Ash Brown” right there ON it, I stupidly thought I would end up with light-ash-brown-colored hair.
Unfortunately, the actual color in the bottle was “Deepest Black,” as I found out when I rinsed and dried. AND washed, and rinsed and washed and rinsed and ….you get the picture.
I, like you, went back to the Wal-Marts to get a remedy, and THANKYOUSWEETLORD
(continued) I did NOT use it. Otherwise I might have ended up purple or green or (heaven forbid) LILAC.
Take the Walk, Sis. Take the Walk.
I’m with the majority… go to the altar. We all know what a good five minutes spent confessing at the altar can do. Two wrongs don’t make a right, now, do they? If you want to keep the big-haired southern look, the walk of shame will have to do.
And, honestly, I AM sorry for you that you have to deal with such a hairy mess. Been there, done that. Last time I had highlights put in, I was told my hair looked green. GREEN. To my face. I hurried myself on over to the salon the next day and got a nice cover-everything dark rinse, even darker than my natural color, which is really saying something!
I have to agree. The walk of shame it is. I would hate for you to fry your hair and have to cut it all off. That would be just awful.
Mama,
Please o’ please just kick the extra cash over to the hair dude R, and fix that which makes you crazy. I understand the money issue, as I live and breathe for the clearance rack and have self cut and boxed dyed my hair, as well. Don’t be like Annelle in Steel Magnolias! Don’t do your own highlights! Truvy can spot a bottle job! Get it fixed, girl! Get it fixed!
Get foils at the salon!
Can I one up you on the hair color story? I went to visit family out of state with my girls when they were 1 and 3. My cousin and I decided she would “strawberry blonde” my hair for me – because the color was getting so washed out and looked bad. What I ended up with was something just shy of the golden arches guy – you know him – the one with the clown face and big shoes?? But it gets worse -I had to RIDE A TRAIN home to my husband! I was mortified. Fortunately the two wee ones kept my mind occupied elsewhere!
Forget about walking, you need to take the run of shame to the nearest hairdresser. Confess your sins and the truth will set you free.
Just remember, it’s not how you feel, it’s how you look that’s really important.
The devil is dancin’ at the bottom of that Walmart hair color box, BooMama! Get thee to the beauty shop and confess your sins to R.
Go t’ward the light, BooMama…Go t’ward the light! ;-)
Allow me to talk you down from this ledge:
S T O P! (in the name of love)
Have you lost your ever lovin’ MIND?
I’m calling him if you don’t.
Go see the colorist. Hang your head in shame. There are just some things that we southern girls must be willing to fork over the big bucks for.
I know, I just ended that sentence with a preposition. I’m tired.
I agree with Mama. L’Oreal is much kinder than Natural Instincts. L’Oreal is my best secret, I mean friend. L’Oreal’s Feria is wonderful…it truly has built-in highlights. You will much better taking that walk of shame after using this. :)
Giggle, giggle, giggle. I posted (on xanga, didn’t have a blogspot then) about a year ago about a horrible haircut I got. I hated it, cried and cried, tried to wear a ball cap to church (not really, but it was that awful.) It’s just now growing out to where it was a year ago, and I am finally okay with it, but I wish I could have looked upon that situation with as much humor and joy as you have. My vote, make use of Walmart’s very forgiving return policy, return the sand dune dye, and go see your beloved R. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
~TaunaLen
I am the cheapest hair person you can imagine. I get mine cut three times a year. And yes, it’s layered…it’s just that some months it has long layers and some months it has short layers…..I CANNOT ever justify spending money on my hair. I even use SUAVE shampoo!!! I just can’t STAND it! You can get it cut or colored or whatever, and it IMMEDIATELY starts growing and messing it all up!! IT’S TOO MUCH MAINTENANCE!! Nothing ever LASTS!! At least the cute sweater you buy lasts a few YEARS before fading or shrinking into oblivion! But HAIR!! Hair just betrays you every time. I cut my own bangs and I color my own hair. If I were you, I think I’d get it ‘fixed’ by the pro, and then in a few months just do your *own* FULL color (not highlights) if you’ve got grays, otherwise let yourself be and save the money. ‘Nuff said.
You, as usual, are a hoot. But I do believe this post will become a boomama classic.
My advice is, take the walk of shame. If you try to apply another treatment and then go to the salon for yet another after that, you are running the risk of frying your hair for eternity, or worse, risking it all falling right out.
Do let us know how it goes.
Go to your hairstylist and let him work his magic!!! I need a trim myself!! LOL and you can get an amen on the hair deal!! Hope you’re all feeling better–Sister said you’ve all been sick.. Hi Sister!!! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO YOU ALL!!
Being a southern big haired girl myself I can totally relate. My vote is take the walk down the hall of shame.
You are so right, when your hair ain’t happy…we are not happy.
Trust me you will feel better.
PUT THE BOX DOWN. STEP AWAY SLOWLY AND RUN, DON’T WALK, TO YOUR NEAREST SALON. DO NOT TURN BACK. INSIST THAT YOUR STYLIST NOT SAY A WORD ABOUT YOUR HAIR SINNING AND PAY THE BILL. DO THIS IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY.
AND DON’T EVER MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN. OKAY?
Go to the salon, confess and feel so much better. I made a pact with my “stylist” (sounds so chic, doesn’t it) that she won’t spay her cat, if I don’t cut my own hair (it’s ok, I’m a vet, I CAN spay cats….). We’ve kept this pact for the last ten years….I’m sure you can find a similar vow to take with your stylist….
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