Fashion Victim

A few weeks ago I realized that I needed something to wear to a dinner at a friend’s house. And there was no doubt that it was going to be The Best Dinner Party Evir because it was a girls-only event.

In other words: NO BOYZ WER ALLOWED BECUZ BOYZ HAVE COOTIES and because they do not enjoy talking about shoes, make-up, or Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair, all of which are Guaranteed Hot Topics wherever two or more females are gathered. Them’s the rules.

Anyway, when I started trying to find something to wear and realized that my closet was sorely lacking, I went to the Steinmarts and brought home a few shirts to try. In my head, I wanted to find something that looked sort of like this:

Except, of course, I would never – NEVER – belt something um, there, because I’ve got a whole lot more going on above and below the belt than the model does.

Plus, you know, I’M TWO OF HER.

Anyhoo.

I decided that I would try on the shirts and let D. tell me which one he liked best BECAUSE I AM STUPID, THAT’S WHY and the first shirt I put on looked similar to this next one:

D.’s reaction was something along the lines of “That shirt? Really? Are you sure?”         

So it was immediately out of the running.

The next shirt was my favorite, and it resembled the picture below - sort of a Japanese-style print, with a black fabric band instead of some pesky skinny belt. Granted, the neckline begged for a camisole underneath, but I could live with that. I also loved how it looked with some pants I’d bought, and I was feeling pretty sassy when I walked in the living room to show it to D.

D.: “Do you like it? Because if you like it, that’s all that matters.”         

Me: “I really do like it. But you don’t?”

D. “Well. It’s, um, interesting. But if you like it you should absolutely get it!”

Me: “But you don’t like it?”

D. “I’m not sure I understand it.”

Me: “Well, if you didn’t know me and you saw me wearing this shirt, what would you think?”

[LONGEST. PAUSE. EVER.]

D. “I would probably think that you were wearing a uniform from some sort of Asian Hooters.”

So that one was out. I’m pretty quirky clothes-wise, but there are several looks I try to avoid, and I would venture to say that “Hooters uniform” is fairly near the top of that list.

In the end, I settled on a shirt that resembles this one:

The one I bought is black and white instead of multi-colored…but it’s very flow-y and spring-y and billow-y and comfortable-y as can be.

Perhaps because it does not touch my body at any point other than the shoulders.

But the best part of all? You would never see me wearing it and suspect that I had on a Hooters uniform. From Asia or any other continent, for that matter.

So that’s a bit of a fashion victory, isn’t it?

We just won’t talk about the fact that you might see me wearing the cute, flowy shirt and wonder whether or not I was pregnant.

Which, really, is what every girl dreams of when she’s buying new clothes.