Every Tuesday night one of my best friends and I meet for supper – with kids in tow. It’s a great chance for us to catch up over chips and salsa while the children work diligently to see who can spill the most queso dip all over the table.
It’s fun. You should join us.
Last week my friend NK’s younger child needed a nap more than she needed to eat out, so they had to cancel. I decided that it would be fun for Alex and me to still go to dinner together, so we headed to a neighborhood deli for a little mama / son date night. The atmosphere might not be so great, but I knew the company would more than make up for it.
Once Alex had his cheese pizza and I had my salad, we started covering some of his favorite conversational topics: friends, Mickey Mouse, monsters, VERY VERY BIG MONSTERS, and SCARY! GIANT! MONSTERS! THAT GO! RARRRRRRRRR!
Eventually Alex decided that he was more interested in eating than talking, and I found myself staring at the little man as he devoured his pizza, wondering what he will look like when he’s older. And it occurred to me, as I watched him, that he’s going to grow up, and I cannot stop the process.
Before I knew what hit me, my eyes filled with tears. All I could think about was how the little man’s cheeks are thinner by the day, how his ankles are now slim and defined, how his calves have muscles instead of squishy rolls of baby softness. And with everything in me, I wanted to stand up in my chair and say: PEOPLE, WHAT IS UP WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP THE CHILDREN FROM GROWING UP? IT MAKES ME VERY SAD.
You should probably keep in mind that I’m the same person who cried when I filled out a form for Alex’s Mother’s Day Out last week, because it’s the last form I’ll ever fill out for MDO since he starts preschool at a different place this fall, and clearly I am far too emotional and unstable to be a voice of reason in terms of this whole children-growing-up thing, and perhaps I should look into a prescription for a light nerve pill of some sort.
Anyway.
When I finally composed myself at the dinner table, I decided, right there on the spot, that since I don’t have the superhuman power of stopping time (sadly, I can only melt steel with my eyes and create wind where there once was none), I might as well embrace the fact that Alex can’t stay four forever. So I turned to him, determined to look his future square in the eye, and said, “Alex? What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Without missing a beat, he said, “Oh. A fireman.”
We talked about firemen for a couple of minutes, and then Alex grabbed my hand mid-sentence, looked straight in my eyes, and said, “Hold on, Mama. Just a minute, Mama. Hold on.”
“What is it?” I replied.
“Mama? Well, Mama? I just want to be Alex when I grow up. I just want to be Alex, Mama.”
And the tears, they started again.
I have no idea what Alex will look like when he’s older. I don’t know what he’ll do for a living, who he’ll marry, or where he’ll live.
But I do know one thing.
If, above all, he can “just be Alex” as he makes his way through different ages and stages?
Well, I think that’s the very best plan for the future that I’ve ever heard.
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My Ben will be turning 5 in July and I’m amazed at how he is growing up so quickly. Like you I just want to stop time yet I’m so excited to see what the Lord is going to do with this wondeful boy He has given me. Ben says he wants to be a teacher when he grows up. When I ask if he wants to be a English teacher like daddy he says “No, I want to teach people about Jesus, just like daddy” (my husband is also a jr high youth pastor).
Is there anything better? I can so relate to what you are saying!
Well guess who’s tearing up now too???? You just have a way of summing it all up. I stood just this morning looking at my son as he slept. He is 4 days shy of his 12th birthday. How did that happen? There he was long limbs tangled up in his blankets, gone the sweet smell of baby powder and cream, room covered in posters. But despite it all I could still trace on his innocent sleeping face, the remains of his small bear sweetness. Then he woke up farted and growled and the illusion was shattered. Oh yeah, pre-teen years, let the good times roll. Sigh.
I had three daughters and made the phrase “It’s ok if I never have a son” my daily mantra for 7 years. And then we had our boy. I loooove my girls, and I think my 13yr old daughter is one of my best friends, but really, there’s nothing like a little man to love on! Sons are just that little bit of something special to a momma’s heart! Loved this story!
One of your best Mommy posts ever. Hands down.
:>)
What a tender, sweet post.
I hope that you’re printing out all of your Alex posts and placing them into a binder. Your little man would cherish them.
A few months back, our pediatrician –who has “mothered this mother” safely through 3 newborns, 1 eye surgery, a broken collarbone, a broken leg, school anxiety, and all the usual bugs and such — informed me he was retiring.
I started weeping right then and there in the Sesame Street Room. How could I explain my bond with him with all those memories crashing in on me all at once? His caring eyes seemed to say to me “I’ve led you long enough down this fast moving river, and you can do it on your own. You can continue on without me, Cathy.”
Funny how a boy eating pizza, a special celebration, or even a retiring pediatrician can stir emotions in the heart of a mother that defy adequate language.
Thanks for sharing.
Right there with you.
Now about your comment, um I’m not entirely sure that creating wind where there once was none is a superhuman power, I’d say in fact that it is quite normal. :)
Oh BooMama! What a kindred spirit you are. Let me tell you, my oldest (my daugher) was graduating from kindergarten this time last year and it was such a bittersweet thing. We were really going to have a new chapter opening….and I emphasize the WE in that sentence! She was going from a church-based, 1/2 day kindergarten to public school, which she started last fall. Let me tell you, the last day I dropped her off at kindergarten I drove to the nearest Starbucks in sobbing tears. You know the good ‘ol ugly cry where you can’t breathe well and your face splotches up? Well, somehow I got my order out, but by the time I got to the window I was a melting mess of something! Oh my word, the lady at Starbucks gave me my coffee for free and I know to this day she thinks I had some terrible, terrible news like illness, divorce, etc. Rest assured, Starbucks lady, it was just this mama feeling the growing pains of her firstborn! Happy Mother’s Day, my blogging friend.
If it makes you feel any better, I cried when I filled out the preschool info for my daughter, K! I told my husband that I’m going to be the crazy mom running after the big yellow school bus screaming, “Not my baby! Don’t take my baby!” I also find myself incredibly weepy when watching the children at church perform, because I know that soon and very soon, K will be doing the same. This growing up thing is going to kill me. Get a double on the light nerve pill.
I am a new reader to your blog and…
This post made me cry! I have a little boy who will turn 4 this summer and I was thinking the same things today as I watched him run around with his friends. I wish I could freeze time somedays and just hold him…
Off to get some tissues!
When I go back and look at my son’s (or daughters’) photos, and look at them now, I can see their older faces in the young ones, but I couldn’t then. I think that’s the grace of God. When they’re 6’3″, married, grown, you T.R.Y. to think they’re all grown up, but somewhere deep inside you, they are still just your little boy, the one with the scabby knees, and lips that pucker out when they’re sleeping after a long day of playing. xoxoxo
What an incredibly sweet post! Alex is so very fortunate to have a mom who notices and appreciates all these precious moments.
This is so sweet!! The way you describe how you feel about your son growing up- boy, can I relate!!! And how he answers you!! Priceless!!!
Such a lovely post!!
His,
Mrs. U- who is sad thinking about HER baby growing up one day… :(
Thanks alot for the big snot fest at my ‘puter. Without Kleenex. Swell!
Yep, I’m one of those crying “it hurts to see them grow” mommas too. Just a few days ago while shopping, I told (yes i actually TOLD) my Reece I wanted him to stay little forever. His gentle response? “No, momma, ’cause I want to marry my wife and have my kids someday.”
See, Reece doesn’t have career goals as yet. But he is very clear on wanting to be a husband and father (which chokes me up all the more). I need to go wipe the snot now. Here’s a similar convo I had with my little man.
http://inthemidstofthisseason.blogspot.com/2007/02/im-not-much-of-long-term-planner.html
Blessings,
~Toni~
OH, the tears are rolling down my cheeks!!! Why can’t they stay little forever? :-(
That little Alex is wise beyond his years, honestly.
The tears are still flowing…. :-(
BooMama, thanks for sharing your Alex & mama moments. They touch my heart. I have these same kinds of moments with my 5 year old boy. The last of my babies, I’m finally able to slow down and enjoy these special precious times. And I’m asking God, “Oh please Lord, sear these memories in my mind, on my heart.”
My baby is 5 and she lost her first tooth last night and I JUST CAN’T STAND IT! She can’t be going to “kindeegarden” in the fall y’all, she’s just a baby. My oldest is 12 and just made the jr high cheerleading squad which makes me want to puke. My boss said “You know, miss hunter, every guy wants to date a cheerleader…” If looks could kill he would be scattered ashes! It just happens at warp speed, they go from drooling on your shoulder to drooling over boys and clothes. MAKE IT STOP or slow it down to a crawl…sigh.
Hi. :) I just wanted to say that I totally relate I wish time could stop. I want to freeze time- and hold on to the warm squishies that they give. Wouldn’t it be nice???? The only thing I can reccomend, is to photograph the H-E- double hockey sticks outta them. I have over 9,000 photos of my sweet Paisley, and she is only 22 months! :) take photos of them sleeping, eating ,crying, playing, yelling…. it is (for now) the ONLY thing that can stop time, for a second. *and if you do it enough, like me- you’l be able to freeze all of it! ;)
Also- on a happier note- I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me to write more. I LOVE reading your Blog- and it makes my day! :)
OOOPs- i put two websites as my contact me….. try this:
http://www.mermaidcrossing.blogspt.com
or
http://www.kalynphotography.com
Now I’m crying. Probably not a good thing to do in the office… :) My little one is 16 months old and I already find him HUGE! And it breaks my heart. I don’t want to think about him being 4yo or 15yo! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!! Still crying! (Tears rolling and all – that’s nice!)Gotta stop! (By the way, I’m a frequent visitor – love your blog!)
Tears!! This one brought tears to my eyes. I have the exact same issue with my youngest child, who is 4. I keep telling her to stop growing and she’ll laugh every time and say “I have to grow, Mama!” It.is.so.hard. I completely understand every bit of heartache over having your children grow up. The one consolation I have is that as they grow, the conversations grow deeper and bigger and much more interesting, and it is awfully fun to have meaningful conversations with your own children.
SNIFF.
Just for ONE DAY, I’d like to read one of your posts and not bust a gut laughing or ruin my make up crying. Is that too much to ask? Must be. :)
You are such a blessing, Boomama!
That is such a touching story. I am sad, also. My oldest daughter is graduating from high shcool in two weeks and it is killing me.
we should all be so wise…
Just wanted to let you know I linked this post on my blog today. It really grabbed my heart. Thank you for sharing it!
~TaunaLen
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