I’m going to take a couple of days off from the blog so that I can devote my full attention to coughing up a lung and then hopefully jump on the road to chest cold recovery. Since a lot of you are fairly new to my little neck of the bloggy woods, I’ve set some stuff in the archives to auto-post.
Here is one of my klassiest posts ever.
The words “quiet dignity” come to mind.
While Alex seems to have mastered the, um, liquid aspect of potty training, the, um, other aspect is proving a bit more challenging. And of course by “challenging” I mean “I could pull out every single increasingly gray hair in my head from frustration.”
As I nearly did yesterday afternoon.
And since A. generally gets terribly upset when he has an accident – resulting in your basic teeth-gnashing and garden-variety wailing – I usually have to calm him down a bit before I can inspect the, well, severity of the accident “site,” as it were.
Which I will not be describing in detail. Because I care about you.
So after yesterday’s sobbing subsided, I told A. to stand right. where. he. was. I was fearful that if he started to walk, the contents would, er, dislodge, and I’d have an entirely different kind of mess on my hands (not to mention my floors). I managed to move A. over to a towel I’d spread out while I gently – gently! – pulled off his underwear.
Underwear safely removed, I gently – gently! – made my way toward the bathroom. To, you know, dispose of some stuff. I was cradling those underoos like I was carrying fine china on a silver tray, and I can say in all honesty that I’ve never been so intent on not touching “china” in my life.
But it probably won’t surprise you, given my long history of grace and poise, that I tripped about two feet away the commode.
It never ceases to amaze me that, in times of duress, seconds seem to stretch on for hours, and the human brain can process several – lo, many – pieces of information in a very short span of time.
My brain, as it turned out, honed in on three critical facts:
1) Oh sweet lordy, I tripped.
2) Oh sweet lordy, I’m carrying poo.
3) Oh sweet lordy, WHAT IF I DROP IT? WHAT IF I DROP THE POO?
And in a moment that would certainly be featured on SportsCenter if cameras had been in place and if I hadn’t been juggling, you know, DOO-DOO, I recovered in such a way that I in fact propelled the substance in question straight into the commode.
Like a lay-up. Or something.
You would probably feel really sorry for me if I told you that the flushing sounded like wild applause, so I won’t tell you that part. But I think you would’ve clapped if you had seen my mad skillz in action.
By the way, as I was “taking it to the hoop,” the underwear never left my hands and protected me from the poo like a shield, which probably had something to do with the fact that Batman’s picture was all over them. Poo-repelling is one of Batman’s lesser-known powers, apparently.
And thus concludes Episode #3,293 of Things I Never Experienced Before Motherhood.
The joy, it would seem, is unending.
This post was originally published on August 18, 2006.
My mother is a nurse, and something similar but with grosser results happened to her while carrying bedpans. Her coworkers were so impressed, they made up an award for her. She got a framed certificate and everything.
So at least no one was watching.
just as funny now as it was then!
Oh my stars, I must have missed that gem the first time around. That is absolutely hilarious!
How well I remember The Great Poo Fling of aught-six.
Good times. Good times.
I must have caught your cold while listening to your podcast…thanks alot.
I wasn’t a reader last year at the time you posted this, your proudest ESPN moment. And can I say, as a former athletic type, I applaud you for your skill and athleticism. You are talented beyond what I could have imagined :)
I can’t take it!! I’ll have to continue reading once i’ve stopped laughing!!
This is a must read for all mommas of young babies.
Get better soon….and i’m still trying to figure out if you are in TX or AL/GA. I need to know who is who….i got so tickled that i totally got confused.
snicker…..snort…..bwahahahahaha
I just have to wonder, did you hurt yourself? Was the boy amazed at your skills? Did you have to tell your hubbie about your wonderful adventures?
Thank you for sharing this story again. I missed it the first time around. We are beginning the thoughts of potty trainings, so I am sure days such as these are near in my future! :)
did you do a gymnastics-type victory stance? because you should have. I hope you feel better after you dislodge your lung.
OH PLEASE FEEL BETTER SOON! And one day will you update on how you (if you) managed to get the solids put directly into the potty by the boy vs. having to doo, ah… doo it yourself? Because I am facing that right now and I could sincerely use a few (three)pointers from an expooert.
Hugs.
Oh goodness! Still funny. Hope you feel better very soon.
Sorry to hear that your lung wants to take an out-of-body vacation. If it weren’t just a few degrees short of hell there, I’d suggest my homemade chicken noodle soup… For now I just suggest lots and lots of sleep, which of course will require you to send Alex away to the grandparents or Boodaddy to not get any work done today so that he can distract Alex… at McDonald’s. Maybe Crossword Puzzle lady has gone home by now…
What a hoot! Somehow I missed this one along the way. Feel better soon.
In those instances, I didn’t care HOW cute the undies were, they became history. I never made the toilet either.
Oh my goodness, this is priceless!!! Missed it the first time somehow.
Praying for you, Sophie. I hope that you are perking up even as I type.
love,
holly
Oh my gravy! Could I have laughed any louder? My husband truly thinks at times that I am possessed because I sit in front of the computer, cackling like a loon!
Thanks, Boo. You always brighten my day!
P.S. Hope you feel better. I am a nurse, by the way, and coughing up a lung is VASTLY over rated!
I can just see this play out in my head – what a great idea for some sitcom’s episode. You are too funny!
That was hilarious – very klassy indeed.
Ahhh… Another thing to be grateful for this morning. That potty training is behind us! (Somehow that almost seems like a pun…) Hope you’re better soon! I’d send you some hot chicken soup if I could get it through the cable, but it would probably be cold by the time it got across the country and the noodles would make the server crash. Oh well!
We will be praying that you get better VERY soon. :-)
Delighted that Howard learned to control what ends up in his underoos. More delighted to know that you are so graceful – we have at least one thing in common (although poo in question is pet or livestock – no kiddos in this old woman’s house). So sorry re: the lung coughing up thing – been there, done that and have the scars to prove it (well not exactly – those needles just felt like they could leave a scar – they HURT!) Whine all you want dear child – you deserve a pity potty – oops there we are again – where it started.
Wow. Who can make a horrible situation like that into a hilarious post? Boo Mama, that’s who. Still cracking me up, even on auto post.
This made me laugh out loud – thanks!
oh that was too great!! I can remember those days. God graciously gave my a 18mth potty trainer for my 4th child. Is HE good or what… the others i can honestly say were not intirely that easy, but the Lord knew i was…….shall we say…….pooped!! hee hee
Have a wonderful day!
Leigh
Oh sweet lordy, that was H-I-L-A-R-I-OUS!
I’ll bet even MJ himself doesn’t have bragging rights like that story!
Thanks for sharing that story again – I hadn’t read it before, and I really REALLY needed a good laugh today.
I could not stop laughing. Thank you for making me snort at work. Out loud. :)
Chin Up! This too shall pass. Nobody goes to college wearing diapers or even underoos for that matter. Next is learning how to drive. Ugh!
Smile–
Get to feeling better! By the way, I loved the pod cast!
HILARIOUS!!! Sometimes it overwhelms me to think that in 7 weeks I’ll be starting ALL OVER WITH THE WHOLE PEE/POOP thing! My middle boy and baby (not anymore) girl both waited until they were good and ready to leave pullups behind, which apparently was AFTER having seen my head spin around on my neck while I spewed pea soup a la Linda Blair SEVERAL times. My hubby, the pediatrician, kept telling me to “have no reaction at all when they have an accident.” Yeah. Right. I’m just not that spiritually mature yet.
And now they’re all in school (today was the “baby” girl’s first day of kindergarten), and what am I doing? Stockpiling diapers again for round 2.
But I know God has a plan for me and for this baby. And, OBVIOUSLY, God has a sense of humor, too.
Get well, BooMama. Chest colds are no hackin’ fun.
As well as things you NEVER WANTED to experience. Now get back to the lung hacking.
I laughed and laughed so hard that I cried. My husband actually came in to check on me.
But, my daughter had an accident at my sisters house. She had not “listened to her body” and deposited, well, um — poo — into her britches. So, after I had stuck my hand in it (checking the pants), then I took her in to change her. Of course, my sister had company. I was in talking to my daughter as she was excitedly jumping around, and explaining that now wasn’t the best of time to be doing that. Just as I said that, my sister popped in the door to check on the status. Just at that very moment, my child danced into a pile. All she could do was laugh and walk out. She said that she had to leave after she saw squish between the toes. She was laughing so hard, that she didn’t want K- to think that not listening to her body was a funny thing! A pride filled moment, it was!
I do hope that you feel better soon! My husband had a cold for a week. He said that the congestion was awful!
and when the poo landed straight in the toliet, did it splash, leaving germ-filled water marks on your walls????? :)
Well, at least by now potty-training days are over! I’m still going through them, although in her case it’s remembering to go in and pee on time! Could be worse. I have had a few “moments” with my others.
Thanks for the laughs feel better soon!
Hysterical! I haven’t laughed like that in a while..THANKS!!! I’m in the early stages of potty training and only hope to be the next “Michael Jordan”! Feel better soon!
Oh hell! First time of finding your site and I have my own toileting issues…i laughed so hard I wet my pants! I’m 36!
You write as it is and its SO funny to read. We are in the middle of our very own Hackfest2007 here, and i’m the nurse on duty ‘cos I don’t have a ticket to get in. 3 kids and a DH all Olympic Standard Lung Throwers and me with the catchers mitt. Yeurgh. But still, there is light at the end of the tunnel..your blog is a real tonic. I’ll be back….