My friend Elise was the first one of my friends to have babies, and as a result she was our first go-to expert on Matters Concerning Children.
When her oldest boys were five and four, Elise told me about something that happened at the dinner table one night. Her five year-old didn’t want to eat what she’d fixed for supper, and after some gentle encouragement proved ineffective, E.’s hubby very lovingly outlined what I have come to refer to as P-Dub’s Suppertime Law.
If memory serves, P-Dub’s Suppertime Law went something like this:
Since your mother has prepared a delicious meal for you, you may either eat what she has cooked, or you may leave the table. And if you leave the table, you may not have a snack, alternate meal, or, above all, ice cream. Because if you leave the table, you’re all done eating for the day. Thank you.
Y’all have no idea how brilliant I thought that was when I was twenty-five and single.
The funny thing is that once Alex was old enough to eat real food, D and I put P-Dub’s Suppertime Law into practice. And with the exception of one meal in 2006 which will be known forever in our house as The Unfortunate Lasagna Incident (or: Why We Now Refer To Lasagna As “Pizza Noodles”), we’ve managed to escape a good bit of dinnertime drama thanks to P-Dub’s words-o-wisdom.
Which brings us to tonight. When we had us an old-fashioned Baked Beans Medley Breakdown at the dinner table. Oh yes ma’am we did.
Now for whatever reason, Alex has a very strong sense of when he’s full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?), and he doesn’t really care for the feeling of being full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?).
Anyway, since the little man seems pretty tuned in to when he’s had enough to eat, D and I usually just ask him to at least try everything that’s on his plate. He doesn’t have to love it or finish it or ask for seconds – he just has to try it. And as a result of the fact that he’s tried a lot of different stuff – at least I guess that’s the reason – Alex likes to eat things like butterbeans and pork tenderloin and roast and sweet potatoes and English peas. He’s not a picky eater at all.
Until tonight. When he spied the aforementioned Baked Beans Medley sitting next to his potato casserole.
I will spare you the details, but the enforcement of P-Dub’s Suppertime Law has never been more nerve-wracking than it was around 6 pm central time. We had quite the showdown on our hands, but when the little man finally realized that there would be no Oreo in his future if he balked at the beans, he decided that he’d give the beans a try.
And y’all. You have never heard such gagging and crying and carrying on in your life. You would’ve thought we were asking him to eat rutabagas covered in moldy hair.
Once Alex finally managed to choke down a lone pinto bean, he decided the beans weren’t so bad. I don’t think the recipe will go to the top of his preferred foods list (#1? Donuts. #2? Chocolate-covered donuts. #3? POWDERED donuts.), but in the end I felt pretty good about the fact that we stood our ground and made him at least try them.
I felt pretty good, that is, when I wasn’t feeling guilty.
It’s been very important to D and me that the dinner table not be a war zone, but tonight, I confess, it was a bit of a battleground. And I did not enjoy it. Which leads me to some questions.
How do y’all handle Situations Regarding Food with your kids? Do you have any hard and fast mealtime rules? When your child resists something you’ve cooked, do you offer something else? Do you let it go? Or do you stand your ground?
Because now I’m second-guessing myself. I know that this isn’t a life-altering dilemma, but it’s making me a little crazy that we let our dinnertime deteriorate over, you know, BEANS. The boy is a good eater, baked beans or no – and I’m wondering if we should have left well enough alone.
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I agree, your son will not be scarred for life from ingesting a bean that he didn’t care for at the moment.
That being said, however, our youngest daughter once begged not to eat biscuits and gravy, she said it looked like something the dog threw up. But I pressed her b/c, well….. it was biscuits and gravy….I mean come on…..who doesn’t like that stuff???? Yeah, well, I can tell you who, our youngest, b/c I ended up “revisiting” it 2 more times before she actually got to the bathroom to, um…..empty herself of the “offensive dog throw-up” disguising itself as breakfast food.
That terrible morning still haunts me, after all these years, I remember it vividly (and I do mean vividly).
The moral of this story: if the food you present to your family in any way resembles some thing family pet couldn’t keep down, don’t make a 2 year old eat it….because sometimes when they say they don’t want it……they really don’t
We have a similar rule. Kids have to try it before they can say they don’t like it, and no alternate meals are prepared. We rarely have dessert, so we don’t have that incentive most of the time. We also don’t eat a cooked meal every night for various reasons, so the kids know they will get a sandwich and chips at least once in the week, which might reduce the anxiety. It is okay to have the battle at dinner once in a while. You are being consistent.
All our children must try everything. When the kids were little, they had to eat as many bites as their age (ie our three year old had to eat three bites), but once they hit about 6, we didn’t make them eat that many bites anymore. They just have to have 2-3.
Also, they will not gag or make derogatory comments or they must eat an additional bite. If they leave the table without finishing, they are done until the next meal. I like the few bites approach, because I don’t want to make them overstuff themselves, particularly with something they can’t stand.
My daughter has a mental thing with cheese. She will eat somethig if the cheese is disguised and she is unaware fo it, or if it is on pizza or covering a chip at the local Mexican restaraunt. Otherwise, it’s a no go. So, I usually don’t fix her items (like salad and tacos, etc.) with cheese, but occasionally we do.
One, because I think it is good to try it. Two, she needs to be able to eat anything served her at another’s house. It is part of being a good guest and having good manners.
None of mine are picky eaters in general–they love Mexican, Japanese, Italian, Russian food…pretty much most of what we eat.
Keep it up and don’t get discouraged. Children have to try something up to 7 times before they really know if they like it according to researchers, because sometimes they jut have a mental aversion. One of our sons used to gag when eating chicken…now he loves chicken soup, grilled chicken, etc.
On the other hand, I try to have something they like on nights when I know at least one dish will be a stretch for them. After all, we want fun family dinner times, not battles every night. Plus, it is an incentive. I don’t even give seconds until they have tried everything.
Good luck!
If Sean says he’s full, then I tell him it’s a good time to stop eating – a good life lesson. I don’t make him try everything. He’s only three and I remember when I was three I didn’t like a lot of the stuff I like now, so it takes time for a palette to develope. And some stuff he may never like (beets? eeeew) I don’t believe in forcing anyone to eat anything. However. If you don’t eat what’s on the table, there will be nothing more to eat until the next meal and there is no negotiating on that.
We do the ‘Taste It Once, Please’ Rule at our house. When that fails (or there is whining) they are asked to leave the table, and they cannot come back until they are ready to try it without complaining.
IF they do not come back at all, then they are done eating for the night.
IF they taste it without complaining but do not like it- no prob. We continue our meal in peace.
Keep it up! You are teaching him self-denial, which is probably THE hardest concept to teach a person.
We live by the same law in our house – Lexi has never really been a picky eater – until she started eating lunch at preschool – and I think she picked up on the ‘that’s gross’ syndrome – or who knows, perhaps she came up on it all on her own. but – she will try it – and decide. She’ll eat sushi – and seafood – and LOVES just about any veggie there is – so I don’t complain often – but the ‘rule’ does come out on occasion – and it’s a handy one to have. To me, it’s a clear understanding that yes, you have a choice – but here are the consequences of your choice – consequences are a hard concept to grasp – even for some adults – and to me, it’s a way to guide her even with something as simple as dinner or lunch.
Not a parent yet, but speaking from a former kiddo- my roommate and I just had a discussion about the whole “Clean Plate Club” and how it counteracts the notion of just eating until you’re full. When you grow up being rewarded for eating everything on your plate you tend to ALWAYS eat everything on your plate (and then you end up on Weight Watchers wondering why it is SO hard to leave food behind on your plate when you go out to eat). So, I don’t know how to do this, but I’d definitely urge parents to teach their kids to eat until they are comfortably full and not force them to eat everything placed in front of them. As for the food struggles, I think you did the right thing. My niece and nephew are expected to try everything on their plate. They are old enough now that if they truly don’t like something, my sister tells them that it’s fine, but they have to choose a healthy alternative and they make it themselves (i.e. whole grain cereal, turkey sandwich, etc.). She won’t make a second meal.
Guess I’m the opposite of most. I usually make three or even four different meals (and we only have two kids, LOL) and that’s okay with me. Sometimes if the six year old is picking at dinner and not really eating and I know she’s hardly eaten the whole day we’ll plop her in front of the TV with her dinner on a tray and she gobbles it up. I’m sure you’re all horrified, but my girls are actually good girls and times are peaceful in my household. There are plenty of times when *I* am not that hungry or dinner doesn’t appeal to me and *I* have cereal or a sandwich so why shouldn’t they? I still remember gagging on ricotta cheese and now I love it. I don’t need fancy kids who will eat anything and everything and when would they get the opportunity anyway?? We’re not exactly gourmet around here. :o)
Good for you, Boomama! Be firm but not dramatic about it!
We have a similar rule in our house. If the girls refuse to eat, then their plate and drink are taken away, but they will remain at the table with the family until we are all done. This helps to avoid the issue of wanting to go play instead of eating. They will not have anything to eat or drink until the next meal. We always consider portion size as well.
We have not had to use this rule in over a year. Not bad considering they are 3, 5, and 14. They eat whatever is on the table wherever we are.
Now if we could figure out how to eliminate the negative comments about other peoples food. A work in progess!
Be strong!
I still have nightmares of me sitting at the table an hour after the rest of the family had finished eating, and gagging on cold butterbeans (spew!) when the timer on the oven was about to go off. I had one hour extra to sit there and then I would shove it all in my mouth the last minute if the neighbor’s Collie, Princess, didn’t happen to wander by our kitchen door so I could put my plate on the step and she would lick it clean.
I can’t even look at a can of butterbeans in the grocery without wanting to hurl.
That being said, I am 100% guilty of the 2 meal plan with my kids.
Sue
My husband was the victim of the clean plate club. Thus, we have instituted the following:
You must sit at the table to eat. Roaming is not an option.
You must try everything on your plate. Not hungry? That’s fine. You can sit at the table with us while we eat. No one leaves the table until EVERYONE is done. Still a mass amount of food left on your plate? That will go into the refrigerator and be reserved to you later on. (We only hold it over through the evening, then toss when she goes to bed.) No desserts/treats . . . You must eat your meal first. (All except for peaches and green beans!)
I haven’t read through the comments, but I think you absolutely should hold to P-dub’s law. I do home daycare, and you can really tell whose parents are consistent and whose let them eat ten handfuls of Froot Loops for dinner because they’re so hungry! and it’s not fair! and they have to like what they eat! … It doesn’t set good habits.
Since I’ve got 3 kids with VERY different personalities, let me just tell you what I can based on having a variety. My middle child’s favorite food is asparagus. I’m not kidding. And he’s a great eater and will try just about anything. So, that said, if he tries something and really doesn’t care or it, which is rare, then I allow him not to like it. He just has to be polite about it. I have way too many memories of being forced to choke down brussel sprouts to make a good eater miserable for no real reason other than to “win.”
My youngest child is also a wonderful eater, although a bit pickier than Mr. Asparagus. So with her we make deals such as, “take 4 more bites,” and she’s always willing to eat something that’s not necessarily her favorite if she knows there’s an end in sight.
Then there’s my oldest. His ADD medication makes him feel full ALWAYS. ALWAYS. Add to that the fact that he has ALWAYS been ultra, ultra, uber-picky, and basically what you’re left with is a ginormously tall (my hubby’s family is filled with giants) bag of bones reminiscent of a Norman Rockwell picture. For this child, and the other moms can stone me at dawn if they want, I try to have on hand WHATEVER he will choke down a few bites of. Which is a small list consisting of pizza, pizza, pizza, and baby back ribs. Seriously, I keep enough peanut butter and Nutella on hand so that he can make himself (he’s 9) a sandwich if he doesn’t like the dinner after he’s at least tried it. We’re trying to get him to thrive, so “winning” at dinner means just getting him to eat.
So be flexible depending on your child, would be my advice.
We too, enforce the P-Dub law here at our house.
And meal times can be just as much of a battleground as it sounds like you had last night. The crying, the gaggin, the choking sounds…all over something so simple as gound beef! It never fails to amaze me at the drama they can come up with.
Don’t worry…you will get better at tuning it out!
Boomama,
As a mother of 8 almost-all-grown-up children, I commend you on your tenaciousness. Because, dear sister, this battle was not about beans. It was about a wicked and rebelious, albeit adorable, little heart that cries out to be shaped by those who love him. If you give in on the beans because it ruins one blissful dinner time, the enemy (the devil, not Alex) will have the victory and gets the point. Please believe me, during the teen years, that point spread between good and evil is crucial. Alex will rise up and call you blessed; probably not during adolescence but eventually. I have several young adults that will testify to that truth! Press on!
My, lots of great comments :) We also enforce this rule- which normally is not a problem. My husband lovingly calls my daughter ‘lunchbox’ because she can PUT AWAY some food!
Though one night we had a similar incident over peas and carrots- which she is eaten plenty of before then. Well, when the tears started, we sent her to bed to calm down. A few minutes later, placed her again in front of the peas and carrots. We repeated this FOUR times! THE AGONY!!! She finally ate it- and now she doesn’t bat an eyelash at peas and carrots- or anything else for that matter.
I am guessing you won’t have to go through this much more. It’s important to stay strong. He’s looking for you to stand firm and you did!
Like your experience with Howard, there is the occasional drama flare-up at our family table as well, much to my chagrin. Our rule is you have to eat TWO measly bites of whatever you think you don’t like. Sadly for me, there is nothing I don’t like (except Froglegs and I would cheerfully die before amphibian extremity crossed my lips)so it is beyond my comprehension and childhood memories to know what it is to not like something. My offspring do their best to remind me daily.
The big thing around here (at least with Miles) is potato. Unless it’s in the form of a french fry, he’s complaining (although he’s now venturing into they yummy goodness realm that is hash brown potatoes which is a huge step for us). Two bites pal and the faces you are poking are loverly.
My Mia is a chip off the old block except she’s skinny as a rail. She likes pretty much everything we set before her and if she doesn’t, she eats her two bites FIRST and moves on to the good stuff.
So, to answer your question – we practice the two bite rule.
Well, I wanted to comment to lend my support to you, but it took me forever to read all those commments! So, I have nothing to add. Except, my son also did the gag thing and the tears, which was then followed by, yes, the throw up. But we stuck to our guns and we have not had such an episode in a couple of years. And he has to try what we cook and he usually likes it.
I am cracking up at His Singer’s comment (b) gag and/or throw up at the table. I laugh because it is so true, but also because I wonder if I had known that I would NEED that rule with my own child would I have ever had her in the first place? Probably not. And yet I love her to pieces.
We too battle this from time to time. The thing is, it is ALWAYS over something I think is really good. My son can do a good gagging fit over shells and cheese macaroni!!! He likes the cheap reagular kind but if you try to make the good stuff he will throw a fit! He is almost 11 now so I figure I am not gonna chang ehim on that one!!! LOL I usually do make him try a bite of things though.
I have to say, I would have probably handled things just as you did. Our son is a Failure to Thrive child…meaning that he does not eat well, never has, and there is no medical reason why (that the multiple drs we have visited). We enforce a P-Dub’s Suppertime Law type of attitude at the dinner table. He knows that if he does not eat at dinner — he receives nothing afterwards…because he would snack all day long on his terms, and not eat the right food. (which is normal for kids, I know) So, we have to be strict about how much he eats of each item on his plate, and then his treat is something after dinner. It isn’t a fun battle, but it is worth it if he continues to gain weight!
I didn’t take time to read all of your comments before posting…I’m sure you got a variety of responses. My opinion is this: Do not second guess yourself! Children throw large fits sometimes but you know that he wasn’t being hurt by trying a healthy and delicious food. You maintained your ‘mommyship’ in more areas than just food when you stood firm and will have way fewer battles on your hands in the future because of it. I have a 17 y.o who still doesn’t like to eat sweet potato casserole! (crazy huh? :-))But he is not allowed to discuss it with any of his 4 siblings as they are still learning to eat good for you foods. …and he must eat a little of it whenever I cook it (I cook it rarely and opt for plain sweet taters because of his tastes). I think of food as a requirement for good health and certain foods should be eaten…whether liked or not…plus I think children make much nicer guests when they have learned to eat anything without argument.
My mother always said that she wanted us to be able to eat with the riches of kings or the poorest of the poor and never offend anyone…so that whatever God had called us to do would not be hampered by picky eating or poor manners. Just my humble 2.5 cents.. .:-)
A battle of wills, you say? At the dinner table? I probably would have given in, which means you did the right thing. Unless you pulled a Mrs. Trunchbull and made him eat every last bean in the pot.
Most importantly, you didn’t violate your own rule, and you will be glad you didn’t.
I have absolutely no encouraging words for you. My son is almost two and I’m envious that A. will even TRY something, unlike E.
Reading this made me think back to the funniest home video I’ve seen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBYBV_8Xzh8
Have a blessed day!
This is a hot topic, and one we debate about in our house. Our two oldest, 3 and 2 are polar opposites when it comes to eating. My oldest is the pickiest kid on the earth. We do occasionally make him try different things. And if he doesn’t take a designated amount of bites, then thats it. He gets nothing else. Sometimes, to avoid the battle and when I know he won’t eat what I make, I make him one of his favorites. We also rename foods in the effort to get him to eat it. EVERY meat is Ham since that is all he will eat unless it is a chicken nugget. My middle child will literally eat EVERYTHING you put in front of him. Always is willing to try something new, and then when he finishes his meal, he comes to eat mine. I don’t have a problem finishing my childrens food, I can’t even eat all of mine!
But when I was growing up, my parents had the yuck rule, if we declared Yuck, we got more and had to eat it all. I have some food issues as an adult now, and I don’t want my kids to ever be forced to eat something I myself will not eat. Plus my two boys will eat me out of house and home soon enough!
We have the same laws (eat what is made or be done with no snacks or no complaining and they must try everything on the plate), only we take it one step further. We tell our kids that when they’re trying something new, they must do it with a grateful heart – they cannot gag, make faces or act in a disrespectful manner. Teaching them to appreciate things, especially things they don’t like to have, is good spiritual maturing. They’re going to have to deal with a lot of things they don’t like, and this small gesture may help them to have a praising heart in the midst of discomfort, trials, etc.
Also, we have taught them to thank whoever made dinner, even if it wasn’t a favorite. Gratitude is such a great thing to teach at mealtime, plus it brings an awareness that food doesn’t magically apprear on the table. Time and effort and love when into making that meal and the preparer should be awarded with a thanks for that gesture of care.
And I must tell you, there have been (a very few times) when my son has asked to not eat dinner (after trying a bite of everything) because he didn’t like what was made. He knows that he cannot complain, that it will be morning before he eats again, that he will be very hungry, but we let him make that choice for two reasons: 1) It lets him feel the consequences of his choices and 2) it gives him his own sense of power. We don’t argue over dinner and he’s content to go without. Dinner is not a battle at our place because we all know where things stand.
You did just fine, Boomama. You stay the course and Alex will learn what you want him to learn. Plus, if he’s a good eater, this matter won’t change his eating habits.
We have a rule that you need to at least try one bite of each item, and if you don’t like it, then you can leave the rest. Once you’re “full,” though, you must sit at the table for a few minutes while the rest of the family eats. Dessert is not a reward for good eating….sometimes it’s given, sometimes not. The “clean your plate” rule so many used to use is one of the reason for our nation’s obesity problems, I think. I do not allow snacking, though, once dinner is over if the kids didn’t touch their food at dinner. Yes, they might have gone to bed a tad hungry, but that just means they will eat a REALLY good breakfast the next morning!!
Oh my, I’m adding to my “feel guilty about” list by the minute-
-I do not homeschool.
-I do not bake my own bread.
-I give my kids anitbiotics
-My kids watch some, a little, a tiny bit of TV
and now I can add:
I have not consistantly made my kids taste everything on their plate.
I’m doing the best I know how, but how do these things just not occur to me?!! I think I’ll just blame it on my mother and move on.
Funny post, thanks for the laugh this morning!
I was a single mama for about 3 years when my daughter was very young. I didn’t have time to make 2 meals and so she had to eat what was fixed or go hungry (same as your dinnertime law). She has to take one bite of everything on her plate and if she doesn’t like it after one bite, she doesn’t have to eat it. She, like Alex, discovered a lot of food that she really likes. I have continued with my rule, even now that my daughter is 10. Every now and then, we come across something she cannot stand, but she only has to try one bite. And it is rare that we find something she just cannot eat. I refuse to bend on my one bite rule, because I know too many adults who refuse to eat anything besides chicken tenders and hamburgers, all because they are afraid to try something new. And it’s a pain to the folks around them. And the last thing I want is for my daughter to be a pain.
The P-Dub Law reinforces how we don’t need to recreate the wheel when someone else has already figured it out for us!
I think it’s respectful, firm yet reasonable. I agree with the other comments that allow kids to determine their own “fullness” (and withhold the treats if needed) and reminds us as parents and caretakers that they just may not like what is being served (I can insert my own beef stew memories here).
Manners and respectfulness are still expected, but it’s a wonderful teachable moment to help kids understand that they can “respectfully decline” if needed.
Same rule here, and same desire for our table to be a peaceful place and not battle about food (especially since I have my own food issues that are not pleasant).
Those two desires can seem in opposition to each other, but I’d say out of the 4,000 meals your little man has eaten at the table, one battle here and there is not so shabby.
I found my kids went in stages of fussing, too. Never complained for a year, then spent a week gagging. We’re currently in a non-gagging phase and it is nice. Having said all of that, I’m with Howard and I would have gagged on a bean dish as well. Yuck.
The main rule at our house is that they have to try 1 bite and they have to be polite about refusing whatever food item it is, no ugly faces or gagging noises. My 8 yo is my picky eater, but has gotten much better in the past few years. I don’t have a problem fixing him a sandwich or handing out a cup of yogurt if I’ve fixed something “exotic”. I remember not liking certain things as a child. If I’ve fixed something he has eaten before tho he has to eat it or no alternative choice and no snacking later.
Oh, I have laughed hysterically reading these comments!! :)
You’re doing the right thing BooMama! Hang tough.
Here’s my story. My then 4 yo baby girl, Lauren Paige, would start to cry ON HER WAY TO THE TABLE. Oh, the stress. Imagine 6 others at the table; some laughing, some crying (me), some scorning and one tightening his jaw and preparing for the battle (guess who). After a few weeks of this we decided that we’d better back off so she’d stop fearing the dinner table. All is well now, no more tears on the way to the table and we are back to our regularly scheduled rules. Eat what’s on your plate or go hungry. (remember to be ‘fair’ about how much you serve your little one)
There has already been some great advice given. We don’t make our children clean their plate, but like so many others have said they won’t be getting anything else the rest of the night if they don’t eat a sufficient amount of their dinner. If they don’t like what we are having they don’t have to eat it, but no dessert and I do allow them to have fruit. That is the only extra thing I will let them have if they don’t eat. (My teenager hates fruit, so this is basically punishment to him, but he eats it if he’s hungry enough!)BTW, if he doesn’t eat dinner, but does eat some fruit….still no dessert.
We have strived to make dinner time a good time together. My husband has explained to our children on several occasions that their mother has went to the trouble to prepare a meal for them and they will have the courtesy to me to not make rude comments about what we are eating. Respectfully they comply. It is simple, you have a choice…eat it or don’t, but we do not want to hear about it. We will have good dinner time conversation about our days and our talk will not be consumed with gagging/ whining/ etc. My daughter had to go sit in her bed for a little bit until she decided she could sit with us and not complain. It doesn’t take them long to realize who is in charge if you stick to your guns and then meal time is so pleasant. So far it has worked for us.
I must say there are a couple of foods that we all don’t like, so I do make an exception for those one or two (no more) foods. My son has tried lasagne several times (we called it “pizza in a pan” — he didn’t fall for it!) So on those rare occasions I will let them have a bowl of chicken noodle soup — which they fix and they sit at the table with us and eat their soup while we eat whatever it is we are having.
I think you have to find what works for you, but I don’t believe giving in is helping them in the long run.
My oldest is a picky eater, but not completely horrible. However, he WILL NOT eat ground beef cooked from scratch in any form. The rest of the family CANNOT be held hostage to his tastes, so we deal with it. If I serve a meal that includes ground beef, he has to eat a tiny bite plus his sides, then he can get something else. If he has to choke it down and chase it with large gulps of drink, so be it. But he’s not allowed some exotic replacement; no, he can have peanut butter, cheese, lunchmeat, etc., but I will not ever actually COOK something just for him.
What’s weird is that he used to love ground beef stuff, but around the age of 4, he quit liking it. He said it “choked” him. I think he probably accidentally got choked once at dinner and got a mental block about it thereafter. I don’t even know. It could be just a sensitivity that developed suddenly.
Thankfully, there’s no one right way – we all just do the best we can and hope for the best! :-)
Our dinnertime rule is pretty much “I cook it, you eat it, or you don’t get anything else until breakfast.” I don’t have the time or the money to be a short-order cook. For the most part, we don’t have any mealtime issues, and the kids will eat just about anything, with only one exception. I usually omit the raw tomatoes from my oldest son’s food because he just can’t seem to choke them down, and we’ve tried many times over the years. I think it’s the texture rather than the taste, though, because he’ll eat stewed tomatoes in chili or things like that and has no problem with tomato sauce on pizza or in spaghetti sauce. But we came to the conclusion that he didn’t have to eat them after having him try them over and over again, over a period of years, and I’ll still make him at least try it once in a while now. They make him gag a lot. My two younger kids will try that sometimes, but I know them well enough to be able to tell when it’s a fake gag as opposed to a real danger of vomit. They’re sneaky, but not sneaky enough.
Growing up, I had numerous food battles with my parents. I was forced to sit at the table until everything on my plate was eaten. I sat there for HOURS! I got good at secretly feeding food to my dog, hiding it in my napkin, sneaking it on to the plates of my siblings, etc.
I vowed never to put my child through those battles.
So, here’s how it works in our house. When we sit down for a meal, I put a tiny little bit of everything on Snuggle Bug’s plate. I encourage him to try a bite of everything, which he usually does, but if it’s a veggie he instantly spits it out. He’s boycotting veggies at the moment.
If he doesn’t like something, he doesn’t have to eat it but once he’s done with dinner, that’s usually his last shot at eating. We don’t do snacks before bed.
The only hard and fast dinner rule we have is that Snuggle Bug does not get to leave the table until either I or my husband am done eating.
Of course, every family is different with their rules and that’s okay. I think our own personal experiences as children have a lot to do with our choices as parents.
I try very hard not to make mealtime into a fight. I do not make my son eat more than he wants to, and when he says “May I be excused?”, sometimes I will make him take one more bite and then send him on his way. And then, like you said, dinner is over.
I do make my kid try everything once. If it is something new that he genuinely doesn’t like, I will let him opt out with a PBJ. Also, if I fix something for dinner that Dh and I love, but I know he also genuinely doesn’t like, I will also let him opt out with a PBJ. PBJ is our only opt out option, and only with special circumstances. Still, that loophole in our otherwise strigent dinner rules has saved us lots of grief. I also always try to have at least one thing on the table that I know he will eat.
Also, I will sometimes cave when he has hasn’t eaten any dinner and feed him some crackers or cheese before bed, only because if I don’t, I know from experience that he will be up at 5;30 am saying, “My tummy’s hungry, momma!”
I would rather toss him a cheesestick before bedtime than have him wake me up before sunrise. But that’s just me.
So hard! I think that once they are 2 1/2 or so, they have to eat what is served. I know that with Kyle (3), he is often not hungry at dinner because he’s full of snacks. I try to avoid that, but sometimes we can’t. So, unless I’ve fixed rutabegas covered in moldy hair, knowing that I try to make something that should be able to be consumed by 3 and 9 year old children, they eat what I’ve served or nothing else. I think that fathers are bigger on the “eat!” philosophy than moms. I figure that if they are hungry, they will eat, and if not, they’ll survive 12 hours until breakfast. That’s not to say that there aren’t dinner table battles around here.
We are in the middle of this. With my first daughter, we could enforce the “try one bite” principle and it worked. But now my second daughter is old enough for it to be an issue, and she is insurmountably stubborn. If I tried the same rule for her, every day would be a battle, and I would lose almost every one. This is the same girl who refused to accept anything but the breast, no matter how hungry she was, until she was ten months old.
Stand strong, BooMama! Stand strong.
Pickiness and general rudeness at the table is not allowed at our home. Mostly because it’s like slapping God in the face. Maybe that sounds a little over the top, but it’s true. We have so much in this fine country. God has blessed us with so much. We can at least TAKE A BITE! No pickiness, no complaining — and if you don’t like it, PRETEND! because you’re not getting anything else at this meal.
A lot of life altering dilemmas can be avoided by simple “little” things at the dinner table. Just like you’ve done.
I put quote on “little” because it probably didn’t seem like such a little thing last night. But times like that build the character in children that helps to avoid major critical problems in the teen years.
Keep up the good work!
We absolutely abide by this law. I have so many friends who make their kids whatever they want for their meal and I will NOT do it. I will make one meal and one meal only for dinner. Now lunchtime, I will give the two choices, pbj or ham and cheese…but that is it. My husband made the horrid mistake of telling me once that he did NOT want what I had cooked for dinner…come to find out, his mother asked him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! You have got to be kidding me…needless to say, this rule has gone even further in our house…we actually set a timer and you must finish what you want for your meal by the time the timer goes off (this part is not every night)…if you haven’t finished a set amount by then, there are no additional forms of food the rest of the night. If they have finished set amount, we might allow a snack or treat later. Its very important my children understand they might not always like something when they are at home or at someone else’s house…our other rule is they are NOT allowed to complain at someone elses house and they MUST eat what has been put in front of them!!! I’m a nazi!!!
One thing that has helped us with dinnertime battles is designating specific nights for dessert. In our house, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday nights are when we have dessert. This eliminates the whole “only eating because we’re having dessert tonight” syndrome that we were falling into.
The Kids (ages 7 and 4) also know that there are no snacks between dinner and bed, so if they choose not to eat, they’re gonna get mighty hungry. (However, if they HAVE eaten well and they’re hungry after dinner, I chalk it up to a growth spurt and will let them have something kind of healthy.)
Well I have no kids as of yet however, I can tell you there are major issues with my step-brother and step-sister regarding food. Their parents would cook meals and they would refuse to eat them and instead of standing their ground, they would let them go to the pantry and pick whatever they wanted. I believe they had goldfish more often than not for dinner. Now, one just started college and the other is in high school and they still will only eat a handful of things, all of which are junk. You go out to dinner with them and they will only choose chicken fingers, french fries, occasionally a hamburger or macaroni and cheese. The younger one, the boy, will still cry every now and then if mom or dad try to force him to eat something. If they come over for a party or something they usually put bread, bread, and then some bread on their plates because they won’t eat much else that is offered. So be very glad Alex is not a picky eater and I commend you for standing your ground because I feel bad for the people who have to marry those two.
Wow. I didn’t know we were in such good company. We have always had the rule that 1) you eat what’s in front of you without complaining, and 2) you always take a no-thank-you helping, which can be one bite. And if you don’t, or you complain about it, then DAD gives you your no-thank-you helping. (evil grin)
There are two corollaries: 1) mom will do her best to make the food tasty, and 2) we will not give you more than you can eat and then insist that you do.
Our youngest is now sixteen and all four of our kids eat well. They even thank us (!) for making them eat when they were younger. (I guess it really does happen….)
Here’s my two cents’ worth about food rules: It’s not about food. It’s about control. A child learns quickly where mom and dad will back down– at the store to prevent an embarrassing incident? at the table to avoid starvation? If parents win the food fight, it sets the stage for good behavior in other areas.
So, in my opinion, good job– you’re doing great.
We have a similar law at our house, but we instituted it around age 3 with Camden, and will do the same with Logan. If Camden doesn’t want to eat a reasonable amount of the food that’s offered at dinner, if he’s “too full” or if he just thinks it’s “yucky,” that’s fine, but no more food until the next morning. There have been times when he has upped the drama quotient, but I do my best (not always successfully) to stay calm and to patiently say, “You know the deal.”
We have the “no thank you” bite. They must always take a bite and if they don’t want it, there must be a “No thank you” to follow. We’ve actaully had some gagging and throwing up after the “not thank you bite”. But we’ve also had some meals gone because of it! You go girl.
Bless your heart. Isn’t mommy guilt the worst? I always feel worse after battling with my kids – if my emotions got out of control! It’s sometimes hard to remain calm and clear-thinking.
It looks like you’ve gotten lots of good advice. I’m not sure if this has been mentioned – my SIL tells her kids they must give it a try. If they don’t like it, they can have a salad. I’m telling you, those kids are great eaters and LOVE them some salad!! It’s really impressive.
I am with all the “try one bite” moms. That’s what we did, and I always told my kids that their tastebuds would change and they might like something today that they didn’t last week! I would try not to dig in my heels, though, because you don’t want to make a memory that will last forever. I would always make the point that something they didn’t like now, they probably would like when they got a little more “grown up.” I wanted them to have the idea that most grownups liked almost all foods, or at least could eat them without a scene! I am happy to report that both of my children, ages 16 and 20, are fine eaters!
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