Because I’ll Remember It Better If I Document It

Oh, why not: some real-time thoughts on The Bachelor.

And I’m doing this as I watch, so it may not be terribly coherent. Or, you know, good.

We found out right off the bat that there’s one group date, two one-on-one dates. And not everybody gets dates, which does seem to be quite the disadvantage. Since the premise of the show is sort of dependent on getting to know someone and all.

The first date went to Stephanie, a darling Alabama girl who’s never met an accessory she didn’t like. She left the house in a printed t-shirt and a scarf and a bottle cap belt and a fab Lucky bag and some big earrings and a hoodie with some sort of design on it. Plus a necklace. And a watch. And rings.

And I’m not gonna lie, y’all. When her little girl ran out from behind those rocks, I totally teared up. She is a doll. The three of them seemed to have a big time at Legoland, and may I just say: NICE KLASSY TOUCH on the Lego rose. I so appreciate consistency with a theme.

The second date was a group date with Melissa (MY FAVORITE), Megan, Shannon (who needs to DIAL IT DOWN a little bit in my opinion), Nikki, Jillian and some other girls whose names I don’t remember. The plan was for them to make busts of, well, their busts to benefit breast cancer research, and DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED about what my reaction would be if I was expected to do such a thing on a date. Granted, it was all for a good cause, but, um, NO MA’AM. Because at this stage in my life some things just don’t need to be permanently cast in plaster. Just sayin’.

I especially enjoyed Jillian’s dress, by the way. The white embroidery on the royal blue background was cute and playful and I was a fan. Also, my heart really went out to Nikki because I’ve been that girl who felt left out, like, SEVENTY MILLION TIMES. In fact, I was that girl from about 19-26. And it’s an icky feeling.

Next up was an individual date with Natalie, who totally should have been ready on time. I mean, you’re in a house with absolutely no distractions except for a pool, and seeing as how you don’t have to work or go to the grocery store or anything, BE PROMPT. Anyway, Natalie got to wear some expensive jewelry, and then she found out that they were taking a private jet to Vegas.

Attention, Natalie: THAT’S NOT REAL LIFE. Because as Big Mama so wisely pointed out earlier today, real life with Jason will at some point require the winning bachelorette to clean up after a small child battles a stomach virus. GOOD TO REMEMBER THAT.

At dinner Jason asked Natalie if there was anything he needed to know about her, and she answered by saying “I love bears.” While her answer didn’t really indicate that she’s a person of great depth, OH, it did make for some mighty fine television. The look on Jason’s face was priceless. Even better was the fact that he followed up her bold statement with “Like koala bears? Panda bears?”

“Nope. All bears,” Natalie replied.

She went on to say that her favorite part of the date was “seeing all those things created by nature.”

THERE’S TV GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS.

In the end Natalie didn’t get the rose because Jason didn’t think that they had enough in common, and when he tried to explain that to her she demonstrated an incredible amount of maturity by replying, “WHATEVER.” Then she said that she would be ready to be a mother “tomorrow” and proceeded to unleash a string of expletives. So I’m thinking maybe it was time for Natalie to go.

Next up was the party before the rose ceremony, and Jason was quick to point out that he loved Nikki’s dress. I’m going to leave it at that and trust that Big Mama will leave a comment saying all the stuff I’m avoiding. But what I will say is that the kiss between Jason and Nikki was THE MOST AWKWARD IN ALL BACHELOR HISTORY, OH BLESS THEIR HEARTS, and that is saying something, my friends.

Megan spent most of the evening on the defensive, and she seems to feel like the other girls in the house aren’t as mature and deep as she is. It seems like she’s a drama magnet (I’m one of those people who thinks drama is a CHOICE, and I know that because I CHOSE IT for a chunk of my 20s), but that could definitely be some unfavorable editing. However, it was a fine reality television moment when Chris Harrison attempted to combat all the drama by opening the floor for an airing of grievances.

Which naturally led to even more drama. Which led to Stephanie locking herself in the bathroom.

So obviously Chris Harrison’s strategy really calmed things down.

When we finally made it to the rose ceremony, Jason didn’t give roses to Kari or Erica. I was surprised that Megan got a rose after all the drama, but maybe Jason wants to get to know her a little better instead of relying on secondhand information.

All righty. There you have it.

And in conclusion, I love bears.

All bears.

The end.