Have I ever told y’all about when David and I were dating and he whisked me off to New Zealand?
No?
Maybe that’s because IT NEVER HAPPENED.
However, he did take me to the Ryan’s Family Steakhouse buffet a few times, and oh, we did we ever make eyes at each other over a basket of piping hot yeast rolls (with some Country Crock Honey Butter Spread on the side).
So what I’m saying is that I can’t really relate to the whole fantasy date thing. I can’t relate to going back to a “fantasy suite” (though we did stay at a Comfort Inn & Suites recently, but that was a wee bit different than some sort of romantic hideaway in New Zealand). And I sure as heck can’t relate to wearing a bikini and piling up in a hot tub ON NATIONAL TELEVISION because, well, NO.
But don’t think for one second that my inexperience in these areas is going to prevent me from discussing them.
Tonight’s fantasy date episode of The Bachelor started with Jason saying “her and I” AGAIN, but I was willing to forgive his pronoun errors since I really liked the scruffy beard he was sporting. After ten minutes of recap, we finally got to see Jason in New Zealand, where he wore a leather jacket and stood on a rock and looked very rugged (see: scruffy beard).
Jillian had the first fantasy date, and Jason picked her up in a helicopter (which, by the way, was always the preferred method of transportation when David and I went to the Ryan’s Family Steakhouse). Apparently Jason and Jillian talked beforehand and said, “Hey! I know! Let’s both wear PLAID!” because they were both sporting some serious flannel. I’d also like to add that they looked absolutely exhausted, thus confirming my previously stated concerns about the jet lag.
While they sat on the edge of a cliff (metaphor much?), Jillian told Jason that he was amazing and they had such a connection and she was so grateful for their amazing connection, and she went on to say that she was looking for someone who could be her best friend. Jason responded by saying that he felt like he could be friends with her forever, but then he told us (apparently Jason thinks we’re all REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS) that he didn’t know if there was any passion between them.
So they met for supper in some abandoned building and Jason said AGAIN (just to us. not to Jillian. I think he trusts us, y’all.) that he didn’t know if they have a romantic connection. Jillian said that everytime she’s with Jason it exceeds her expectations, at which point I wanted to climb through the TV, tap her on the shoulder and say, Hey, Jill – do you mind if I call you Jill? – PRODUCERS PLAN THESE OUTINGS. If you make it to Seattle, it’s gonna be lots of Wendy’s Value Menu and some DVR’d episodes of “30 Rock.” Don’t kid yourself, sister.
Then they went back to the fantasy suite where we were subjected to waaaay too much footage of them in the hot tub.
(Is anybody else noticing that whereas people on The Bachelor used to pretend like they were just going back to the fantasy suite for drinks or something, now the people on the show are much more vocal about why they’re going back to the hotel room?)
(IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE.)
(And if you’re under the age of eighteen and reading this, you need to know that the reason they’re going back to that hotel room is to play board games.)
The next date was Molly, and the first thing I noticed was that she ran like crazy toward Jason and he pretty much stood still.
Symbolic? PERHAPS.
Molly and Jason went bungee jumping, an activity that gave Molly lots of opportunities to make puns (“we’re taking a leap of faith together”) as well as analogies (“it’s like we’re going through something scary together, but we have each other to lean on”). And also: “[Bungee jumping] was really like falling in love. You’re sitting on the edge. You’re scared. And then you just have to let go and do it.”
Well said, Molly. Well said.
Afterwards they had coffee and Molly pulled out a long list of questions, a move that was nothing short of brilliant since we all know how much guys like to have an endless barrage of questions fired at them. Molly was quick to point out that she was saving one question for later (WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY BE? SURELY IT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE FANTASY SUITE, YOU CLEVER GIRL!).
And (sort of) seriously, I think what made me the most uncomfortable about the whole Q & A exchange is that it spotlighted the fact that Molly and Jason’s conversations are a little stilted and awkward. It seems like she isn’t willing to just let conversations happen, and tonight I kept thinking that watching Molly with Jason is like watching a girl act like she thinks she’s supposed to act in order to make a guy interested. That doesn’t really have “LONG TERM” written all over it.
Later that night “J” and “Mol” had dinner in front of a really large fireplace, and after about three different awkward silences, Jason broke out with an analysis of Molly’s family’s body language. Molly told Jason that she was falling in love with him, and about that time my husband – who was tapping away on his Blackberry and as far as I could tell not even watching the show – piped up and said, “Well, it’s pretty obvious that he’s not falling in love with her.”
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, PEOPLE.
After dinner Molly pulled out her list of questions again, and I’m sure you were as surprised as I was when she used her final question – written in beautiful, painstakingly-crafted calligraphy – to ask Jason to go back to the fantasy suite. Personally I think that “Mol” is most comfortable when she’s in control, but Jason didn’t ask me so I couldn’t warn him. Anyway, they went back to the fantasy suite and put on their bathing suits and then climbed in a bath tub.
Which, as I’m sure we can all attest, is pretty much what every married couple in America does on a nightly basis.
Last but certainly not least in the fantasy date line-up was Melissa, and the first thing I noticed was THEY RAN TO EACH OTHER, IT’S TOTALLY A SIGN. I also noticed that Melissa used “Jason and I” incorrectly, so maybe these two really are destiny. “Her and I” loves “Jason and I.” It’s PERFECT.
The two lovebirds took a boat ride (has anyone else noticed that he always does stuff with her where they just hang out and spend time together?), and I loved how easily Melissa articulated what she was thinking and feeling (a Bachelor anomaly for sure). They talked a little bit about how Jason was disappointed that he hadn’t met her parents, but then he assured her that not meeting them doesn’t affect his feelings for her, so LET’S JUST MOVE ON NOW, M’KAY?
Jason grinned like crazy when he saw Melissa walking toward him for their nighttime date, and then they had dinner at some place with a bunch of red curtains. The Southern girl in me was tickled to death to see them actually eating their food and not just playing with it. After dinner they went back to the fantasy suite, and while normally I’m totally cheesed out by any fantasy suite shenanigans, that wasn’t as true this time because Melissa told Jason that she loved him and it was almost as good as “Notting Hill,” I promise. So naturally when Jason responded by saying that he was completely falling for her, I couldn’t help but worry that we’re in the midst of a major Bachelor fake-out.
I WILL BE SO ANGRY IF THAT HAPPENS, I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU.
Before the rose ceremony Chris and Jason had their weekly therapy session, a part of the show that I have grown to adore. I like how Chris looks at Jason oh-so-earnestly and says, “So. How are you holding up?” and then Jason pours out his heart and I smile and wish that this season would never end. Once the therapy session was over, Chris told Jason that each girl had made “a very personal, private video message” – so private, in fact, that each message was only seen by Jason and the millions of people watching.
I adore reality television.
We didn’t really learn anything new in the videos, but I thought it was interesting that while Molly and Melissa professed their love, Jillian held back a little bit. And based on how often Jason said tonight that he’s looking for so much more than a best friend, I’m thinking maybe Jillian should have said more than how they would laugh a bunch together and enjoy lots of homecooked meals. And there’s not anything wrong with those things, of course – we just have to remember that Jason wants an amazing passionate connection with lots of passion that’s very amazing. And connecting.
Jason was pretty emotional at the rose ceremony (quick aside: I love Melissa, but what in the sam hill was she wearing?). However, he composed himself and gave the first rose to Melissa, which was really no surprise at all.
BUT THEN.
The second rose went to Molly, and WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT JILLIAN NOT SAYING ENOUGH IN THE VIDEO?
MY WORD.
(Seriously. I have to bring it up again. WHAT was Melissa wearing? Were there rhinestone hearts on the back of that dress? And some scallops?)
After Jillian left Jason had to sit down on a bench and compose himself while I wondered why there were two frilly purple pillows (with trim!) on a bench that was totally exposed to the elements. Jason said he was falling for Jillian but not in love with her, so I guess he was falling into like? Into friendship? Into I-know-I-only-want-to-be-with-Melissa-so-getting-rid-of-Jillian-will-make-the-final-decision-even-easier?
The previews for the next two weeks were such BONAFIDE GOLD that I’m going to have to watch them about six more times, and while I don’t have any idea why the “After the Final Rose” show has the potential to be “so dramatic and so emotionally difficult,” you can rest assured that I won’t get a good night’s sleep until I find out.
So farewell, Jillian. We all thought you were adorable. If it’s any consolation, you had on the best dress tonight and your hair has never looked better.
It’s true.
And finally, Jill – do you mind if I call you Jill? – I’d like to leave you with this:
Though your tears fall like rain.
And you no doubt feel pain.
True love you will attain.
I’ll say it aGAIN and aGAIN.
Like a refrain.
[dramatic pause]
[stay with the pausing for impact]
Auf wiedersehen.
February 17th, 2009 at 2:34 am
i live for these recaps they are hilarious! even though i don’t get to watch the bachelor cuz i work night shift i know i can come here and get the scoop :) thanks!
jineen
February 17th, 2009 at 5:48 am
Esentially, you said almost verbatim exactly what my wife Cindy was commenting through the whole show. And to continue with the parallel-ness of our lives, like your husband, I had my Blackberry AND made a genius observation or two.
February 17th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Great recap! I was also a bit baffled by Melissa’s dress. She is such a cute girl and that dress did nothing for her and might have even done somethings against her. I was so on the edge of my seat when they did the plug for the After the Rose Ceremony. I had to call my Mother in Law right away and talk that one through. What on earth has Jason so upset that he is sobbing! That’s some good TV to look forward to!
February 17th, 2009 at 6:20 am
I started watching because Molly is from my area and is in the newspapers every week, so I want to see how the hometown girl does. But after finding your recaps, I watch mainly so I can laugh as I read your take on the show and agree with pretty much everything you write. My husband was doing some paperwork next to me while I watched, and I shook my head whenever Jason kissed a girl/climbed in a hot tub with a girl/stretched out on a bed with a girl, and my husband said, Why do you even watch this? I’m not sure, but I gotta see the end now!
February 17th, 2009 at 6:25 am
We were ‘whelmed by the emotion – the connections which were strong and those which only lasted through a hot night in a tub and bedroom! I do think it is highly unsanitary to do all that kissing on one then another and another – not even going there on the fantasy suite. Jillian was just a little too buddy through the whole thing – but honestly MOL? previews were enough to make DH say he isn’t watching anymore this season (he says that every year)
February 17th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Isn’t he sobbing in the previews because that GIRL from the other show shows up? Or did that already happen? I have a 7yo that goes to bed kind of late every night so I don’t watch much of this. Just bits and pieces here and there. That’s why I come here for the real recap!
February 17th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Imagine my dismay when I sat down to watch this episode and found that by some error in DVR programming (I’m not pointing any fingers but the MAN in my house is high on my list of suspicious persons), the episode had not been taped.
Thank goodness for you, BooMama.
I can now go on with my life.
And hide the remote from husband.
February 17th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Don’t forget that next week will be the most dramatic ending to the Bachelor in Bachelor history.
I admit that I had the TV on, listened to a little here and a little there. I’ve been over the Bachelor since Andrew Firestone. It was done for me then and I just can’t pull back around. Ugh.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:03 am
BooMama,
I have never watched the Bachelor and after reading your recap, I don’t think I ever will. Your recap has to be a million times better than they show. Another great thing about the recap, there are no commercials. Keep on writing.
PS Are you going to write about American Idol? I loved reading your comments from past seasons.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I’m so with Terrie. YOU should be making millions with your recap. Seriously. HI-larious.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I don’t even watch this show, but your recaps CRACK ME UP!
February 17th, 2009 at 7:24 am
We don’t yet have this series (can you believe it?…..what are the British TV executives doing to us?) but I LOVE your recaps.
In fact the show may not actually live up to my expectations! I am resisting the urge to look for some clips of it online – as I am imagining the characters, and don’t want reality to spoil my fantasy!
Keep up the recaps – loving them all.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:25 am
OK, so here’s my guess on “the most DRAMATIC finale ever, ever, ever!” I think he’ll choose Melissa and the After the final rose show will be where he meets her “Private” family for the first time, hence the PRIVATE taping, etc…etc…I also think DeAnna is just there to warn him not to pick the wrong girl, she’s not going to try and get back in his life…I don’t think!
February 17th, 2009 at 7:29 am
I cannot handle the kissing each girl again and again. It’s so cheesy the way he waits and then kisses at the right moment. And the fantasy suite dates? I don’t even wanna know – but I sure as heck wouldn’t marry someone if I knew for sure he had made out with two others right before me. I wish they wouldn’t do that part – seriously. That’s just way too gross to think about. It’s just not nice!
Jillian had to go – she would have talked Jason to death. Ever notice how she talks really, really fast? and a lot?
I’m not sure I can watch another season of The Bachelor. It seems very cruel to break people’s hearts on national tv. The crying! Wow!
Anyway thanks for the recap – I love how you notice things I never notice – like Melissa’s dress. I just thought it was a pretty color lol.
Hugs,
Marie
February 17th, 2009 at 7:35 am
LOVE your recaps. For some reason, the font on your blog shows up super tiny on my screen, but I just copy and paste your post into word and read it that way…I won’t be deterred!!! It’s nice to read your posts b/c it sounds like you are as much of a fan of reality tv as I am.
February 17th, 2009 at 7:36 am
I already want to shake DeAnna and tell she has NO BUSINESS COMING BACK AND MESSING EVERYTHING UP!! She’s such a jerk! (even if it was planned by the producers)
February 17th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I have a scary obgyn appt in about 90 minutes, and this was just the thing I needed to distract me and make me laugh this morning. Thanks, BooMama!
February 17th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Tonya beat me to the punch! That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking to myself last night when they showed the empty studio. That Chris is so dramatic!
And just for the record, I was shouting at Melissa last night with her terrible use of grammar and pronouns… You’re not alone.
I simply cannot wait for Molly to get the boot.
On one final note, last night’s hot tub thing with Jill made me so uncomfortable that I covered my eyes. I’m 27 and I covered my eyes! I mean, hitting mute and just watching the facial expressions was enough to bump up the tv rating to “MA”! I kept waiting for captions to come up on the screen that said “slurp!” or “groan!” (but then again, if my eyes were covered, I wouldn’t have known.) Oh no wait, that only happened on Joe Millionaire!
By the way, if I were Jason, I’d consider waxing that patch of black hair in the small of his back. It wasn’t very flattering to see in the hot tub, and I nearly puked…
February 17th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Oh Great Boomama…you are the reason to watch this show. I love every. single. word.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Your recaps are a gift to the world. Honestly. My favorite statement this time around might be the amazing, passionate connection with lots of passion that’s very amazing. And connecting. HILARIOUS!
February 17th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Ohmigoodness, I have not laughed so hard in a very long time.
Thank you for pointing out all of the ridiculously over the top metaphors. I kept screaming metaphor at the TV last night.
Did you notice also that both Molly and Jason were wearing brown???? It was at that point I started to think producers might also be hinting around about wardrobe decisions! Haha.
I just cannot wait til the finale. Thanks for doing these recaps. They make watching the show all the more entertaining and fun!
February 17th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Can I just say that your recap makes this season of The Bachelor (which I adore) so much more wonderful!! Thanks for supplementing my Bachelor obsession with your awesome commentary! Can’t wait til next week!
February 17th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Jill’s hair at the Rose Ceremony certainly was the highlight of the evening, for me.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Brilliant recap. Simply brilliant.
The grammar was especially atrocious last night. I think the words, “more better” and ” the most funnest” were actually used, along with a plethora of “me and so and so” to help round out the worst grammar ever in Bachelor history.
February 17th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I don’t even watch this show, but I had to read your whole recap after you mentioned Ryan’s Steakhouse. My poor husband took me there on our FIRST date, and he has yet to live it down. :)
February 17th, 2009 at 8:49 am
So glad you majored in Reality T.V. That degree is totally paying off! ;-)
February 17th, 2009 at 8:50 am
You are the queen of recaps!! I did not watch the show, and I felt pretty good about it last night knowing that I could just read your post today and enjoy myself just as much. Have a great day :)
February 17th, 2009 at 8:52 am
OH YEAH!
I love watching the show, but I love reading your recap EVEN MORE!
Hot tubs are filthly little places of breeding germs and bacteria, and last night showed that to be even more true! Legs, people?!? WRAPPED! Yikes!
It is Melissa. We both called it :)
Big hug, Boo!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:00 am
I cannot tell you how much I love your recaps. They are bloggy gold! I’m glad that I’m not the only one that is more than a little uncomfortable with the willingness of these girls to get all bump and grindy in the hottubs. Don’t they know their Daddy’s are gonna see this?
I am so pulling for Melissa, and DeAnna needs to just back off. She had her chance and blew it.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Girl, I am feeling you in this post!!! I almost couldn’t sleep last night b/c of the upcoming After The Final Rose preview!!! All I can say, is they better NOT make it so private that we don’t know what goes on!!! I would be ticked, girlfriend!!! I didn’t notice Melissa’s outfit, b/c I couldn’t get past HER HAIR!!! What was she thinking?!?!?! She was trying to impress him, I presume??? And I’m for her too…I noticed that he didn’t run to Molly like he did Melissa and that they were so strained it was uncomfortable!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Boomama! BooMama! Did you notice at the end, when Jason had the two of them on his arm after the Rose Ceremony, he was totally looking at Melissa just about the whole time, then casually glanced at the other M at the end? Seriously! Watch it!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Today you have eased my sorrow, ha!
I loved “jil” and am so mad (but in a “I’ll watch it again next season” kind-of-way) that Jason clearly is looking for a hormonal response rather than a genuine relationship.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:15 am
That was BY FAR the best recap evah! THE BEST! I’m so done with Molly. I’d really like to just say I hate her but hate is not a word I throw around so I better just say I really don’t like her. ;) I would say things like that all the time in HS so I’m having some serious flashbacks or something. I dunno.
Anyway…excellent job. I can’t wait to see how this all plays out. And truly, the best part of the final episode is him leaning over the balcony and SOBBING. Makes me laugh. *grin*
Go Melissa Go! We love ya girl.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
Hi! I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago, and I love it. You are brilliantly funny! I don’t know how you remember so many details from the show, but it just makes me laugh and laugh. My husband actually watches the Bachelor with me (I make him), and we were laughing so hard because each episode they announce that this is going to be the most DRAMATIC rose ceremony in Bachelor history, and next week is going to be the most DRAMATIC show in Bachelor history, and the finale is going to be the most DRAMATIC finale in Bachelor history. If this keeps going at this rate, just think how DRAMATIC this show is going to be a few seasons from now. We won’t be able to handle it! Ha! Thanks for the great laughs.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
You should be paid millions and millions for these recaps – pure gold, I tell you, pure gold.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:20 am
I actually got the kids to bed early and was able to watch most of last night’s episode, for once. I picked up on the “her and I” bit, and I quietly corrected him in my head.
YOu know, my dating experience with my hisband was so much like this too…faraway places, hot tubs, helicopter rides, etc…OK mine was more like the Ryans’ buffett too, but I’m not complaining. I got a keeper.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:38 am
This re-cap was GOLD!! Some of your best work, I must say. Chris Harrison has NOTHIN’ on you!
PS – Now that he’s sent Jillian (my fav) home, I’m secretly hoping that DeAnna comes in & sweeps him off his feet again. I’m just not crazy about M&M with Jason…
February 17th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I love your recaps!! I totally agree about Melissa’s dress, and her hair what is up with that. I was really rooting for Jillian but I guess know I am hoping he pick Melissa. I am not fond of Molly at all!!!! And, for the record, DeAnna had her chance and she blew it!!
February 17th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Yep. Candyland is the board game of choice on these shows.
February 17th, 2009 at 9:54 am
When he is crying over the rail, do you think it is when he is sending Molly home at the FRC???
Also, what if Molly shows up pregnant at the AFR??? Ha! J/K
Ryans Steakhouse….too funny….
February 17th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I love you, BooMama. This is gold. Pure gold.
We spent Christmas in Queenstown (I know!) and TOOK THAT HELICOPTER RIDE and watched people on that bungy jump oh my goodness, so I spent most of the show trying to figure out why our hotel room didn’t appear to be a fantasy suite.
Jillian definitely had the best dress. Oh, well.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I thought the same thing about those pillows! ha!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Your recaps are hilarious! I love them! I’ve been emailing the link to my friends and husband – who I am sure will enjoy them just as much as I do because even though he pretends he’s not so interested in the show, he TOTALLY is!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:19 am
ROFL!!!! I KNEW this post would crack me up!! Let me tell you that I was watching it and DVR-ing it at the same time BECAUSE I knew that they were up to something! I had to have it on tape and rewind about 1,000 x’s what Chris said at the end. hee hee
This is what I think: Next week we have the Women Tell All…and then the finale a week later…..I think that Jason and Deanna are going to end up together and Jason will have to bid a teary farewell to Molly and Melissa. THEN: we will get to watch an uncomfortable Melissa have it out with Jason privately, without the rejected women looking on (as they usually do)on an empty set with just Jason and Melissa.(and us) THEN: we will watch Deanna and Jason state their undying passion and love toward each other and the following week we will find out Deanna loves Jason but isn’t in love with Jason and she will break up with him. Whew!
There you have it….straight from me to you. lol
You were so right about Melissa’s dress…I didn’t get it.
On to next week.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I love your recaps. I always can’t wait to read them! I was hoping you would discuss your thoughts about the dream that “Jill” had. I about died when she told Jason about her dream, especially after she just got dumped!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:27 am
You are one of a kind. HA!!! Love the recap. I too am on the edge of my seat and sooo anxious to see what is gonna happen. I wish they didn’t even show me a preview and make me wait…I had a good laugh and agree with you. Keep up the good stuff. Can’t wait to read the AI report tomorrow…
February 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
FYI – go back to the Jillian date and when Jason gets out of the helicopter… did you notice Jill’s jeans? They had this design on the pockets that just made her look like she had huge love handles… which we know she doesn’t thanks to the bikini. After a couple of Oprah “what jeans you should wear” shows, I pay much more attention to details like the pockets and bootcut vs tappered.
Of course Mel’s dress was horrible… but if you read Chris’s blog on EW.com… he had to give Jason his tie for the rose ceremony, so maybe Mel and J are more meant for each other than we thought.
Just found your blog on the show… love it!
February 17th, 2009 at 10:41 am
If I lived anywhere even remotely close to you, I’d totally want to watch The Bachelor with you. :) But, I guess I’ll just have to settle for reading your recaps. It’s going to be a long two weeks of waiting for the finale!!! My Bachelor experience certainly wouldn’t be complete without your blog or Chris Harrison’s blog!!
I am a little concerned that Jason is going to choose Molly because of the whole not meeting Melissa’s parents thing. And, I went to bed last night thinking that this really private thing must be that someone is pregnant… probably the last girl he sends home. YIKES! I hope I am SO wrong on that!
p.s. I vote Jillian for the next Bachelorette. :)
February 17th, 2009 at 10:41 am
Like everyone else, I love reading your recaps of The Bachelor. I am not really rooting strongly for either of the two that are left. I think that he will pick Melissa, but I don’t believe that it will last “the test of time” anyway…..
February 17th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Last night for the first time all Bachelor season I watched an episode.
I liked Jillian. Oh well, I guess because it was my first episode and she was the first date, I liked her best out of all of them. Thanks for the recap at least I could follow along this time because I actually watched an epidsode.