Everything Was Real. Except For The Parts That Weren’t.

My excitement about tonight’s finale has been dampened just a bit because I’ve been running fever for the last 24 hours and nothing sounds better to me right now than SLEEP, GLORIOUS SLEEP, SLEEP THAT RELIEVES MY BURNING EYELIDS. Not to mention that we’ve been planning for weeks for our super-fun-good-time friends the Whittakers to join us for tonight’s show, but we had to cancel our get-together because of the aforementioned fever, the fever that is evil and steals all the fun.

Fortunately the fever has no power over the cheesetacular that is The Bachelor finale. Oh, it makes the cheese a little more melty, but if you’ve been reading here any time at all you know that I’m not really one to complain about melty cheese.

I’ve been so focused on the question of who will get the final rose tonight that I sort of forgot about the part where Melissa and Molly will meet Ty and then meet Jason’s family. I am also understandably delighted that in the first five minutes of the show I get to see both girls do a full 360 degree turn in their evening gowns as well as seeing Ty play on the beach with some strange woman until his daddy shows up.

I feel that we’re off to an excellent start.

Melissa is the first of the two girls to meet Ty, and she and Ty seem to get along beautifully. I wish she wouldn’t use a baby voice when she talks to him, but I think we all know that if she actually becomes a part of Jason’s family, that baby voice will go away the first time Ty leaves peanut butter smeared all over her breakfast room chairs. That’ll put her in touch with her big girl voice super quick, don’t you think?

Next we see Melissa meet Jason’s family, and my first thought is honestly Oh, God love ‘em, they’ve been down this road before. At least this time the road led them to New Zealand. Maybe that’s a sweet little second-time-around bonus for them. The subject of Jason not meeting Melissa’s parents keeps coming up again and again and again, and I can’t help but wonder if the producers couldn’t have worked out a private meeting at some point? I mean, would that have been too difficult to arrange? Because I’m thinking that all it takes to make that happen is, oh, A PHONE NUMBER.

Melissa’s visit goes off without any hiccups – she seems totally at ease and comfortable – so next up is Molly. I think Molly’s time with Jason’s family should be especially interesting because while she’s cute as a button and all, she doesn’t give off the same warmth that Melissa does. And since Jason’s family seems like the kind of people who would cry their eyes out every single time they sing “Happy Birthday” to one another, I’m thinking that warmth is probably pretty high up on their list of desirables.

This is just my opinion, of course. Seeing as how I don’t know them at all.

Molly seems super-nervous before she meets Ty, but within minutes everything is golden. They fly a kite, they jog, they sit on the beach. It does make me laugh a little bit that both Melissa and Molly think one day of good times with Ty equals MOTHERHOOD SUCCESS! – because as Big Mama and I have discussed once or thrice, those girls really need to be with Ty on a day when he gets a stomach virus to understand the full depth and breadth of parenting. I’ll even go so far as to say that they need to be with Ty on a day when he has a stomach virus and then Jason comes home from work and asks them what’s for supper and where are the clean towels.

That’s a recipe for the most dramatic Bachelor episode ever, my friends.

Molly meets Jason’s family and is very! wide-eyed! and enthusiastic! about how much she loves Jason! and how ready! she is! to settle down! Jason’s siblings and sister-in-law seem to love Molly, so Jason and his mama sit on the grass underneath a quilt and talk about who’s the better choice for him. Jason cries. His mama loves on him and gives him some advice. He cries some more. And I am convinced in this moment that I’ve never seen a finer two minute span of reality television in my life, oh thank you ABC.

Apparently Melissa and I are on the same page because she calls her parents and asks if they can talk to Jason on the phone. The only thing I’m wondering is why she didn’t ask them to do that very thing WHEN JASON WAS IN HER HOMETOWN, but hindsight’s always 20/20, I reckon. Then Melissa and Jason take a boat ride in the freezing cold rain and go back to her condo. She tells him that her parents want to talk to him, he is delighted, and I get a feeling way down deep in my bones that this is going to end badly for her.

I do not like that feeling, by the way.

The next day Jason has a date with Molly, and since it’s raining she takes charge and changes their plans (DO YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU THAT SHE LIKES TO BE IN CONTROL?). I won’t give the play-by-play of their massage time, but afterwards they fix dinner and she gives him a book entitled “A Fairytale Love Story.” Y’all, I had such a moment of pure happiness when I saw that book because do you remember when Jesse made DeAnna “A Book of Thoughts”? I LOVED “A BOOK OF THOUGHTS.” And I think Molly took a play out of Jesse’s playbook, BUT WITH AN EVEN BETTER TITLE.

THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.

Next Jason calls Melissa’s parents, and I so appreciate how he tells them “I know you aren’t comfortable with the cameras” while the cameras are in fact filming every word he says. And then, a black car pulls up, and I AM SO DELIGHTED by the sight of DeAnna Pappas that I have chills. Or maybe that’s just the fever. But let’s forget all that and please consider the following question: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS SHE WEARING? Is she now selling real estate in New Zealand? Is that why she has on a business suit?

DeAnna tells Jason that she should have looked farther down the road than “fun,” and she tells him not to follow his heart but to lead it. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I really don’t care because I’m so puzzled by her jacket. Is it shantung? Is it taffeta? The mind boggles.

Jason picks out a ring and then stands on his balcony and tries to make up his mind. I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t help but think “CAREFUL! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, CAREFUL!” when he’s holding that ring so close to a two-story drop off. MIND THE DIAMONDS, YOUNG JASON. MIND THE DIAMONDS.

Then Molly and Melissa put on their prom dresses, and Jason and Ty put on their suits. I keep waiting for Jason to run crying into the glass wall on the balcony, but it never happens. I can’t help but feel a sense of disappointment, but I get over it quickly when I see that Molly is the first one out of the limousine which, as we all know, is Bachelor Doom (except for that one season where they faked us out, but that is water under the reality television bridge at this point). Jason tells Molly that he has to let her go, and she tells him that he’s made a mistake – a big one.

Then her eyes turn into daggers of fire and all of New Zealand goes up in flames.

Molly leaves, Jason cries, and we finally see the balcony scene. He seems geniunely heartbroken. Meanwhile, back in the limo, Molly says that Jason has made a mistake about five times, and she doesn’t blink at all. I am frightened.

Melissa arrives and looks like she wants to throw up a little bit. Jason tells her that he’s in love with her, and I just appreciate so much that she screams when he goes down on one knee. Then he gives her the final rose, she’s the happiest girl in the world, he’s the happiest man in the universe, Ty runs out to see them and they live happily ever after.

Or do they?

We jump straight to “After The Final Rose,” and we immediately find out that Something Is Awry. Jason says that he and Melissa aren’t right for each other. And not only that: he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Molly.

I AM NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Because let me tell you something: it is double-dead-dog wrong for a man to go on national television and blindside his fiancee’ with the news that he’s breaking up with her. Double-dead-dog wrong. YOU CAN’T DELIVER THAT KIND OF NEWS IN PRIVATE? So Jason gives Melissa the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line, and she makes no bones about how angry she is at him. She hands him the engagement ring, and I’M SORRY, THE LEAST HE COULD DO IS TO TELL HER TO KEEP IT.

(I can’t even get over what a train wreck this is.)

(Because this is a train wreck of epic, gigantor proportions.)

(And I feel like I shouldn’t be watching because it’s all so deeply personal but yet I cannot turn away.)

Chris leaves the set to give them a moment to themselves (with the cameras rolling, of course), and Melissa tells Jason to leave her alone. She storms off, Jason cries some more, and something deep down inside me thinks that Jason might have some issues he needs to address before he asks Molly to give it a go.

Melissa is far more gracious than she should be when she’s in the limo, and Jason continues to cry back in the studio. Chris walks back in and says it’s time for Molly. I sit right here in my living room and wonder if it’s okay to be watching this, HOW CAN I BE WATCHING THIS, THESE PEOPLE MUST BE ROBOTS AND CLEARLY WE’RE ALL BEING PUNK’D. So Molly goes through the whole I-still-have-some-questions-for-him / I-still-have-feelings-for-him scenario with Chris, and Jason comes back out and after about two minutes Jason tells her that he’s ended things with Melissa and could they maybe have another chance and maybe GO OUT FOR COFFEE OR A DRINK SOMETIME.

REALLY? COFFEE OR A DRINK? BECAUSE SIX WEEKS AGO SHE WAS RUBBING YOU DOWN WITH MASSAGE OIL AND NOW YOU WANT TO GET SOME COFFEE?

Then Jason says that he doesn’t want to live his life with regrets and that “all we have is today, and when I think about living in the moment, it’s with you.”

(I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING IF MOLLY WOULD HIT HIM WITH A PILLOW RIGHT NOW. JUST HIT HIM WITH A BIG OLE PILLOW. But instead she’s holding his hand. And then they kiss and THIS ALL SEEMS SO INAPPROPRIATE.)

Chris brings everybody back to “reality” by pointing out that America is watching this, and America is floored. Jason acknowledges that what has happened “isn’t the classiest or coolest thing” (YA THINK?), but then he tells Molly that he’s still falling in love with her and it will never stop. Then they kiss and hug some more.

(I need some more Advil.)

Cue soaring music.

Couple exits stage right.

And scene.