Archives for May 2009

Y’all see that title up there?

I didn’t make that up, people.

You can thank The Bachelorette‘s Jake the Commercial Pilot for that little preshus prize. And I am not one stitch kidding when I tell you that when he said those words (which were followed by “that could quite possibly turn into marriage”), I was so overcome by the combination of parallel structure and TOO MUCH JILLIAN-RELATED EMOTION TOO SOON that I had to pause the DVR, take a deep, cleansing breath and applaud.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll get back to Jakey in just a minute.

On tonight’s episode there were three dates – two group and one individual. And if a bachelor got a rose on a date, not only was he safe – he got to move to the mansion where Jillian is staying. However, I had a hard time concentrating on the logistics of it all because for the first five minutes of the show I felt a little creeped out by the guy who’s obsessed with feet and who also seems to enjoy wearing tank tops.

The first group date was a pool party at Jillian’s house. There was the obligatory pool volleyball game, and afterwards Michael the break dance guy came on way too strong and scared me. Then Jillian pulled a SHOCKING BACHELORETTE FAKE-OUT by grabbing the rose, hopping in a Mini Cooper, leaving the party and challenging the guys to a scavenger hunt. It was a beautiful tactic, mainly because it provided Chris Harrison with the opportunity to tell the guys that “the race for Jillian’s heart is on.”

I’m telling you: these Bachelorette people will do absolutely anything for the sake of a pun.

The guys had to complete a series of challenges in their race to find Jillian, and I got a huge kick out of the fact that all the tough manly men were racing shirtless around the streets of Los Angeles in a convoy of Mini Coopers. Perfect. I don’t know why it took them so long to figure out that Jillian was locked in a bank vault (DUH) with some precious jewels (why? because SHE IS A TREASURE, that’s why), and after Wes the Country Singer and Brad found her first, she decided to have dinner with Wes the Country Singer inside the aforementioned bank vault.

I couldn’t help but think that the world is just jam-packed with crazy coincidences because that is EXACTLY where my husband and I went on our first date.

What? Didn’t y’all?

So Jillian gave Wes a rose, and the other guys on the group date were mortified because they think Wes isn’t really interested in Jillian – they think he’s just there to further his country music career. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but if it is in fact Wes’ strategy, he might want to re-think it. I mean, as we all know, countless successful recording careers have been born out of a short-lived stint on a reality dating show. Kudos, Wes.

Or as Ramona on The Real Housewives of New York City might say (and as Melanie and I now say almost daily): Kudoos.

The individual date went to Jake, who is to be congratulated for employing some of the cheesiest first date techniques I’ve ever had the sweet privilege to witness. When he and Jillian went to a western wear shop, he changed shirts in the dressing room with the door open (the better to see his six-pack, my dear). There was a brief attempt at dirty dancing while wearing some sort of sheepskin vest, and then he threw down the “soulmate” gauntlet a full hour into their date. Jake also called Jillian “Jilli,” swept in to bite off her mouth kiss her in the middle of a sentence (oh, I think he may have picked up some moves from the Lifetime Movie Network – or at the very least a romantic comedy starring the lovely Ms. Sandra Bullock), and basically tried so hard to impress Jillian that I felt like the Bachelor producers should give him a medal for his uncomfortably over-the-top, rose-winning efforts. Kudoos, Jake!

And then Martina McBride sang!

The last group date started off with a basketball game, and all of America wept for Simon, the soccer player from England (Simon throws a mean air ball). After a few minutes of hoops action the Harlem Globetrotters came out to play (OF COURSE THEY DID). The Globetrotters picked David as the best guy for Jillian, Juan seethed, and Mike ran into the ocean wearing nothing but a Speedo. Jillian and the guys went to a hotel for dinner, and after some drinks, Jillian talked to Juan, made out with Kiptyn (you will never convince me that he didn’t make up that name) and gave the rose to Mike. She also said “wicked” and “aboot.” So score.

Finally it was time for the cocktail party, where Tanner P. made a beeline for Jillian’s feet. He actually grabbed her foot and HELD ONTO IT, and in the words of Liz Lemon, “That’s a deal-breaker, ladies!” Then a sweet guy named Robby – who didn’t have a date at all – made Jillian a drink called The Robsmo (I would normally be all over this but am letting it go because bless his heart, he was just trying to make an impression), sat down to get to know her better, and was interrupted within about two seconds by Wes the Country Singer, who not only had a date with Jillian – he already had a rose, for pete’s sake.

I think Wes the Country Singer is bad news. And maybe skipped a night or ten of his Manners 101 class.

After the Robby / Wes debacle, Chris Harrison brought out a black box (in addition to puns, the producers also enjoy symbolism) so that the guys could vote for the one bachelor who they thought should go home – but the guys with roses were exempt. Juan got the most votes, but Jillian saved him with a rose. By the way, I can’t even talk about what Brian did by the pool, so I’m just pretending that it didn’t happen TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

I was tickled to see that despite Wes the Country Singer’s interruption, Robby still got a rose (bless his heart). Simon the Wicked Airballer didn’t get a rose, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, Brian didn’t receive one, either (say it with me: that pool stunt WAS A DEAL-BREAKER, LADIES). Julien and Mathue were the other two to go, but I have no idea why.

Or as Julien and Mathue might say: eye halfve know eyedeah wahigh.

Seriously, people. This season’s tricky name spellings are way out of hand.

Look out, Kiptyn.