I Really Think That There Is A Spark That Quite Possibly Turn Into A Flame That Could Quite Possibly Turn Into Love

Y’all see that title up there?

I didn’t make that up, people.

You can thank The Bachelorette‘s Jake the Commercial Pilot for that little preshus prize. And I am not one stitch kidding when I tell you that when he said those words (which were followed by “that could quite possibly turn into marriage”), I was so overcome by the combination of parallel structure and TOO MUCH JILLIAN-RELATED EMOTION TOO SOON that I had to pause the DVR, take a deep, cleansing breath and applaud.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll get back to Jakey in just a minute.

On tonight’s episode there were three dates – two group and one individual. And if a bachelor got a rose on a date, not only was he safe – he got to move to the mansion where Jillian is staying. However, I had a hard time concentrating on the logistics of it all because for the first five minutes of the show I felt a little creeped out by the guy who’s obsessed with feet and who also seems to enjoy wearing tank tops.

The first group date was a pool party at Jillian’s house. There was the obligatory pool volleyball game, and afterwards Michael the break dance guy came on way too strong and scared me. Then Jillian pulled a SHOCKING BACHELORETTE FAKE-OUT by grabbing the rose, hopping in a Mini Cooper, leaving the party and challenging the guys to a scavenger hunt. It was a beautiful tactic, mainly because it provided Chris Harrison with the opportunity to tell the guys that “the race for Jillian’s heart is on.”

I’m telling you: these Bachelorette people will do absolutely anything for the sake of a pun.

The guys had to complete a series of challenges in their race to find Jillian, and I got a huge kick out of the fact that all the tough manly men were racing shirtless around the streets of Los Angeles in a convoy of Mini Coopers. Perfect. I don’t know why it took them so long to figure out that Jillian was locked in a bank vault (DUH) with some precious jewels (why? because SHE IS A TREASURE, that’s why), and after Wes the Country Singer and Brad found her first, she decided to have dinner with Wes the Country Singer inside the aforementioned bank vault.

I couldn’t help but think that the world is just jam-packed with crazy coincidences because that is EXACTLY where my husband and I went on our first date.

What? Didn’t y’all?

So Jillian gave Wes a rose, and the other guys on the group date were mortified because they think Wes isn’t really interested in Jillian – they think he’s just there to further his country music career. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but if it is in fact Wes’ strategy, he might want to re-think it. I mean, as we all know, countless successful recording careers have been born out of a short-lived stint on a reality dating show. Kudos, Wes.

Or as Ramona on The Real Housewives of New York City might say (and as Melanie and I now say almost daily): Kudoos.

The individual date went to Jake, who is to be congratulated for employing some of the cheesiest first date techniques I’ve ever had the sweet privilege to witness. When he and Jillian went to a western wear shop, he changed shirts in the dressing room with the door open (the better to see his six-pack, my dear). There was a brief attempt at dirty dancing while wearing some sort of sheepskin vest, and then he threw down the “soulmate” gauntlet a full hour into their date. Jake also called Jillian “Jilli,” swept in to bite off her mouth kiss her in the middle of a sentence (oh, I think he may have picked up some moves from the Lifetime Movie Network – or at the very least a romantic comedy starring the lovely Ms. Sandra Bullock), and basically tried so hard to impress Jillian that I felt like the Bachelor producers should give him a medal for his uncomfortably over-the-top, rose-winning efforts. Kudoos, Jake!

And then Martina McBride sang!

The last group date started off with a basketball game, and all of America wept for Simon, the soccer player from England (Simon throws a mean air ball). After a few minutes of hoops action the Harlem Globetrotters came out to play (OF COURSE THEY DID). The Globetrotters picked David as the best guy for Jillian, Juan seethed, and Mike ran into the ocean wearing nothing but a Speedo. Jillian and the guys went to a hotel for dinner, and after some drinks, Jillian talked to Juan, made out with Kiptyn (you will never convince me that he didn’t make up that name) and gave the rose to Mike. She also said “wicked” and “aboot.” So score.

Finally it was time for the cocktail party, where Tanner P. made a beeline for Jillian’s feet. He actually grabbed her foot and HELD ONTO IT, and in the words of Liz Lemon, “That’s a deal-breaker, ladies!” Then a sweet guy named Robby – who didn’t have a date at all – made Jillian a drink called The Robsmo (I would normally be all over this but am letting it go because bless his heart, he was just trying to make an impression), sat down to get to know her better, and was interrupted within about two seconds by Wes the Country Singer, who not only had a date with Jillian – he already had a rose, for pete’s sake.

I think Wes the Country Singer is bad news. And maybe skipped a night or ten of his Manners 101 class.

After the Robby / Wes debacle, Chris Harrison brought out a black box (in addition to puns, the producers also enjoy symbolism) so that the guys could vote for the one bachelor who they thought should go home – but the guys with roses were exempt. Juan got the most votes, but Jillian saved him with a rose. By the way, I can’t even talk about what Brian did by the pool, so I’m just pretending that it didn’t happen TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

I was tickled to see that despite Wes the Country Singer’s interruption, Robby still got a rose (bless his heart). Simon the Wicked Airballer didn’t get a rose, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, Brian didn’t receive one, either (say it with me: that pool stunt WAS A DEAL-BREAKER, LADIES). Julien and Mathue were the other two to go, but I have no idea why.

Or as Julien and Mathue might say: eye halfve know eyedeah wahigh.

Seriously, people. This season’s tricky name spellings are way out of hand.

Look out, Kiptyn.

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Comments

  1. for some of us you are all the bachelor we get. or maybe just for me. i think this is important information for you to have because when you write things like “By the way, I can’t even talk about what Brian did by the pool, so I’m just pretending that it didn’t happen TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.” it leaves some of us, or just me, to have to turn to google and now i will never again be able to think of a humpedback whale with fondness.

  2. Ok, STOP! You are seriously going to make me start watching that show now! And I so don’t watch shows like that. Baaa haaa!

    Lisa

  3. votemom says:

    nice synopsis.

    is it just me, tho, is jillian drinking way too much? dang – that girl needs to keep her wits about her!

    in fact, i thot she looked a bit, ummm, snockered, at the rose ceremony. she actually didnt look steady on her feet, and her face seemed droopy.

    we’ve got us some early kissing action too – which surprised me a bit.

    i like jake too ;o)

  4. I didn’t see what Brian did by the pool because I went to bed early but now I want to know.

    Jillian seems way different to me then she did on The Bachelor. I liked her a lot more when she was just after one guy. She’s changed.

  5. Can we please discuss the fact though, that she kept Tanner the Foot Man? I feel like he should have hit the door and Julien or Mathue been able to stick around a little longer. But we all know that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun now, don’t we?

  6. I’m glad I never started watching this season. I just couldn’t handle her saying things like “aGAIN” all the time. Besides, last night I was glued to the Jon & Kate + 8 premiere. And I nearly cried throughout the entire episode…

  7. Thanks for the play by plays of this show.
    I quit watching years ago…for moral reasons! LOL!

    Besides, it’s waaaaay funnier to hear you tell it! Love it!

  8. Crazy spellings are only going to get worse when all the Eyan’s and Breaunna’s of this generation grow up. Parents think they are being unique. *yawn*

    Sorry. Had to comment. :)

  9. OK, I so had an EF (embarrassed feeling) the entire time she was making out with Kiptyn. It was so awkward!

    I was laughing last night just thinking of what you were going to write today!!

  10. Hello shirtless hunks of burning love. (=

    In aggreement on Wes, I don’t trust him one bit, ulterior motives and all that. Despite the fact that he’s from Austin, Texas and we Texans are bred to back up or fellow statemates. Can’t do it, snake in the grass. He needs to be exposed.

    And Dave, could he blow his dislike for Juan any further out of proportion? I did enjoy the fact that he got the second highest amount of votes in the black box vote off immensely.

    I prefer the Texan hottie Jake at the moment. BUT he is thick with the velveeta. Luckily his smokin hotness combats the velveeta cheese sauce rather effectively. I enjoyed the shirtless shots immensely.

    I also like Jesse the winemaker. But not sure he would be a good deal for Jilli because as someone above mentioned she does seem to be imbibing her fair share of adult beverages.

  11. Your recaps are far better than the actual show, you know.

    I loved Juan last week, but he was a bit of a shmuck this week. As is the dude spending every waking moment hating Juan (David, maybe?)

    And most importantly, WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH IS SHE KEEPING FOOTBOY AROUND?!

  12. Thanks for the update – I was so into Jon & Kate last night that I forgot to watch. Will go set the DVR now so that I don’t miss next week.

    Just reading about Tanner P and the feet creeps me out!

  13. I was watching by flipping back and forth. I missed the good stuff I guess lol. Somehow I just cannot get into Jillian – I didn’t like her in The Bachelor either. Something about her just kinda creeps me out. Now Melissa – there was a genuine girl! Sparkly, funny, laughing and beautiful. Jillian – eek !! Do you really suppose that all of those good looking guys really think she’s the Cat’s Meow? I don’t think so. Sorry Boo Mama. But I sure do enjoy your recaps!

    Hugs,
    Marie

  14. Oh Dave…I liked him. I tried to ignore the dirty dancing move, because I liked him…but I think that the mid-sentence kiss did me in. What a CHEESE BALL!!! I’ll give him 1 more try. Since he’s from Dallas and all.

    And Wes…I like him, too. I was again, trying to ignore his “small” problems, but when he cut poor Robbie (is his name spelled normally or is it Robbye?) off to small talk with Jillian. YOU HAD 3 DAYS WITH HER…WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO SAY?!? Poor Robbie!

    I just dont know what to think about Juan. Or Dave’s hatred of Juan. Dave, I think is young w/ a too big ego. He will go soon…his ego will get the best of him.

    I guess we’ll see what happens. Can they call it the “most exciting season EVER” after the Jason drama last season?!?!?

    And, first dates in the vault with $1,000,000 necklace? DUH, didnt we all?!?

  15. So grateful for your apt and witty summations of Bachelorette – kinda looks like my household isn’t watching this year – saw first show and the girl DOES seem to drink a tad more than someone seeking true love (or Mr. Right Now -this show isn’t much about true love). I’m cheering for Jake because A. – he is from Texas B. He is from Texas and lives in the same general area in which I live and C. he has a REAL JOB –
    cannot watch another season of excessive slobber exchanging and making out with people because – well doggone you can. BUT your summaries are better than the shows anyhooo – it is aBoot time TV got a BooMaMa show!

  16. Amy in TN says:

    A pure delight! I decided not to watch the Bachelorette this time around, and now I don’t have to miss the entertainment. Thanks for your blog. It is such a fun read!

  17. I like Jake but am totally with you on Wes. He can’t go too soon.

    the whole evening made me shudder – and gag. Here’s to a better week next Monday!

  18. Merritt says:

    Oh, Soph, this is priceless. I love it!

  19. Ahh, the Bachelorette recap — my favorite part about Tuesday… well, that and Sonic Peach Tea. Anyway, on the recap — the race for Jillian was too funny.
    Tired of dude who can’t stand Juan — I mean, please.

    And the title, oh my. Jake, you are my favorite, but boy you need to back on up a little bit. You’re way too over the top — the swoop in kiss needs some work. It’s a swoop, you’re not launching an all out attack. Remember, Jake, swoop.

    And one thing that you didn’t mention in the recap — what was up with Jillian’s Vault Date dress. Can we say push up bra? The girls were sagging way too much. Made me uncomfortable for her.

    Can’t wait until next week.

  20. I watched on DVR today, it was almost too cheesey for me to take. I have to do it when my hubs is not around. He will tease me mercilessly.
    The puns, the “Bachelorette first time ever black box”, the Globetrotters, for heaven’s sake…
    It was too much. I had to FF, a lot. However, I love your play by play. I have to say what in the world was that crazy, lip biting, kiss that made me want to run screaming- AWWKKKWWAARRRDDD!
    Yuk! Not at all romantic. He was just too proud of himself for ‘making her soooo happy!’.
    Girl, if we could only watch together. It would be major.

  21. lavonda says:

    Yep, Jakey is my favorite so far.
    (why did cute quiet guy in the red shirt at the rose ceremony go home??? we hardly saw any of him, and he seemed nice. or I missed something?)

    Anyways…
    does anyone else besides me think that Jillian looks a little kind of like our own Lisa (you know, the one married to the preacher :) )? Lisa’s waaay prettier if you ask me, but doggone, they do resemble each other here and there! Too bad Lisa’s not watchin… she may have a long lost cousin out there in reality tv land!

  22. Oh.My.Goodness.

    I just peed a little.

    I haven’t laughed so hard in years. I stinkin’ watched the show last night and your description brought tears to my eyes.

    Standing ovation, BooMama!

  23. I’m not sure about this season… I want to like it… but it’s always touch and go until they narrow the field a bit…

  24. Dear BooMama/Sophie/She Whom I’ve Grown To Adore Reading Daily: I’ve not commented before (Yes, I’m a lurker and admit to feeling creepily voyeuristic at times), but this post provided the perfect impetus to stop hiding in cyberspace. Plus, it’s just too typical of my life not to share with you. And also proves just how darlin’ life can be. The moment Ramona said “kudoos” on RHNYC I cringed—but not only because her pronunciation was so confidently incorrect; I can be gracious about that. No, I broke out in a sweat moustache because my maiden name is…(get ready for it)…CADOU. Yep. Pronounced “kudoo.” You can imagine the teasing (ie.”Ca-doo-doo”)my name provoked on the playground back in the day. Easy fodder. Thanks to Ramona, I was transported right smack-dab back to S.L. Mason Elementary School, circa 1967(I know…you weren’t even a glimmer in your Dad’s eye then). Panic-stricken, I told myself, “Oh, no one who could possibly remember that is probably watching this show…” Well, the phone began to ring before Ramona even had time to blink her crazy eyes. No ‘Hello’ was offered, only the hysterical laughter of a former classmate. (Dang that ol’ Facebook!) And so it begins. Again.

    Sophie, I admire your intelligence and love your humor–thanks so much for making me think AND laugh out loud every day! “Kudoos” to you!

  25. Man… I really wanted to write a recap/response, but what with moving apartments this weekend, never could. Maybe next week… or maybe not.

    This is the best, though. Having swarms of catty women in a house is miserable tv-watching, but having lots of men competing is pretty stinkin hilarious. Besides that, I watched with my husband, and his commentary is priceless and totally backs up the complaints of the other guys. “Dude…. he just totally broke man code…”

  26. Okay, thank you so much for sending me the link to watch online… I am now caught up and have even sucked my hubby in! Although he gets the edited version since it seems he’s not home as much as I am… ;)
    But I really like Jake the pilot and seriously, creepy foot dude has GOT to go! And I’m not a fan of Juan anymore (what’s with the whining?) and Dave is starting to annoy me with all the swearing and ripping on Juan.