Last night I was watching The Rachel Zoe Project because on days when I feel somewhat overwhelmed by various and sundry stresses in my life, I find some small degree of comfort in watching Rachel talk about how, if she ever has a baby, it would be SO MAJOR if she could wear her black vintage Chanel cape in the hospital.
Why, yes. It certainly would be major. And also quite practical.
If you’ve watched the show, you know that Rachel is almost always worked into a mental and/or emotional frenzy over life’s most pressing issues. Like, for instance, whether Cameron Diaz will get to have “a white evening gown moment” on the red carpet at the Academy Awards. Or whether Demi Moore’s Oscar dress has feathers on it.
Because FEATHERS? ARE LITERALLY A NIGHTMARE.
(Rachel enjoys some inexact usage of “literally.”)
(And she LITERALLY DIES approximately 16 times per episode.)
The whole thing is bananas.
It cracks me up when I see Rachel’s obsession about completely trivial things ratchet so far off the charts that the chart becomes completely irrelevant, but part of the reason why Rachel fascinates me so is because I recognize just a teensy bit of myself in her.
I mean, first of all there’s the obvious similarity in that we both wear a size zero.
And second of all y’all know how much I love me a good beret.
But in all seriousness, I definitely have that same tendency to get worked up over what essentially amounts to nothing. You know this, of course, because you’ve read my blog. And you’ve witnessed firsthand the number of times that I’ve shared some overly dramatic thoughts about bacon.
Not to mention that Mississippi State football and basketball oftentimes LITERALLY KILL ME DEAD.
One day last week I ran into the Walgreens because I needed to pick up a couple of packs of Wintergreen Icebreakers (I DIE FOR THEM), and while I was there I thought about my dwindling supply of Mentholatum, a product that I have used religiously for chapped lips and other ailments since childhood. And just to be clear, you should know that if I could only use one health and beauty aid for the rest of my life, it would be Mentholatum HANDS-DOWN FOR THE WIN.
I actually looked for Mentholatum in Walgreens a few months ago and decided they were out of stock when I didn’t see it on the shelf. I didn’t think too much of it and just picked up some the next time I was in the Walmarts. Walmart can always be counted on to keep Mentholatum in stock for the whopping price of $2.12 a jar, NOT THAT I’VE MEMORIZED THE PRICE OR ANYTHING.
But on this last trip to Walgreens, they still didn’t have Mentholatum. Didn’t even have a place for it on the shelves. I was discouraged, but I knew that Walmart would once again come to my rescue. After all, they have been my primary supplier of Mentholatum-related goodness for upwards of 20 years.
So Sunday night after church I ran in the Walmarts to pick up some sliced turkey (want more meaningless details? FINE. I also bought sliced roast beef, whole wheat sandwich rounds, bacon, roasted almonds, and some Cajun-style pistachio nuts that have proven to be DELICIOUS), and before I walked up to the check out I decided to swing by the pharmacy and pick up some Mentholatum. Because, you know, THEY ALWAYS HAVE IT.
But they didn’t have it. And even though there was no space for it on the shelves, I held out hope that they just needed to do a little re-stocking at the Walmarts and it would be back on the shelves sometime Monday.
ETERNAL OPTIMIST, I AM.
I didn’t make it to Walmart on Monday, but yesterday afternoon it was Destination Numero Uno on our list-o-errands. And do you know what? They still didn’t have Mentholatum. BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY NO LONGER CARRY IT.
It was all I could do not to fling myself to the floor right there in the middle of the Cold Care & Analgesics aisle. But I retained my composure, thought maybe someone was mistaken, then double-checked the lip care section just to make sure the Mentholatum hadn’t wandered over there. You never know, after all. Maybe the Vicks Vapor Rub said something unkind and the Mentholatum decided to move closer to the Carmex.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
But the Mentholatum was nowhere to be found.
I have since conducted an exhaustive search of nearby stores as well as the interweb and determined that from here on out I am going to have to 1) order Mentholatum from drugstore.com (out of stock, just FYI) 2) order Mentholatum from Amazon (it just seems wrong) or 3) order Mentholatum directly from The Mentholatum Company. I’ll keep you posted on what I decide since I’m sure you’ll lie awake at night until you’re aware of how I plan to handle this UNPRECEDENTED CRISIS in my life.
And in the meantime, if you happen to stop by a meeting of The Over-Dramatizers Club, look for Rachel and me. We’ll be wearing faux fur shrugs and sassy berets while we guzzle our venti Starbucks.
And we’ll be DYING.
There’s a new Kellogg’s $100 gift card giveaway over on my giveaways page – click on over if you’d like to enter to win!