I have been beside myself with the PMS today. BESIDE MYSELF. It’s been so bad that at one point, when I couldn’t help but overhear an absolutely absurd conversation at the library, what I wanted to do more than anything in the whole wide world was to stand on a table and scream, “CLEARLY I AM SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF CRAZY PEOPLE!!!”
Obviously I must have missed my refresher course on patience and charm this morning.
I always know when I’m in for a particularly rough run with the hormones when I start to have A LOT of opinions. And my PMS opinions aren’t just any ole opinions, mind you – they are VERY RIGHT opinions. The rightest of the right, in fact. You could seek advice from the wisest person on the planet, and after you asked your question, he or she would point at me and say, “Ask her. She has all the VERY RIGHT ANSWERS.”
That’s how right I am.
The last time the PMS was this bad, I remember telling a friend of mine that I wanted to add some verses to Proverbs 31. And I wanted those verses to say something like, “She speaks her mind with great authority; she bombards her husband with all of her VERY IMPORTANT THOUGHTS. Not even the smallest detail is beyond her control.”
You can probably see why everyone around me was somewhat relieved when that particular case of raging hormones was over. I was delightful company – oh yes I was.
Anyway, tonight I’ve decided that I’m going to try to find a few positives in the midst of my current condition. Because if I don’t? Well, I’m a little afeared that I’m going to launch an all-out attack on the leaves in the driveway. Or I’m going to hit the washing machine with a hammer if it makes that “clicky” sound ONE MORE TIME. Or I’m going to get in my car and drive down the road and wind up confronting non-suspecting diners at a local restaurant simply because I don’t much care for the way that they CHEW THEIR FOOD.
OH IT COULD HAPPEN.
So. The positives.
1. Today I bought four bags of chocolate candy (two Hershey’s Kisses, Hershey’s Miniatures and bell-shaped Reese’s that are a REVELATION) at Walgreens and didn’t feel even a little bit guilty. Because the chocolate, IT UNDERSTANDS ME.
2. If there is any sort of snack food within a four foot radius of my person, I can smack it down WITH AUTHORITY.
3. Pringles Sour Cream & Onion chips have taken on a whole new dimension of flavor. This afternoon the little man was eating some chips for a snack, and I grabbed one (okay. FINE. four.) from his bowl. After I took a bite, I opened my eyes really wide and said, “WELL THESE ARE JUST DELICIOUS!” Apparently my hormones enable me to detect subtle nuances in all the artificial flavors. My senses are on FI-IRE.
4. My bangs wouldn’t cooperate for love or money this morning. They had this weird pouf thing going on, and no matter what I did, the pouf remained. Thanks to my hormonal state, however, I HAVE NOT LET THEM BEAT ME. My whole day has been a study in taming the bangs. Never you mind that they are still in a state of rebellion. THEY HAVE MET THEIR MATCH, AND THEIR MATCH IS ME.
5. It’s been a day when I have GREATLY ENJOYED the use of CAPITAL LETTERS because they help me EXPRESS MY OPINIONS with plenty of EMPHASIS in the APPROPRIATE PLACES.
So that is all.
And I’m going to bed now.
Or I guess I should say:
I AM GOING TO BED NOW.
After I eat a just a little bit more chocolate.
Priorities, you understand.