We’ve Hit An All-Time Klassy High

Over the weekend D went to Academy Sports to pick up a couple of things for a camping trip that he and the little man have coming up in a few weeks. Camping has turned out to be one of Alex’s ALL-TIME FAVORITE THINGS EVER, and it’s a fun little twist of family irony considering my love for air conditioning and cable television and doors that can be secured with LOCKS AND BOLTS.

As tickled to pieces as I am that my fellas enjoy going camping together, I’m firm in my conviction that it’s just not my thing. After all, I am a person who cannot bear to read historical fiction because I can’t stop thinking about how blazing hot everyone must have been in all those corsets and petticoats and bonnets. And then I get all co-dependent and worried because they must have been just miserable and THEY DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A WINDOW UNIT.

Besides, I really don’t see anything even remotely romantic or idyllic about a book where a bunch of Southern belles from the 1800s show up for a festive August picnic in their finest antebellum gowns. Because really, how useful are those pretty gowns going to be when all those girls are laid out with a heat stroke fifteen minutes after their arrival?

DEHYDRATION IS RARELY GLAMOROUS, MY FRIENDS.

Also: we can herald the pluck and the grit of the whole Ingalls family until the cows come home, but that does not change the fact that Laura Ingalls had to have been BURNING SLAP UP when she ran around those pastures or fields and helped Ma whip up a hearty summertime stew. Honestly, if I were Laura Ingalls I’d have befriended Nellie Olsen at every given opportunity. Because do you know what I bet Mr. Olsen had access to by virtue of the fact that he owned a store? AN ICE BLOCK.

Here’s a loaf of homemade bread, Nellie! And your bangs look FANTASTIC this morning! Why don’t we talk about how you keep your dresses so crisp and white WHILE WE SIT ON THE ICE BLOCK?

I now have no idea what I was originally talking about.

Oh, yes. Camping. Sort of.

So D came home with his Academy purchases, and he said, “I bought a chair for Alex” as he pulled a small box from the shopping bag. I never know what to expect when my husband buys something for our house, mainly because when we first got married his favorite furniture items always required assembly and typically employed a design motif of black laminate and smoky glass panels.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

Anyway, D went on to explain that the chair he’d picked up for Alex was inflatable. He’d noticed that when the little guy has friends over and they’re watching a movie or playing the Wii, one person usually claims the bean bag and then the others sort of sprawl out on the floor. D thought it might be nice if there was one more kid-friendly seat, and I thought that sounded like a fine idea, especially since it wouldn’t be something that we’d necessarily need to keep out all the time. I pictured something about the size of those convertible chairs you find in toy departments, and I was totally on board.

Well.

Tonight before the little guy’s bedtime, D mentioned to Alex that they needed to blow up the new chair (those words do have a certain air of sophistication about them, don’t they?). I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to the process because all the air pump action was going on behind me. After about five minutes, though, D said, “I think this chair might be a little bit bigger than I originally thought,” and y’all, when I turned around, OH HAVE MERCY I AM CERTAIN THAT I GASPED AUDIBLY.

You see, it’s really not so much a chair as it is a chair and a half. Or a loveseat. It’s HUGE. And it would be fine to set up for Alex and his buddies when they need it, but I’m afeared that we would RIP IT TO SMITHEREENS if we tried to move the inflated version down the hall. It’s really best-suited for ON-SITE inflation, come to think of it.

We took a break from our chair issues for a few minutes so that we could tuck in the little guy and say prayers, and afterwards I finished cleaning up the kitchen. When I walked back in the den about twenty minutes later, I saw that my husband had found a way to incorporate the new (INFLATABLE) chair into our decor. Approximately twelve inches away from the television.

SWEET FANCY MOSES.

My eyes must have been as wide as saucers because D immediately said, “It won’t stay there forever. REALLY. Because when you need for the room to look pretty, WE CAN JUST DEFLATE IT.” And then he sat down on his inflatable throne and blew up some things on the Xbox. I had to laugh, mainly because he was so delighted by his new set-up. Plus, it’s apparent that the chair meets several of my husband’s furniture requirements. It’s portable, it has a cup holder – all that’s missing, really, is the ability to recline.

Since D was playing video games, I grabbed my laptop so that I could chronicle our recent decorative developments while I watched some HGTV in the guest room. An hour or so later I decided that I needed a little orange juice, and when I walked past the den, I immediately noticed that D didn’t leave the chair raft in front of the TV when he finished playing Xbox. I guess that’s the good news.

Here’s the bad news.

Apparently this is where we’re storing it. Or stacking it, as it were.

Clearly we’re going to have to come up with, oh, I don’t know, A DIFFERENT PLAN.

And do you know what? Despite my admitted aversion to Things Historical, I’m convinced that I know exactly how Laura Ingalls would handle this situation.

She’d pop that sucker with one of Nellie Olsen’s hair pins.

Maybe there’s something to be said for ye olden days after all.

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Comments

  1. i totally needed to read this – hilarious. now i’m off to bed. you have made my day complete.

  2. My own personal isha with the historical fiction revolves around the lack of bathing and Secret Clinical Strength that went along with the sweating in the heavy (unwashed in Gain) clothing. That is also just one of the many reasons I will never be on Survivor. And why I don’t like camping, now that I think about it. Bathhouse? No thank you.

  3. Can you please host a blog carnival in which we all show the tacky items we have in our otherwise lovely homes? Mine is a red and orange spinning egg chair from Ikea. It’s awesomeness knows no bounds.

  4. GinnyBerry says:

    Hey, he’s just a guy. I wonder if you could just let him enjoy it for a while. Take a deep breath, exhale, and smile!

    When we were first married, 35 years ago, my husband tried to store TIRES in the living room of our apartment. We had discussions, lol.

  5. I’ve never laughed harder. Guys and decor do not mix. At all. :)

  6. Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard I snorted after a really, really bad day!

  7. My idea of camping is a weekend at a Holiday Inn. Probably because the last time I camped out of doors, in a tent and all, I was 8 months pregnant with a baby that was born a few weeks later weighing ten and a half pounds! Rurnt me for camping ever again, it did.

    My husband rented a furnished apartment when he went to work for the big oil company fresh out of college. Four months later, we got married and I moved halfway across the country and into that apartment with him. The sofa was a teal brocade that had seen better days. And we had a fake leather chair that wasn’t a recliner but when you sat in it just right it reclined, oh yes it did. So, to me, your new inflatable chair, with cup holder don’t look too shabby!

  8. Um… what do you say to that?!?! Congratulations on your lovely new furniture! HA!!

  9. When you live ‘in da hood’, chairs like that are a status symbol. Don’t knock them. Of course ‘in da hood’, we deflate them another way – it’s called cleaning our guns. Maybe those historical women had way to deal with things that we have no idea about. Look how ingenious we are at getting rid of things that bother us……..

  10. 1. If everybody reeks of B.O., nobody notices.

    2. I’m seriously having to rethink my blog reading now that I know that you would befriend someone like NELLIE OLESON just for a spell on the ice block! I mean, for corn’s sake, woman, you might as well shoot Jack or Bandit while you’re at it! I know it gets hot and humid in your neck of the woods (trust me, I’ve stayed in the Panhandle in a frame house with a window unit pointed toward my great grandmother in the bowl of stew that is summertime and I wasn’t permitted to wear shorts or a t-shirt–pants and sleeves to the elbows required), but for the love of corn, you don’t befriend Nellie Oleson for an ice block. She would lock you in the ice house and leave you to die! And then we wouldn’t have anything funny to read any more what with you dead and gone.

    3. You befriend Mr. Oleson to get a safe spell on the ice block.

  11. Can I just say the my girls each received an identical chair AND ottoman (because you can’t hide money, as we say- ha!) from Nana for Christmas?

    They have completely enhanced our wii playing experience and are the best thing ever, although I might be able to say that because they are safely hidden in the recesses of the basement wii room. (Daddy’s former man cave…). As an interior designer if they were ever seen in the light of day they might destroy all hope for me of any future business.

  12. Oh my. That is quite a chair.

    On the other hand I do love to camp : ) As long as hubs does all the work I really do enjoy sleeping in a tent and dinner over a fire and seeing all the stars in the sky and the quiet and the family togetherness.

  13. Bahahahaha! I was SO not prepared for the size of the chair!!! I mean, just wait until summer when you can throw that thing in the pool and relax all day!

  14. Hilarious! But just because it isn’t in my living room :) My kids would love this though. LOVE it. And I LOVE your synopsis on historical heat situations. So true, so true.

  15. Sooo funny….how about a motorcycle in the family room??? Yup, that’s what we had…no, really, carpeted, TV, family room!!! Dad said, “It makes it easier to work on it all winter…” Plus, we actually decorated it for Christmas:) Quite the nutcase family!!
    Later you will enjoy the delightful family memories…enjoy!!

  16. Oh my word….I am cracking up….love it! Love it all….especially the Little House references.

    Thanks for the laughs on this snow day! =) (Well…it’s a snow day for me.)

  17. thanks for the laughs on the historical fiction! You always make me laugh, but that was just hysterical! You really took me back to Walnut Grove this morning.

  18. Oh mercy. We have had some times like that around here, and I now classify them as FUNNY (since they are no longer in the middle of my family room, or on my dining table, or smack dab in the middle of the entry hall) Men and boys. They have SOME GOOD IDEAS, don’t they?

  19. Congratulations. From camping, to Little House, to inflatable furniture, back to Nellie Oleson. It was like a Seinfeld-style wrap up. Most excellent. Most people would not be able to do this.

    Can you just imagine an English teacher giving that assignment? “Write a paper incorporating olden days, 70’s television, camping, and inflatable furniture.” Ha! :)

  20. You are CRACKING me up with the ice block!!!

    Nice chair. :)

  21. The good news is: it’s black and grey. If it were school bus yellow or character-themed, it would be much worse!

  22. I don’t know when something has made me this happy.

    Between my antelope and your chair, we are a classy bunch.

  23. Rachel J. says:

    Hilarious!! The chair…Laura Ingalls…the whole shi-bang! Thanks for making me smile this morning. :o)

  24. I camp, and quite enjoy it…but I made the hubs buy me a travel trailer so I can tote my bathroom and A/C along with me!

  25. My husband believes that all good things can be found at Academy, which is very much not true. I am so over the moon that he has yet to find this chair there. That is simply horrid…but your son would probably love it more than another bean bag. Perhaps it could be suspended from the ceiling in some manner? I bet they have the stuff to do that at Academy too.

  26. So funny!

  27. LOOOOOOOOOOL!!!! The only thing that could’ve made this post funnier is a picture of D sitting on that chair playing video games…so hilarious!

  28. Cracking up here in sunny florida. Thanks.

  29. I have been reading this blog since the beginning, and I just have to chime in and say this is the funniest one EVER. I was doing all sorts of snorting and wheezing, so my husband came to check on me, for fear I was having an asthma attack. When I told him it was from your blog he said, “Clearly, you need to get out more and visit some actual people that you KNOW”.

    I almost hacked up a lung. I love you and I don’t even know you! Thanks for all the crazy.

  30. You are cracking. me. up.

    I don’t know what is better….”SWEET FANCY MOSES” or “the chair raft”. ha!!!

    I can tell you that I, too, have the same thoughts about Laura Ingalls. As a girl who lives in MN–not far from the real Walnut Grove–I can tell you it does, indeed, get warm!

  31. That was so good.

  32. I am almost positive I remember an episode where someone got LOCKED IN THE ICEHOUSE on Little House. OH SNAP. I Googled it and what happened was Nancy (remember she was like The Second Coming of Nellie) locked a little girl named Belinda in the icehouse. So, anyway, the Oleson’s totally owned an icehouse.
    Can you believe I remembered that? I am just full of Little House lore…..

  33. Oh.My.Goodness. My daughter would love that chair but I’m afraid that Bruiser (our dog and yes, he’s named after the chihuahua in Legally Blonde…so what) would chew it up.

    You took me back to the early ’80’s…yes, I am that old, when you said “afeared”. My best friend in high school used to say that all the time when we were being silly. Love it!

  34. Oh Goodness… That was a good laugh!! Thanks for making my day!

  35. Jennifer Hornsby says:

    This delights my soul. :)

  36. I cannot wait to sit in that chair!!! Just a few more weeks!!

  37. I love that you are not wildernessy either!! I adore electricity, plumbing in the house and my very own bed. One that is not blown up. I praise the Lord for the time in history I am running around in! Hope your hubby and son have a great time while you sit in comfort…I am right there with you!

  38. It’s not as bad as I had pictured when you started describing it. PLUS! Imagine how much fun that bad-boy’s gonna be in the pool this summer! It has a cupholder and everything. Diet Coke on ice, good book, and the chair raft. EPIC, dude.

  39. Lynn Gibbs says:

    Hi, my name is Lynn and I’m a living historian. [Inflect with solemn tones as in a 12- step group for best effect.] The top ranking question is, “Aren’t you hot?” And the answer is “Well, yes. It’s 120 in the shade. Aren’t you?” Hoops are an amazing invention, with a guaranteed breeze up under there if you walk right and have on correct pantalettes. Hoops even fit into PortaPotties, and I can drive straight-shift while wearing all that garb. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME GLIDE! The thought of an inflatable chair while camping is tempting, but I must stick with historically correct wooden chairs while balanced on all that cotton. I don’t decorate my house with them, however. There are surely rewards for such a good wife and mother as you!

  40. I haven’t laughed out loud all day — thank you!!!!!!!

  41. This was my laugh for the day.

    That stackability? Would totally sell my husband on the whole idea. And would also drive me insane in about 0.786 seconds.

  42. I do not comment often, but that was hilarious. I have thought the same thing watching Gone with the Wind. How on earth did they live in the heat with a super tight corset?!?! Wasn’t Scarlett’s waist 18 inches? Remember Mammy tightening that thing up? I would have passed out on a cold day if I was cinched in half.
    But the chair was also hilarious. Thank you for the laughs!

  43. LOL – literally! What joy this tale has brought my heart!

  44. Kimberleigh says:

    Seriously, I think you might be one of the funniest people on planet earth!!!
    You really ought to have your own sitcom!

  45. Oh my word! I nearly hacked up a lung laughing so hard. :-) LOVE the chair – I can SO see my hubby doing the same thing.

  46. I’m with you girlfriend. I am not a friend of the heat and I am mortal enemies with the humidity. Which is really bad because I live in West Virginia where the heat never shows up to the party without its BFF, the humidity. I am at my best when the temperature is about 75 degrees. Otherwise I lose all control of my faculties and begin to whine and moan about SWEATING AND BEING MISERABLE. I enjoyed this post, though I coughed myself silly because I am recovering from the Great Bronchitus crap of 2011and laughing only seems to worsen my condition. Still I love the chair. =)

  47. sweet mercy, my side is hurting and tears are running down my face, i have laughed so hard! Thank you — it feels so good to laugh like that! :)

  48. A gem of a post Boo Mama — a GEM!! Still laughing!!

  49. Hilarious! So my hubs! Love the laminate things you put together with the smoke glass. My degree is in interior design, so you can imagine my shock of a first date at my hubs home when I saw that his “sofa” was really a futon. Oh, but it was a fancy futon…you know, the ones with real wooden frames, rather than hollow black pipes. I have since told him that futon almost ended our blossoming relationship. What is it with men and their horrible furniture choices?!

  50. I have to say – I look forward to reading your posts so much. This one had me laughing so much that my husband came to check on me to find out what was so funny.
    Great post :)

  51. While I don’t have a large, inflatable chair in my living room, I do have free weights and a large yoga ball.

  52. SOOOOOOOOO funny!!!!!!!!! HA!

  53. get thee to Target for some foldable game chairs for the boys. I actually have some for when I host bookclub and some of the ladies want to sit on the floor by the fire.

  54. Wow, imagine the joy you will feel when that baby goes to the Goodwill. I’m putting money on it arriving there by July 4, 2010. Really, do you think it will stay hole-free past then?

  55. Katie Harrison says:

    Lordy, lordy, when a good ‘ole belly laugh is needed……I know where to go!! Could’uv been any better! katie

  56. I can totally out klass you. My husband is a grocery manager for Publix. When vendors leave items from their displays at the store, he sometimes feels the need to bring them home to our kids. I was once the proud owner of a clear plastic blow up chair with the emblem of one of the beer companies printed all over it. We’re not talking a little kiddie chair either. It was big enough for my husband and me to sit in together. Sadly, it suffered a puncture wound and had to be put out of my (I mean it’s) misery!

  57. I can feel your pain…….my DH and sons would run right out and buy one if they saw this post. We currently cannot use our coffee table because it interferes with the Kinect. I can only imagine what the addition of three of those chairs would do to my living room. Maybe a room addition could be justified. In that case, I would be on board. You brighten my day. Thanks for being so fun.