The Fashion Crazies

A little over a year ago Melanie and I signed up or signed on or agreed or whatever you want to call it to be the emcees for a new women’s event called .MOM (pronounced “dot mom”). It’s September 23-24 here in Birmingham – and up until recently, it’s been far enough away that I haven’t had to think about it very much.

(If that last sentence sounds like I might be just a wee bit terrified about the whole thing, it should. Because I am.)

(And last summer I almost called our friend Paige – who’s coordinating .MOM – about 16 different times to tell her that I’d changed my mind and therefore would not be able to participate.)

(I thought that saying the word “therefore” in my excuse would make it sound very official.)

(But one day in the car, when I was *thisclose* to calling Paige, the little man piped up from the backseat and said, “Mama, did you know it’s a sin to shrink back?”)

(And I said, “What?”)

(And he said, “It’s a sin. To shrink back. It’s in this book I’m reading.”)

(And I said, “WELL, FINE.”)

(And then I said, “What are you reading back there? HEBREWS?)

Anyway, now it’s (almost) July, and .MOM is sort of right around the corner, and in just a couple of weeks Mel and I have to go to Nashville for some meetings and pow-wows and whathaveyous about the (FINGERS CROSSED) witty banter for which we are responsible. And we also have to film some video.

VIDEO.

VIDEO.

VIDEO.

Oh, I could type it A THOUSAND TIMES and that still wouldn’t equal the number of times that word echoed in my head yesterday.

Because listen: the prospect of VIDEO is a tough one for a girl whose preference for behind-the-scenes is STRONG.

STRONNNNNNNNNG.

So, given all of that, I spent a chunk of yesterday looking for clothes that might work for the video. Keep in mind that I don’t have the faintest idea what works for video, but I figured that if I could find something that made me feel sort of cute then that was probably a good sign. Since I already have a fairly decent assortment of Maude-type apparel, I feel good about my layering options, but I really wanted to find a couple of pretty, feminine tops, some new jeans and a cute pair of wedges.

NO PRESSURE.

Needless to say, Steinmart(s) was my first shopping stop. The first few things I tried on reminded me that there’s a fine line between embellished and Bedazzled, but in the end, Steinmart came through with some decidedly un-Bedazzled tops. I really do think that the Steinmart that’s closest to our house is the greatest Steinmart in all the land.

I also found a couple of things at Kohl’s, but sometimes shopping at Kohl’s stresses me out because there’s the “retail” price and then the sale price and then the Power Price and then the extra 10% off that you get if you stand in front of a cashier and do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around. Our Kohl’s was advertising an extra $10 off a purchase of $50 or more, and after the check-out girl rang up my stuff, I kept waiting to see an additional $10 come off my total. But then she explained that the extra $10 was in the form of Kohl’s Cash, and I could use my Kohl’s Cash the next time I was in the store and, you know, buying more stuff.

This is an excellent illustration of D’s theory that people can spend a fortune trying to save money.

I tried on a few pairs of jeans, but I didn’t have much luck. I found a pair at Steinmart that fit pretty well in the legs but created a muffin top so magnificent that I was tempted to christen it with a name. Honestly, I would have been horrified if I hadn’t been so tickled. I should have known not to try them on; they were low-rise jeans, and low-rise jeans are the enemy of those of us who are shaped like apples. I’m a classic-rise girl. I need to embrace that.

The search for jeans will continue this weekend, I reckon. I’m ordering a couple of pairs that I found online, but since they won’t be here until next week, maybe I’ll discover Jeans Magic in the meantime.

Jeans Magic is a wonderful thing, isn’t it? So hard to find, but so glorious once you get there. And a good pair of jeans – well, I can’t help but think that they’ll make the whole VIDEO thing a little less daunting.

And now that I have my permanent crown, at least I no longer have to worry about my misplaced tooth.

This is, I feel, a step in the right direction.
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I just posted a new $100 Visa gift card giveaway. The $100 Best Buy gift card giveaway ends today at 3pm central time.

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Comments

  1. This sounds like great fun! You and Melanie will be hilarious. I work in video production, and we always ask people we are filming to not wear small patterns (especially stripes) or white. Other than that, you won’t go wrong. Best of luck!

  2. Hmmm. Naming my muffin top after my 3 kids and Blue Bell ice cream sounds like a fine plan.

    I will see you at .Mom with my .Mama. Already got my hotel reservations and everything! Good luck with the jeans!

  3. I feel like I should be sitting beside you holding your hand and patting you on the leg. From one apple girl to another, I totally love ya.

    Let’s do lunch.

  4. I would LOVE to come to that event! Not sure how long of a roadtrip that would make for me in North Louisiana, but I would love to give it a whirl! I can’t even imagine how funny you would be in person seeing how hilarious your writing is. Some days I can hardly catch my breath. Thank you for that :)

  5. I love your Kohl’s discount/sale/power price description! The hokey-pokey part especially.

    My mama’s friend once teased me when I said I could pinch an inch on my waistline. (You remember “Thanks to the K, you can’t pinch an inch on me!”?) Anyway, she said, “Well, honey, come grab a slab!” Now that I’m almost 20 years older I know exactly what she means. Exactly.

  6. Jessica S. says:

    I am a stylist at unnamed fancy pants retailer in Dallas and I might be able to suggest some things for you to try. Now, you just read that sentence and thought two things. A. I cannot afford her suggestions because she works at a fancy pants retailer. B. She’s a skinny minny who doesn’t know how to dress an apple. Wrong on both counts. I love to bargain shop as much as any other girl and I don’t think I’ve ever been described as skinny in my whole life. E-mail me if you want to discuss some ideas!

  7. One word for you — from one apple girl to another — SPANX! It helps me trim down my CORE (HAHAHAHAHA!)
    And you will look adorable even if you don’t have magic jeans!

  8. My husband would completely agree with the whole “people spend a fortune trying to save money” theory. Every time I leave Kohl’s or JC Penney and tell him how much I saved, he says, “Yes, but how much did you SPEND?”

    Two words for your jeans problem: Pajama Jeans.

    Just kidding. :)

  9. Boo Mama~ your blog just lights up may day and makes me chuckle! As far as the video…feel the fear and do it anyway! It will be great…you will be great. And at least you won’t be alone. Melanie will be right beside you.

  10. Is this event at Dawson Baptist church in Homewood? That’s my home church! Too cool.. Good luck with your wardrobe woes..

  11. I giggled at the “what are you reading–Hebrews?!” comment. What WAS he reading!? Good jeans will make it all better. And also, you are a delight so it will be fine!

  12. I love the idea of you and Melanie emceeing (is that a word?) an event and the thought of seeing you two in a video? It brings JOY TO MY HEART.

  13. Ok, as one who has a little “junk in the trunk” and a small(ish) waist above it…jeans shopping has got to be the closest thing to Hades I’ve been (except, perhaps SWIMSUIT shopping). Three kids and 45 years have certainly done their share of damage to my cute figure. However, I have recently discovered a brand that I can feel comfortable in…and quite affordable, as well. Bandolinoblue…available at Bealls/palais royale, etc.

  14. AHHHHH You don’t know how tempted I am to go now! I will have just moved to Birmingham (for school – Samford) and the speakers for the even are just so good. A family friend, Jackie Kendall, is speaking and I LOVE hearing her speak. But I looked at the topics and they’re all so….mom-i-fied. Which I mean, it’s called .MOM and I wouldn’t belong there anyways…but still I just want to sneak myself in. If you talk to important behind-the-scenes people that need any help whatsoever setting up or whathaveyou, let me know!!!

  15. I found Jeans Magic over here at Hudson’s (not for the faint of heart, I find, btw). They were normally $100 name-brand jeans, but I got them for, like, $10!!. LOVE ‘EM! Well, at least I did… not sure I’ll get my heiny back into them ever again after I have this little one. I’ll still admire them though.

    And low-rise are of the devil no matter what your shape.. too much bum-cleavage.

  16. Terrie Cash says:

    I tried to google .mom and came up with nothin. BooMama, could you be so kind as to enlighten us where we can find information on attending this event. I would love to grab a few of my girlfriends and head up to Birmingham for girls getaway. If you speak they way you write, I will be sure to pack a few extra depends in the suitcase so I won’t embarrass myself.

    Please, please, pretty please,(yes, I am begging), either send me the info or post it.

  17. P.S. I’m thinking about trekking over to the Ham to see ya’ll when Holly gets there. I just don’t think she can come that close and me not come hug her precious neck. Any, any, any chance we could get a dinner together? I know that ya’ll are going to be slap covered-up, though, so if it won’t work, I pinky-swear not to be bummed. <3

  18. shelley in cali, sister to Amy in Italia says:

    Oh how I wish my dear sister and I could meet in ‘the middle’ (between her Italy and my California mountains) to hang with you and your Melanie at this event We’ve listened to so many podcasts ‘together’ of late, it’s as if we have two new best friends….sigh…perhaps someday. Enjoy that jean hunting!

  19. I hear the pajama jean is sweeping the nation right now. It’s worth a look-see- even if only for the jokes!

  20. Well I hope you are blessed by the fact that you made my WHOLE insane day ‘o stress better with this laugh. {NOT at you, of course. Not at all at you.} So glad you got your new tooth. Wishing and hoping and praying and {Okay, now I’m singing that song from My Best Friend’s Wedding} that you find just the PER-FECTTT pair of jeans and blouse and wedges. And especially that you wear said new clothing with all the sass that is you!!! Just BRANG it to that .MOM!!! You can do this!!

  21. Oh my gosh! I just snorted my sweet tea up my nose from laughing so hard! And girl, I don’t just have a muffin top, I’ve got the whole dingdang CAKE top! Just spread some icing on me and call it done! Good luck on your jean quest and just keep being you and you’ll do just fine up there! :)
    Amy in Austin, TX

  22. JennyJoT says:

    BooMama, I just LOVE you! God bless.

  23. Two words:

    Pajama.
    Jeans.

    ;)

  24. Oh, my goodness! I wish that I had read this earlier today. I’ve had such a stressful day and just maybe I would have approached everything differently. A good laugh from your perspective is truly good for the soul. Hubs is asleep. So, I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out LOUD. The HEBREWS and Maude-type apparel nearly did me in! I love you to pieces, lady! You are a jewel :)

  25. Amy in Italy sister to Shelley in Cali says:

    From one classic rise girl to another (sister go the hips)…what are these “magic jeans” of which you speak?!?!?

  26. Amy in Italy sister to Shelley in Cali says:

    *got

  27. LOVE the kohls reference! I find myself spending to get to some illustrious goal of getting money off or getting free shipping or whatever!! So annoying when you turn around and realize what you’ve just done!
    I’m sure you’ve already read this, but it seems fitting to pass on the BEST jeans post ever from Rachel about Mom Jeans and the dreaded long butt… http://www.graspingforobjectivity.com/2009/03/mom-jeans-and-dreaded-long-butt.html The before and after pictures of her mom and the difference pockets on jeans make blew my mind! :) It’s hilarious!

  28. Do share your fashion finds! I have found myself, sadly, turned into the frump of the universe due to the fact that my manageable muffin top has supersized itself and now surpasses even the Costco-sized muffins, yea even unto the ends of the hips so that now I have officially become the old lady whose porky thighs are dwarfed by her apple shape gone awry – the Mrs. Potato Head of the cottage-cheese-covered thigh world. I look at Melanie’s Fashion Friday links for my DAUGHTER now, for crying out loud. So anybody with the least bit of muffin challenge who is successfully finding clothes anywhere – share, Sophie, share!

  29. Boo, you got this!!! Pray to the LORD who is God over your wardrobe and ask Him to lead you to thy perfect outfit(s)!!! He will do it!! Every time I ask Him for help in this department, He always blows me away and puts things together that I wouldn’t have thought of. That way He knows that I will give HIM the glory! He IS your wardrobe consultant as He KNOWS what works for every body type! Love, joy and mocha frappes’, Dana