Plague-y

On the off chance that you’re keeping score at home, you may have noticed that I’ve been dealing with a higher than average number of mild health-related annoyances. Nothing serious, mind you – just, well, aggravating. And a wee bit funny. So, just for kicks and giggles, I thought we’d run through a list of the odd maladies with which I have been afflicted in the last three weeks. This is going to be some RIVETING CONTENT, my friends, so pull up a chair and sit a spell. It’s time to TALK ABOUT SOME AILMENTS.

Here’s my list. Giddy up.

1. A skin condition flare-up. My husband assures me that I don’t need to go into details with this one, and that’s precisely why I’m leaving out the specifics. But it happened the week of .MOM. At the time I told Melanie that while I had known to expect a little opposition from the enemy since I was stepping way outside my comfort zone, I certainly wasn’t expecting anything with such a Job-like flair. But yes. Icky skin stuff. NOW THE INTERNET KNOWS.

(It’s much better now, in case you’re wondering. And even though I’ve overshared, I do hope that you’ll still be able to look me in the eye should we ever meet in person.)

2. A sciatic nerve issue. Honestly, I don’t know whether the skin troubles or the sciatic nerve troubles would win in some sort of Mamaw Medical Olympics, but I’m thinking that the sciatic nerve stuff gets a slight edge because it results in some hobbling and possibly even the use of a cane.

3. An unfortunate incident with some tricky shoes that resulted in me falling down WHILE SEEMINGLY WALKING NORMALLY and landing on my left knee and then catching myself with my hands and then being helped to my feet by a kind young man who was trying to do the right thing by checking on me but I could tell that he wanted to laugh because, hello, I FELL RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Said incident was remedied by retiring to the nearest restroom so that I could cry in private and then pretend like I was totally fine even though my knee looked like I was a four year-old who took a really nasty turn on her Big Wheel.

4. A crazy bout of jaw and facial pain. Like can’t-possibly-take-enough-Excedrin-Migraine jaw and facial pain. That’s actually why I went to the doctor last week. But as it turned out, the doctor said my trouble was what I initially suspected…

5. A sinus infection. Really, a sinus infection seems so bland and run-of-the-mill in the midst of all the falling and sciatic-ing and whathaveyou. But it’s been an easy fix. And for that I am grateful.

6. An unhappy wisdom tooth. Please see #4. Because when the crazy jaw and facial pain didn’t disappear after I started the antibiotic, I consulted my dentist. And the dentist said, “WHOA, NELLIE, THAT WISDOM TOOTH HAS TO GO.”

(My dentist didn’t really say, “Whoa, Nellie.”)

(But wouldn’t it have been great if he had?)

Anyway, getting rid of that wisdom tooth is gonna be my big happy fun time next week. I just keep reminding myself that I’d rather get ‘er done now than for that tooth to revolt on me while I’m in Ecuador. I do not want to have to VOY AL MEDICO EN ECUADOR.

And then, Sunday morning, I had the sweet privilege of encountering what I hope will be the final chapter of this illustrious I’ve-gone-all-to-pieces epistle:

7. A stomach virus. Oh, I’m not kidding. I was in church (by myself, no less), all ready to hear sweet Katie Davis share her story, and I started to feel decidedly not at all normal. I squirmed and fidgeted and tried to pretend that I wasn’t increasingly nauseated, but nothing worked. Once the cold sweats started, I decided I’d better make a move, so I quickly got up from my seat, walked out of the sanctuary and was so taken aback by how weak in the knees I was that I darted into the nearest hallway and SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR OF AN EMPTY SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM.

Oh, yes ma’am. Just keepin’ it klassy at Brook Hills.

And I’ll tell you what: I was not at all – NOT AT ALL – optimistic about making it out of that Sunday School room without throwing up first. But after about five minutes, I heard a still, small voice say something along the lines of “IT’S NOW OR NEVER, SISTER.” I stood up, walked as quickly as I could to the little man’s Sunday School room, told him we were gonna head home a little early and then skedaddled to our car POSTHASTE.

The good news is that we made it home safely.

The bad news is that it was not my favorite afternoon of all time.

Once the worst was over, though, I slept and slept and slept and slept and slept and slept some more. Today I have continued the sleeping trend. I have also watched about twelve episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, which may well be the most perfect sick day TV show ever. It’s not hard to follow, there are pretty dresses, Randy’s voice is oddly soothing, and if you doze off and miss about 15 minutes, you can pick up right where you left off even if there’s a different bride on the screen.

Anyway, I’m all better now. Rested. Good as new (except for that pesky wisdom tooth). However, I would like to point out the sweet, sweet irony of my list considering that I’ve been trying to exercise pretty regularly on the elliptical motion machine/elliptical/ellip and have gradually cut out all post-lunch caffeine. Which means that I have one cup of coffee and one Diet Coke a day. Which means that I no longer drink Diet Coke all day long. Which means that I HARDLY KNOW MYSELF ANYMORE.

So there you have it. I have now written a whole post about all the many ways I’m falling apart. It’s like the internet is my Mamaw Davis’ kitchen, and I’ve turned into my Aunt Myrt and feel compelled to share Here’s What’s Not Working while I drink my morning coffee.

My ONE CUP of coffee, mind you. JUST ONE. ONLY ONE. BARELY EVEN A TEASPOON OF CAFFEINE.

It’s been a crazy three weeks. Fingers crossed that there’s a little patch of boring on the horizon.

That would be so nice.

Love,
Mamaw

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Comments

  1. Sophie, Welcome to your 60’s! They are exactly like that…something new on the medical horizon every day! You never know what’s going to flair up next!! Seriously, I hope you get that wisdom tooth taken care of and you feel just great before the BIG ADVENTURE! I am praying already for you, Kelly, Melanie, Angie, Amanda and all the other sweet girls! (Especially praying about that little boat trip down the Amazon! You will have life preservers, right???)
    Blessings!

  2. Wow. I am glad you are feeling much better!!

  3. Oh, I’m so sad that you had to miss Katie and that you felt so awful!! If it makes you feel any better, my sciatic nerve has been ENFLAMED for most of the day. I asked people for advice on Facebook tonight, and they were incredibly helpful (check out my wall for tips). The bad news? Apparently, I need to work on my STOMACH MUSCLES. Ugh. Really? And I tried the tennis ball trick someone suggested (except with a baseball), and I got some relief for the first time all day. Praise Jesus!

    And my other physical issue is something the internet doesn’t need to know about (although I’ve blogged about it before, embarrassingly).

    Love you and praying you’re all healed up soon!! xoxoxo!

  4. So glad you’re feeling better. Was thinking of you all day today. If you ever need Phenergen on the weekend, give me a buzz. I keep it handy. ;-)

  5. So glad to hear you are a wee bit perkier. And I just bet that ole wisdom tooth extraction thingy will seem almost “spa-like” after your last few weeks.

    :)

  6. What you just described happening to you at church Sunday?
    Happened to me during Angela Thomas’ session at dotMom. I kid you not, when I ran out, I simply prayed, “Lord, lead me to a restroom because I can’t look for one!”
    I’m never — I mean NEVER — sick like that. Goodness gracious.

    Not at all a good day.

    Hope you feel better soon Sophie!!

    (have you tried drinking the Metamucil? Oh I kid, but most people named Mamaw that I know, they swear that drinking the Metamucil cures about anything)

  7. Just imaging only one cup of coffee makes me nauseous. Did i spell that right?

  8. Did all of these ailments start after decreasing your Diet Coke? You should probably go back to drinking more of that sweet goodness in a can/from a fountain/over ice at Sonic.

    • I agree it seems that stopping the diet coke has led to a whole host of trouble so I say bring it back and all your troubles should go away! I shake just thinking about stopping/slowing down with my “mommy juice”.

  9. You had me laughing at the end of your post then I felt immediate guilt over laughing while one of my favorite bloggers has had all kinds of yuck thrown her way. So sorry! Hope that from here on out you are going to be sick-free for awhile.

  10. Hopefully, it will be along time before you add to the list, the various menopause “characteristics” that makes our life as women so unique! I can only imagine your description of the hot, molten lava feeling, that starts slowly in the middle of your body and spreads until you are glowing on fire like an acetylene torch! Hopefully for your sake, your readers will have to wait many years to experience the hilarity of these epic events!

  11. This may burst the exercise bubble, but whenever I use the Elliptical, my sciatic nerve acts up. But the good news is that I think exercise equipment makes a great place to dry laundry.

  12. My new office opens in Helena this week ~ I wish you would come let me work on your low back before your trip!! To help your sciatica! Everyone needs massage therapy in their lives …. and not just because I do it! HA!
    Praying for a speedy recovery & that today you feel much better :)

  13. Katherine says:

    I really hope that you are on the mend, but I confess that you did make me snort with the Big Wheel description!! LOL!

  14. Kudos to you committing to the elliptical and making changes to your caffeine intake, but it sounds like the diet coke all day long was keeping you from falling apart–err– healthy……hmmmm.

  15. Oh yes, hopefully a whole bunch of boring will head your way soon!

  16. Once again, you took the not so funny parts of life and made me giggle! You, my dear, may have you some ailments, but you sure do use them to put a smile on all of our faces!

    Wishing you a whole bunch of boring day!

  17. So glad you’re feeling better! Hate you had to miss Katie! I would love to hear her speak. Hope the wisdom tooth extraction is uneventful!

  18. For starters, I promise we all feel like we are ancient every once in a while. My 38 year old hubby is hobbling around in a big black orthopedic boot due to some weird ankle symptoms that, and I quote the Dr. here, “Usually only happens to really old people”. (HA!)
    The other little tidbit I wanted to share with you was that while we were vacationing in Charleston, SC last weekend, we spotted a whole section of BACON related treats. Bacon toothpaste, bacon gum, bacon mints, bacon action figure that came with his rival Monsieur Tofu! It was so funny. I took a picture and will try to post and link you to it, but my husband almost lost an eye rolling it at me taking pictures of “bacon toothpaste for a woman whose blog you read?” (another exact quote)

  19. Kimberly/OKC says:

    I just have a comment on one little tiny thing you mentioned…the diet coke. I quit drinking diet coke last July 29, cold turkey. You know there is that nasty aspartame in it along with most diet drinks, sadly including Crystal Light. But I mostly did it because I just felt like it made me groggy, forgetful, alzheimers-like so, since previous to this date I drank so much diet coke I joked that I needed it IV-ed to my arm to get thru life, I just quit. Boom. Now I don’t feel groggy or hazy anymore. Just FYI, no charge. Wondering if you are seeing the same thing since you cut down or was it purely for caffeine reasons…

  20. JulieinMich says:

    Glad you’re feeling better and thanks for making light of all your “situations”, this was a funny read, as usual!!

  21. Oh my dear sweet internet friend!
    God bless you, girl! You’ve been through THE RINGER!!
    Praying for C O M P L E T E healing and S O O N!!

    Big hug, sister!

  22. This is my first time commenting. OH my gracious, that was so funny. I was having to withhold the laughter because my co-worker who is only 2 feet away would think I had lost my marbles (you would have to know my co-worker). Anywho, glad you are feeling better but hate that about the wisdom tooth. I had all 4 of mine taken out at one time and ended up with dry sockets in all 4 of them. Not fun at all!

  23. Best scene and line goes to: ” It’s now or never, Sister.” while sprawled in a Sunday school room.

  24. CindyDavis says:

    Mamaw – if it makes you feel any better at all (and I sincerely hope it does) you are not the only one recently plagued by health-related incidents. Since August, I have had surgery for ulnar neuropathy (like carpal tunnel, but affecting the other half of your hand), a pesky inflammation of my eye called uvelitis and/or iritis, which is bizarro and the latest malady is eustachian tube dysfunction, resulting in otitis media with effusion and tinnitus, which means I can’t pop my ears or hear much other than a high pitched ringing in the right one. So, my sympathy to you and your plague-y-ness. I know just what you’re going through. Big hugs to you.

    Also, it may also make you feel better to know that I am currently at the ripe-old age of 33. I play bingo, love bowling and sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs a day for many years. Do I qualify for Mamaw status?? :) Feel better soon and buena suerte en el viaje a Ecuador!!

  25. Oh my goodness, last week I started getting a migraine when I had all 3 kids at the YMCA by myself, one in baby care, 2 in swimming lessons. I kept stretching my neck and rubbing my temples but there was no stopping it. And then I started to feel nauseous. So then I had to debate, do I yank those girls out of the pool right now? Can we make it to the end? Husband was 20 minutes away which was too far to rescue me in time. So I just prayed and willed that nausea down til I got home. Then I had the most unpleasant migraine I’d had in, oh FIFTEEN YEARS.

    I feel your pain.

  26. If it makes you feel any better I went for my usual morning walk and fell. Over nothing. I sprained my hand/wrist and broke out over 50% of both my front teeth. It was two weeks, to the day, before my out of state wedding. My teeth are still a wired together disaster (we aren’t sure yet if they will stay in my mouth or not). We had not yet packed for the wedding and with my various food allergies we had to pack every bite of food we would consume in the week away from home. Yeah. Talk about “in sickness and in health” being tested. The man I married last week? He’s a keeper!! 14 hrs in the kitchen following every instruction I gave and a marathon packing session later our clan pulled off the wedding in a Colorado meadow adorned by fall colors! So really, falling in silly shoes is not so bad!!!!

  27. Linda Thompson says:

    Have you by any chance been getting vaccinations in preparation for your trip? It’s possible that some of your problems are connected with reactions to those shots. I know lots of medical personnel say such things are not possible, but after having experienced it myself, I don’t believe them! If maladies 1 through 5 arose after any shots, that would be my first guess. The tooth–even a possibility. I just can’t help being a cause and effect kind of person. Anyway, glad you’re better. No one but you can make aches, pains, and personal disasters so laugh-out-loud funny.

    Linda in Tennessee

  28. I did #3 with some “tricky shoes” a few weeks ago. Walking behind my son who was riding his bike. I like to think I took the hit for him. :>)

    So sorry to hear you fell, glad to hear I have some good company sprawled out on the ground.

  29. All these comments and no one has blessed your heart yet? Well bless your sweet heart and may it NOT join that list!
    I have two cents: as a former massage therapist, I loved sciatic complaints because they are just about the easiest problem to “fix.” I would dearly love to explain what makes your hip hurt and what will make it go away but seriously, get yourself to a LMT! Just take all that money you’re saving in gym fees and diet coke (way to go!) and get some relief. Even 30 minutes on your back and hips twice a month would greatly help or erase your pain.
    Can you tell I really enjoyed doing massage? Feel better!

  30. Being 40+ is a new adventure everyday! I decided I was officially old when I hurt myself while sleeping. Yes, sleeping. Apparently, I made an incorrect turn during the night and paid for it dearly the next couple of days as I tried to convince my newly pulled muscle that it couldn’t be as bad as it felt. I was only sleeping afterall!

    My husband has lost a tremendous amount of weight over the past year (I’m still working on controlling my jealousy) and he says he’s never felt worse! Since he’s loss the weight, he’s had one health issue after another. We’ve decided that being healthy just may kill him! There’s something to be said for living life “fat, dumb, and happy”!

    We’ll be praying for your Ecuadorean voyage! Looking forward to the tales!

  31. Oh Boomama, I feel for anyone with a stomach virus. I also have sympathy for the shoe-induced falling. I had a similar incident involving platform boots (why, college girl Sarah?? Why did you think those were a good idea??), a steep flight of stairs, and a weak ankle. I ended up being helped up by a good looking and rather amused young man who did an admirable job of not laughing in my face. No small task since the first thing I said when I stopped rolling was….wait for it…..”Dude.” (Did the fall turn me into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle momentarily? I have no idea where that came from. It was most decidedly not my most radical or gnarly moment, I can tell you that much.) I guess there are worse things I could’ve said, but not many that made less sense! Get well, and stay vertical!

  32. I am so sorry you are having such an eventful few weeks but your description of the stomach virus hitting you at church made me laugh so hard! You are just too funny!

  33. Now I’m not feeling so terribly about the pill box I had to buy for all my Rx or that I do believe I have a heel spur – let’s get matching canes ;)

  34. Hope you are feeling better!!
    I really love your blog!! New follower from North Alabama! (:

  35. Is it wrong for me to love this post? Because I don’t love all your ailments, I truly hope you’re done with your share for a good, long while…But I did love your description of each one :) Thanks for making me laugh! Feel better!!

  36. 2 words—-flu shot. has worked for me for 8 years now. not a day sick. and I’m in cold weather Alaska. don’t be afraid of the flu shot.

  37. I’m so sorry that you have been under the weather…but my how entertaining you are, even in your ailing state! I especially appreciated the “Whoa Nellie”…as I’ve been whipping out a “Whoa Nellie” every now and again myself lately. I like a good “Whoa Nellie”. Goes quite well with a “for the love of Pete”! :)

  38. Yikes, that sounds awful. Hope you’re feeling better on every front.

    Say Yes to the Dress really is the perfect sick day show, especially since it only has three plot lines (overly involved families, brides with no self-esteem, brides with too much self esteem). No thought required.

  39. I had me a little “skin issue” myself. I’ll tell mine if you tell yours. ;)

  40. I got the bacon pictures up, with the addition of a picture of the Bacon Wallet~! Oh yes! You read that right!

  41. I’m not happy for your ailments, but I do take great comfort in knowing others are falling apart at the seams, too.

    And I would consider myself a healthy person, I really would. It just seems like after I turned 40 every body part started needing its own doctor. And every appointment seems to lead to another appointment, which seems like a lot of running around town for someone who is really healthy, I tell you!

    I am, however, thinking about hitting in the throat the next person who starts off an explanation with what’s going on with any part of my body with “Well, as you get older…” I’m almost 42, not dead. Betty White hosted SNL, for Pete’s sake.

  42. Only you and Joni could generate so much humor out of such misfortune. Thanks for the laughs, Mamaw. I’m glad you’re on the mend!

  43. Nothing like skin issues to make you feel like a teenager again. Nothing like a fall to make you feel geriatric, either. Sorry you’re under the weather lately, but you sure made me laugh!

  44. Christina says:

    Bless your heart, that’s a lot to handle at once. That stomach ailment sounded like a ton of fun too.

    I can completely comisserate about the wisdom tooth though. Last summer, at 10 pm on July 4th, after a long day at the county fair, I broke a wisdom tooth. And so, on July 5th, I had to face my biggest fear and have all four of my wisdom teeth pulled at the ripe old age of 31. I was so worried, I couldn’t sleep the night before, not because my tooth hurt at all, but because I’m a dental wimp.

    It turns out that since none of them were impacted, I didn’t need an oral surgeon. But I did demand an oral sedative. It was the first time I’d ever had an oral sedative, where I was technically awake but I remember very little. I do recall falling asleep in the dentist chair…a feat I hadn’t managed in my own bed the night before.

    It turns out that the whole thing was no big deal, thanks to the sedative and some laughing gas. I highly recommend the sedative, that way no matter what goes on in there, you just won’t care!

  45. Allow me to share a little stomach bug story. This Sunday I was at a birthday party at the park with my six kids. My husband had to do something at the afternoon Mass at church, so he was not with me. We were enjoying the party (friends from church so I had lots of help) when all of a sudden I felt bad. My appetite vanished. As quickly as I could I gathered up the kids and retrieved the big ones from the playground. We barely made it to the car. I was in major pain right in the middle of my chest. No idea why. My oldest girl ran to get a mom from the party. She came and sat with me and I all I wanted to do was lay down on the grass. But that didn’t help. Eventually I threw up in the grass. Husband came and got me and drove us home. Kids were minorly freaked out. Still no idea what the pain was about, but I was sick all night. It sucked.

    • From experience.
      Gall bladder attack.
      Sorry because they really hurt

      Hugs from Minnesota
      Marie

  46. Oh for goodness sakes I am sending a cyber-hug post-haste!

    {HUG} [HUG] (HUG)

    I bet those three parenthetical styles mean something. Hopefully something meaningful and not something creepy.

  47. Anonymous says:

    I can’t even explain how much I needed to read this post. So hilarious. I was laughing and crying at the same time. It was particularly timely as I’m having a perfectly horrible day with no end in sight. Thanks for the laughs…it was good medicine for my soul.