My friend Elise was the first one of my friends to have babies, and as a result she was our first go-to expert on Matters Concerning Children.
When her oldest boys were five and four, Elise told me about something that happened at the dinner table one night. Her five year-old didn’t want to eat what she’d fixed for supper, and after some gentle encouragement proved ineffective, E.’s hubby very lovingly outlined what I have come to refer to as P-Dub’s Suppertime Law.
If memory serves, P-Dub’s Suppertime Law went something like this:
Since your mother has prepared a delicious meal for you, you may either eat what she has cooked, or you may leave the table. And if you leave the table, you may not have a snack, alternate meal, or, above all, ice cream. Because if you leave the table, you’re all done eating for the day. Thank you.
Y’all have no idea how brilliant I thought that was when I was twenty-five and single.
The funny thing is that once Alex was old enough to eat real food, D and I put P-Dub’s Suppertime Law into practice. And with the exception of one meal in 2006 which will be known forever in our house as The Unfortunate Lasagna Incident (or: Why We Now Refer To Lasagna As “Pizza Noodles”), we’ve managed to escape a good bit of dinnertime drama thanks to P-Dub’s words-o-wisdom.
Which brings us to tonight. When we had us an old-fashioned Baked Beans Medley Breakdown at the dinner table. Oh yes ma’am we did.
Now for whatever reason, Alex has a very strong sense of when he’s full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?), and he doesn’t really care for the feeling of being full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?).
Anyway, since the little man seems pretty tuned in to when he’s had enough to eat, D and I usually just ask him to at least try everything that’s on his plate. He doesn’t have to love it or finish it or ask for seconds – he just has to try it. And as a result of the fact that he’s tried a lot of different stuff – at least I guess that’s the reason – Alex likes to eat things like butterbeans and pork tenderloin and roast and sweet potatoes and English peas. He’s not a picky eater at all.
Until tonight. When he spied the aforementioned Baked Beans Medley sitting next to his potato casserole.
I will spare you the details, but the enforcement of P-Dub’s Suppertime Law has never been more nerve-wracking than it was around 6 pm central time. We had quite the showdown on our hands, but when the little man finally realized that there would be no Oreo in his future if he balked at the beans, he decided that he’d give the beans a try.
And y’all. You have never heard such gagging and crying and carrying on in your life. You would’ve thought we were asking him to eat rutabagas covered in moldy hair.
Once Alex finally managed to choke down a lone pinto bean, he decided the beans weren’t so bad. I don’t think the recipe will go to the top of his preferred foods list (#1? Donuts. #2? Chocolate-covered donuts. #3? POWDERED donuts.), but in the end I felt pretty good about the fact that we stood our ground and made him at least try them.
I felt pretty good, that is, when I wasn’t feeling guilty.
It’s been very important to D and me that the dinner table not be a war zone, but tonight, I confess, it was a bit of a battleground. And I did not enjoy it. Which leads me to some questions.
How do y’all handle Situations Regarding Food with your kids? Do you have any hard and fast mealtime rules? When your child resists something you’ve cooked, do you offer something else? Do you let it go? Or do you stand your ground?
Because now I’m second-guessing myself. I know that this isn’t a life-altering dilemma, but it’s making me a little crazy that we let our dinnertime deteriorate over, you know, BEANS. The boy is a good eater, baked beans or no – and I’m wondering if we should have left well enough alone.
We use that same “law” in this house and out of our seven children.. not one is a picky eater. They will eat just about anything and try anything at least once.
Ah, it is so reminiscent of, I don’t know, about an hour ago? Food “fights” are common in our house and we already use P-Dubs Suppertime Law. (and to imagine I never even met the guy). Tonight’s “fight” was over delicous and simmering-all-day beef stew.
Oh my I wish I had wisdom…unfortunately we struggle with our 4 year old on food and it becomes more of a battleground than I’d like it to be.
He usually will eat what I make, even if he doesn’t like it, but he packs it into his cheek and chews it for an eternity. This drives my husband and me a little bit crazy…so you will probably hear “JUST SWALLOW” a few times if you happen to be at our house at dinner time.
We give him a small portion of whatever we are having and we do expect him to finish what’s on his plate. Are we setting him up for food issues for life? I sure hope and pray not! This is a tough one for us.
Oh and I also forgot to mention that my son has a very active gag reflex! Be thankful tonight with Alex was an isolated incident…but I’d say it sounds like you handled it well. Don’t second guess yourself…better to hold your ground than serve something different. I just usually try to have 1-2 things that I know my kids will like, even if they don’t love everything (ie: bread, applesauce, fruit, etc.)
We tend to use the same method although I never knew it had an official P-Dub title until now. Once you give them an Oreo, well you know the rest.
Seriously, the child will not need therapy because you made him eat a bean. Unless you covered it in Texas Pete, he will be fine. :>)
You have to at least try the food before you say “I don’t care for these ______, mommy.”
I then use my judgement as to whether the issue should be pressed. I know that one of my children does not like baked beans. So at lunch today, I put broccoli in place of his beans and my other son who loves beans did not have to have the broccoli. Everyone was happy!
Each child is allowed to not care for a few items of food. But you are NOT allowed to refuse an entire food group!
We tried the “if you don’t eat this, then no food for you for the rest of the night” thing in the past. It was then that I realized that *I* was the one being punished! I cannot stand the thought of any of my children being hungry! So we usually just make them eat their food or let them go without dessert (trying to make sure that the dessert for that meal is a super-favorite one for the picky child to miss out on).
Now, I’m all for other people having that rule– I think it’s a great one! But it really bothers me a ton so I don’t use it that often (although I have on occasion). For me, I show my love by cooking and serving so it is a HUGE deal to me.
I think when it comes down to it, it is the ATTITUDE of the child. Gross carryings-on of drama (which include tears, gagging, whining, etc) will usually mean that mommy is setting the timer and it BETTER be all gone!
But if the child has a good attitude and uses good manners, then mommy may even get up from the table and make you a pb&j or a bowl of Easy Mac.
I”ll be honest. I’ve cultivated a “no picky eaters” policy by *ahem* not being honest. At times.
Take Jonathan for instance. From the time he was able to eat solid foods, he refused to eat anything but chicken. So, any meat that was on his plate became “chicken”. Hot fogs, steak, pork, whatever. We called it chicken, and he ate it. And once he was about 7 (oh, I said 7) we tested the waters by calling things by their real names. And alas, he ate it, loved it and asked for more. To my knowledge, he never caught on.
Then there was the sugar thing. He was convinced that he could only eat cereal doused in sugar. Mind you, this kid is the ultimate example of hyper activity on sugar. So, for years, we would shake the “closed” sugar container over his cereal. Not one drop of sugar fell, and he without a peep. We worried what would happen later, but amazingly he decided one day he didn’t need sugar on his cereal, so we were saved.
Otherwise, we have held fast to the same rule you talked about. Hard and fast.
Now, if you can tell me how to get Jonathan to eat foods that have ‘touched’ each other on his plate? I’ll love you for-evah. And evah. Amen.
Our hard and fast rule has always been this:
1. You will try it.
2. If, at any time during the trial period you (a) make derogatory comments about the putrid taste of said item (b) gag and/or throw up at the table or (c) cry or throw a fit because you have to try it, you will receive an additional helping which you must eat in its entirety before leaving your chair.
We’re oh, so well-known among all the kids at school and in the neighborhood for our stance. Kids come over for dinner just to see if we’ll hold our ground with them as well as our own kids. We still have one of my 31-year-old son’s friends sitting at the table this minute with a plateful of spinach…he’s been there since he was 16.
In all seriousness, Alex will not be warped forever because you stand your ground. Really and truly. He will be a better man because of it.
I think you are doing the right thing. That’s exactly what we do in our house and it makes for much more peaceful dinnertimes. Just remember if you make something else then there is no turning back. My kids don’t even know that other moms make seperate meals for their picky eaters and I like it that way:)I think if you give in now that dinner will become more of a headache for you.
We have two lovely daughters who eat just about anything set before them with a happy heart and a hearty appetite.
Then, God created John Deere Green to inhabit my home, weasel into my heart before he ever sat in a high chair, and personally contribute gray hairs to my scalp.
The child likes little to nothing except cereal, hot dogs, mac ‘n cheese, yogurt, and hamburgers.
We had the rule that you must try all new things that make their way to the dinner table. We had a rule that if you’d tried it before and liked it that you had to eat the same number of bites as your age.
All that went out the window when JD found every meal time a battleground. I learned after great grief, weeping, and gnashing of teeth (all this done by the mama) that I will pick my battles wisely.
I now offer food, make him try one bite. If he is polite and does this, then he may have peanut butter sandwiches as an alternative.
Sending him to bed with no food at all resulted in repeated stealthful trips to the kitchen after everyone else was sleeping. I would rather a joyfully given pb sandwich than a thief looking for Tootie Frooties in the middle of the night.
Good Luck!
Good job girl! I don’t force my kids to eat something that they just don’t like…but yes, they must try it first in order to know if they like it! When my daughter was two she started to pass out from hypoglycemia, she did it a couple of times and after the gamut of tests, they just declared her small for her age and she needed to eat more frequently,and never, EVER miss a meal or snack time. We made a mess for ourselves just trying to get her to eat. We pretty much gave her whatever she wanted at any time. (She had to have high protien with complex carbs, so it was mostly healthy choices…MOSTLY…) Now we are at the end of the damage control and can finally breathe…so whatever you do, just keep sticking to your plan!
i wish i had done something like that from the start. but i didn’t because i had my own food issues that came with me from my childhood. i’m a very picky eater. very. that probably set the stage for my kids to be picky eaters simply because i was raising them and influencing them by giving them plain cheeseburgers and no lettuce on their tacos and such.
so now, we have issues.
i try to cook what they like. if they don’t like what i cook they have the option of eating fruit for supper instead.
there’s always at least one person who doesn’t like something that i cook.
like i said, issues.
We too use “the rule”. They (10, 8 and 5) must try it also. That being said I can still remember with amazing clarity when my parents made me eat black eyed peas. I was in 3rd grade and labeled a picky eater. It was beans or nothing. After one bite and subsequent(sp) gagging fest I chose nothing. I still love my parents but I haven’t eaten any kind of bean since.
Caroline has been known to live on one cheese cube for several days.
We refer to it as the supermodel diet.
Obviously, I am no help.
Our usual plan of action is: They have to try it and if they don’t like what I lovingly and painstakingly prepared (ha!), they can have anything that they can prepare themselves (usually PB&J soup or cereal.) But mommy isn’t going to cook 2 meals.
~Leslie
ack! don’t 2nd guess! if you start now, you’ll be doomed forever….remember, they can smell fear!
let me preface my whole babbly response by saying we have 3 girls – a 6yo & 4yo twins – who are all excellent, read non-picky, eaters and we do NOT want to make food or eating an issue. in our house the “f” word is f-a-t.
we too believe that only one meal is made, you eat it or you don’t. if you don’t, you don’t, but then that’s it: no snack, no dessert (although we also do not require you to “finish” dinner to get dessert when we have it) no nothin’. this option has yet to be chosen by any of the kidlets.
if you do choose to eat the meal you must have at least one bite of something before you can snub your nose at it (commonly referred to by many households as the ‘no thank you’ bite), including repeat foods; also, if you want 2nds of something, you need to have one bite of everything else on your plate before you get the 2nds.
we have friends who have 2 of the pickiest eaters i’ve ever seen. they DO make 2 and 3 meals, all dictated by the children. you should see their “snack” cupboard, it’s bigger than my pantry and those kids are allowed to eat out of it even at mealtimes.
so while my opinion is biased, i say, you made a good rule that is fair and equitable, feel good about it and feel good about the fantastic eating habits you’re providing.
the end :D
our oldest (9) is a champion gagger. so we make sure they have a cup full of water to swish down the offensive food. also they believed that whole thing of “plug your nose and you can’t taste it” for about 6 months. after 2 summers of cooking home-grown zuchinni, he’s finally not gagging on it. now for the other 3.
*oh, and we had to call it Pizza Noodles from the start, otherwise they wouldn’t touch lasagna
we have that same rule in our home.
the only time it backfired was when our oldest boy gagged on the peas and almost threw up all over the table.
Needless to say, we don’t force him to eat the peas.
But they must try everything at least once. When they were younger, I put it on their plate regardless.
I think that the rule is a good one. Alex is just getting into that age where he is realizing he is separate from you and Dave and can have his own opinions.
Obviously, he has his opinions regarding the Bean Medley ;0)
And he won’t have to enter therapy over the dinner “fiasco” of September 24th 2007. He’ll be fine!
Blessings,
Karla
I’m only 15 months into this whole “mommy” thing and dinnertime stresses me out to the point that I, myself, cannot eat. Silver lining: No dinner = pre-baby weight! Score!
One of my biggest pet-peeves is when momma’s cater to little boys and fix them something else–(I’m not sure why this doesn’t happen with girls–maybe it’s the opposite gender thing) Anyway, I think it’s awesome that you require your son to try new things. We have always made our kids try something once–believe me the gagging and carrying on won’t still be happening when he’s older. It’s a good thing you’re doing. His future wife will thank you.
My own little man was a champ tonight eating his first green peas since he was 15 months old. Of course I got them down his throat after promises of Pez. It did the trick and he now says he “Luvs” peas. Whatever it takes, right? My goal is for him to try one new food per week. I have set my expect ions low on this one. But boy cannot live on dino chicken nuggets alone, I tell you.
We stick to P-Dub’s Suppertime Law as well. Although I must say we’ve never called it that. I had no idea it had such a fascinating title.
And we’ve had similar meltdowns over mashed potatoes. MASHED POTATOES. With LOTS of FAT added. Is my child insane? Is he not truly SOUTHERN? Perhaps he was switched at birth with a Yankee baby who’s mommy was just visiting when she went into labor? (No offense to my lovely northern friends. Yankee is purely an affectionate term.) We even grounded him from watching American Idol one night. I must say, that is not a parenting moment I’m proud of.
But, MASHED POTATOES? REALLY?
Our philosophy is simple: you can eat it or you can be hungry, your choice. If you choose not to eat it, if you are capable of making yourself a peanut butter sandwich, have at it, otherwise you’re out of luck ’cause I’m not makin’ two suppers around here. But if you don’t eat whatever mama’s serving now, you surely won’t be eating anything mama might choose to serve later.
So eating has never been an issue in our house. Stand your ground, BooMama, you’re doing just fine.
We stand in similar line with the P-Dub law. If it’s new you will try it (and that includes swallowing). If you do not like it (and have conveyed it politely) then you will eat everything else on your plate. You may have seconds of those items.
Occasionally when there is not much in the “other things” category and DS (8) has tried it and been polite I will allow HIM to make himself a sandwich or heat a corn dog or something. But Mom only makes ONE meal!
If they both eat a decent amount of dinner (standards not set in stone) then they may have dessert which is usually a popsicle or something. But if they give the “I’m full” when I feel they are just trying to get out of eating a food that is not their favorite then they have the choice. But if they get up it is NO dessert and no more food until the next meal (which is usually breakfast, of course).
Well, my boy isn’t old enough to eat much, tonight was his very first night with squash before that it was all just baby cereal.
But…
I grew up a picky eater and I honestly believe that some people taste things differently than others. This was pointed out to me in college so too bad I couldn’t have used it on my mom! I have grown to like some foods (on my own), but never when they were forced on me.
However, anything with raw onions in it and that’s the only thing I can taste. So I think I will make my son try something and if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to eat that part of his meal. But I won’t be making other separate meals just for him. And of course I will try to make things I know he likes.
My husband on the other hand was brought up to eat everything that was served and if he didn’t like it he had to say “I haven’t learned to like it yet”. I think this is just plain mean, to make a child eat an entire serving or meal of something they don’t like. there very well could be a good reason they don’t like it (see above) and as long as they aren’t being obnoxious about it I don’t see why you have to force the issue.
That all said… it’s your house and you make the rules! I think what you’re doing is perfectly fine!
Our rule is similar, but since I have the same “sensitivity to being full” we enforce like this:
1. You can pick ONE food item per year (chosen New Years Day) that you get a free pass on eating. You may eat PB&J in its place.
2. You must eat what was cooked, no “short-ordering” unless the item was the food you chose for rule #1.
3. IF you claim you are full, you do not have to eat anymore. There will be NO snacks, deserts, etc. though for 3 hours.
extra rule: To get desert you have to stay AT the dinner table without complaint until everyone is done. If you have left just enough room for desert, then that is okay IF you didn’t complain about what was cooked. Attitude is everything in our house.
Given that my 9 year old teenage daughter held her nose whilst putting a fork full of pasta into her mouth (to prevent gagging on the spinach)tonight, I’m probably the last person to give advice. In fact, she was trying to eat the pasta in the only way she could, so that she could actually earn the right to have a bit of apres meal chocolate.
Apparently, I should be asking for advice, too. :)
Remember, though: the less dessert Howard..er..Alex eats, the more Boomama can have. Just sayin’.
Since we quite obviously have had SO much experience… ;)
We’ve tried our hardest to put that P-Dub’s law in practice, even in the 18 months we’ve had to even begin it. We hope it’ll work. We hear it does if you stick to it… unless, of course, you have a child like my brother who, at four or five, wouldn’t finish his supper, and so my parents, thinking a P-Dub style law was the best thing, told him that if he wouldn’t finish it, they’d wrap it up and save it for his next meal… which happened to be breakfast. He smiled a sad little smile and replied, “Okay, Mommy and Daddy.” Then gave them his plate to save for breakfast. That’s when they looked at each other, bewildered, wondering if they really should follow through with that… they did, btw. And he ate it.
Of course, then there was my parents’ other child, who shall remain nameless, who, until, ahem, she was at least five or six, repeatedly fell for the “You’re full, huh? Hey, do you have room for ice cream? That’s what I thought… eat your dinner” trick every. single. time.
And, for the record, Troy had butterbeans for the first time this past week… and you’d think THAT was ice cream. He couldn’t get enough…
I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed to turn my nose up at any meal (besides liver…my mom made that excpetion and didn’t force us to eat liver), but I’m still a picky eater. Only now I don’t have to cook things I don’t like, so life is full of a lot more joy. My oldest son inherited my strong food preferences. Sugar? GOOD Fruit? good. Vegetables? Meat? no thank you. We still insist he eat what I cook for supper, and he’s not allowed to get down until he’s finished. And he does finish what’s on his plate. SLOWLY. But one night he actually gagged on what he was eating. And I let him right down. Because he was too young to fake it, and because I gagged on a few meals myself growing up and I knew I wasn’t faking it. His pickiness and slow eating is a source of continual frustration for his dad and me, though, even though I know I’m just getting payback for how I frustrated my own mother all growing up.
We have never had to be sticklers on it because both girls are pretty OK with trying new things. They always seem to at least take a bite or two and sometimes they even think they like it until about bite number three or four – LOL!
I think they at least need to give it a try…just my two cents.
Our suppertime law goes something like this:
“This is dinner. You may eat it, or not. If you eat it, you may have dessert. If you do not eat it, you will not get anything else to eat until breakfast tomorrow morning.”
That’s it. We don’t whine/plead/cajole/beg our kids to eat, and I absolutely refuse to play short order cook in my own kitchen. The decision is theirs alone and the consequences are clear from the get-go.
My youngest likes to put ketchup on anything that isn’t 100% delicious by her standards — this includes broccoli and other green vegetables. She also swears that if you cover your ears, the bad taste won’t bother you. She has my MUST-HAVE-CHOCOLATE gene and would rather DIE than give up dessert!
My oldest is stubborn and chooses to walk away from the table quite often rather than finish eating his dinner. We decided that he needed some different motivation for eating his dinner, so we offered him 1 hour of playing his favorite video game for every COMPLETE (including an appropriately sized serving of vegetables!) meal he eats. Worked like a charm!
NOW, my burning question is this: how do we get kids to stop interrupting us when we are talking to someone else (on the phone or in person)? I’m in desperate need of help for that one!
Since Oldest Child was Howard’s age (she’s 13 now..) her pediatrician has always said she needs to try enough bites to eat her age. Being the Mother of all Mothers that I am, that’s what we always encouraged. Thinking that there would be an end somewhere in the near future when she realized how important nutrition was…suffice it to say that counting bites of food was cute when she was four and even five or six. She is, after all, learning important nutritional facts. Let me just say, however, that counting THIRTEEN BITES OF FOOD EVERY NIGHT gets rather old.
Since Oldest Child was Howard’s age (she’s 13 now..) her pediatrician has always said she needs to try enough bites to equal her age. Being the Mother of all Mothers that I am, that’s what we always encouraged. Thinking that there would be an end somewhere in the near future when she realized how important nutrition was…suffice it to say that counting bites of food was cute when she was four and even five or six. She is, after all, learning important nutritional facts. Let me just say, however, that counting THIRTEEN BITES OF FOOD EVERY NIGHT gets rather old.
We have used that law, but with some modifications.
You eat what is put in front of you. If not, there will be no snack till next meal. Next meal will be what you didn’t finish the previous meal. That plate of food will be covered, refrigerated, and microwaved for next meal.
The boy wasn’t picky at all. I never used that on him, but the girl….Oh. my. goodness. Talk about stubbbbbborn!
We only “battled it out” using this rule…once…..that was all it took, but you know………I reheated about 1/4 cup of chili for almost 2 days before she finally ate it.
She didn’t fight us again about food…ever.
I’m not a parent so I can’t join in on the conversation but I loved this line!!!
“You would’ve thought we were asking him to eat rutabagas covered in moldy hair.”
Classic:o)
Not that you needed my approval, but you did the right thing. We have some pretty hard and fast rules about eating in the Georgia Mom household and so far it’s worked for us. Our girls are great eaters, they have good table manners, and we can take them anywhere without fear of embarrassment (well, the youngest did flip her chair backwards during dinner the other night and when I looked down her dress was above her head and the nice elderly man sitting behind us got to see her pink panties, which did not make me happy, but for the most part we can take them anywhere). So, stick to your rules girl! They will pay off in the long run!!!
This is a case of fighting the battle to avoid the war. I usually don’t make my kids eat anything, but they can’t have seconds of anything unless they’ve eaten “firsts” of everything being served that night, and I have insisted that they try something, like you did. The result is that they are all good eaters, none of them highly picky, and dinnertimes now are very peaceful because they know the rules and they know from experience that the rules will be enforced. You may have had a meltdown last night, but if you had given in to the Oreo you would be going through this every night. What kid is going to eat any kind of healthy food if they think there’s a chance of an Oreo instead? You did the right thing.
We use sort of that same law…if you don’t like what we have fixed, you don’t eat. However, I do have a little guilt that my little butterball who might wither away to nothing much like her Momma…(um…ok…so not really) might TRULY be hungry later and what kind of Momma would I be to just tell her “Sorry kid…you can just STARVE!” So, if she loses dinner and comes to me later hungry, I give her a spoon of peanut butter. That way, she isn’t getting anything she wants, but I know she isn’t going to bed on an empty stomach. And while she likes PB&J sandwiches and is ok with a spoon of it, it becomes less appealing when it BECOMES all you get. Takes that guilt right away!
My kids have issues – but I’m VERY blessed to say that we’ve never had food issues. That might be because of two things:
1) From birth I instilled in my children the idea that pickles were the ultimate dessert. This bit of “readjustment” to the food pyramid gives me two sons (age 7 and 5) who would trade cookies for two dill spears.
2) I didn’t force anything, but I never gave them other options. You don’t have to eat what I put in front of you, but I’m not making you another meal. My 5 year old prefers mushrooms in his soup, while my 7 year old likes sushi.
It helps that my ex-husband is Cajun, and I graduated from HS in New Orleans, so my kids (even though we live in Georgia) have experienced a wide range of food. We lived in Europe for 2 years and that expanded their horizons also.
If all else fails – give them this tidbit of science that my oldest brought home when he was in Kindergarten:
You get brand-new tastebuds every 30 days. Therefore, if you don’t like the way something tastes, then you need to wait a month and try it again.
I’ve gotten a lot of steam from that! And it IS amazing how they may not like it the first time, but they’ll keep on trying it. Some foods they still don’t enjoy, but they don’t fight trying things.
~Lone Butterfly
My youngest two children are great eaters. My eldest that’s another story. He has his dad’s picky tastebuds. When he threw up his dinner, all over the table mind you, because his taco had just yellow cheese not yellow and white, we knew it was in his head. He’s a texture guy. Weird meat textures freak him out. He’ll eat tons of veggies and fruit. I cannot begin to describe our battles at every meal. He never won, but eventually we figured out that we weren’t winning either. We were making him hate meal times and potentially foods he might like on his own. We just encourage him to try a tiny bite of things. At age 12 we’re finally making headway in some areas. He tries and likes lots of things on his own terms. Your Alex sounds a little more moldable. Keep up the good work and stand your ground.
You are SO on the right track, BooMama. We use the same rule and guidelines around here. The only thing I would add is that since we make them at least TRY everything, we do not force them to eat something again if they genuinely do not like it. For example, we have one that is a really good eater but detests bananas. He gags at the sight of them. Since he has bravely eaten a banana and THEN decided he didn’t like it, he is forever recused from bananas. (This could also stem from the emotional scars I have, caused by an unfortunate potato salad incident when I was ten years old. To this day, I want to cry and suck my thumb at the mere suggestion of potato salad.)
Have a blessed day!
Food is a constant struggle here. My 4 year old will refuse foods that she loved last week (like spaghetti – what kid doesn’t like spaghetti?!) I’ll admit I waver a bit on this depending on my mood. Most of the time we have the try a few bites rule – often with the same results you had. Sometimes we just tell her that she doesn’t have to eat it but that’s all she’s getting for dinner – no snacks later. On rare occasions I have made her a pbj sandwich but I’ve since stopped that because I don’t want to encourage the pickiness. My goal now is to have at least 1 thing at each meal that I know she’ll eat. Dinner is always the hardest meal and as a result, there’s usually not an evening snack.
Our rule was you had to taste whatever was served. You could POLITELY refuse to eat any more but had to taste it. Since both my parents grew up in India – they knew what a priviledge it was to even have food at all. We could NEVER make disparaging remarks about food. All my sibs and I grew up to be very good eaters who eat everything!
Sounds like you are on the right track with Alex…. all shall be well.
Hmm..I should adapt that LAW. I currently make 3 diferent meals at dinner for 4 people.
What was I thinking when I started that?!
Well, I have to say that I’m a bit more relaxed with this whole dinnertime thing. My rule is USUALLY to take one bite of everything, and at least give it a try. However, if it’s becoming a battle, I relax a little. I usually say “No seconds on other foods until you’ve tried one bite of everything.” And it usually works. If I fix a meal that one of the kids just hates, then they’re allowed to fix themselves a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter sandwich. Something quick, and nothing that needs to be cooked. If they’ve fallen into a routine of “Not liking” what I’ve cooked for awhile, then I fix them something they love for a couple of nights, and that usually breaks the cycle. Good Luck!
We live P-Dub’s law like a religion with our eldest. She is picky like you would not believe, but she knows that I mkae one dinner. One and only one, and if she leaves the table, then she will not be eating anything else for the rest of the evening. She is actually OK with that rule – which makes me nervous – but, as I tell the kids every single day, this is not restaurant. You do not “put your order in”
On the plus side, she eats a very good breakfast and lunch (plus snacks at school) so I know she’s not starving. And the other two kids are not picky in the least. I think we struck the fear of God in their hearts :)
I agree with your methods. Did you know that kids can and mostly will develop a taste for a food over time if you continue to prepare it for them and encourage them to taste it each time? Yes indeedy. I am living proof that it works, for in my adult life I actually crave, and will occasionally prepare and eat, beets and lima beans, both of which I did the gagging thing over when I was a kid! Keep it up. We do it with our Alex too and it’s hard but I think it’ll pay off for them later in life.
Same law goes in this household. I am not a short order cook.
Our kids don’t have to try it but they are not getting any thing else or desserts.
Good for you! That was the hard part, next time he’ll know your not going to give in and being so dramatic isn’t going to sway you.
I’m a nanny for a 2 yr old and let me tell you, she knows whats going on. She know’s with me that drama and tears don’t work, she rarely tries anymore. But with mom and dad they do. So anytime they say no she pulls out the stops knowing they will give in. So I ususally leave the area cause it drives me nuts to see her act that way when I know she knows better than that.
Whew sorry for the vent, the point is if you stick to your guns then the next time it’s easier.
I agree, your son will not be scarred for life from ingesting a bean that he didn’t care for at the moment.
That being said, however, our youngest daughter once begged not to eat biscuits and gravy, she said it looked like something the dog threw up. But I pressed her b/c, well….. it was biscuits and gravy….I mean come on…..who doesn’t like that stuff???? Yeah, well, I can tell you who, our youngest, b/c I ended up “revisiting” it 2 more times before she actually got to the bathroom to, um…..empty herself of the “offensive dog throw-up” disguising itself as breakfast food.
That terrible morning still haunts me, after all these years, I remember it vividly (and I do mean vividly).
The moral of this story: if the food you present to your family in any way resembles some thing family pet couldn’t keep down, don’t make a 2 year old eat it….because sometimes when they say they don’t want it……they really don’t
We have a similar rule. Kids have to try it before they can say they don’t like it, and no alternate meals are prepared. We rarely have dessert, so we don’t have that incentive most of the time. We also don’t eat a cooked meal every night for various reasons, so the kids know they will get a sandwich and chips at least once in the week, which might reduce the anxiety. It is okay to have the battle at dinner once in a while. You are being consistent.
All our children must try everything. When the kids were little, they had to eat as many bites as their age (ie our three year old had to eat three bites), but once they hit about 6, we didn’t make them eat that many bites anymore. They just have to have 2-3.
Also, they will not gag or make derogatory comments or they must eat an additional bite. If they leave the table without finishing, they are done until the next meal. I like the few bites approach, because I don’t want to make them overstuff themselves, particularly with something they can’t stand.
My daughter has a mental thing with cheese. She will eat somethig if the cheese is disguised and she is unaware fo it, or if it is on pizza or covering a chip at the local Mexican restaraunt. Otherwise, it’s a no go. So, I usually don’t fix her items (like salad and tacos, etc.) with cheese, but occasionally we do.
One, because I think it is good to try it. Two, she needs to be able to eat anything served her at another’s house. It is part of being a good guest and having good manners.
None of mine are picky eaters in general–they love Mexican, Japanese, Italian, Russian food…pretty much most of what we eat.
Keep it up and don’t get discouraged. Children have to try something up to 7 times before they really know if they like it according to researchers, because sometimes they jut have a mental aversion. One of our sons used to gag when eating chicken…now he loves chicken soup, grilled chicken, etc.
On the other hand, I try to have something they like on nights when I know at least one dish will be a stretch for them. After all, we want fun family dinner times, not battles every night. Plus, it is an incentive. I don’t even give seconds until they have tried everything.
Good luck!
If Sean says he’s full, then I tell him it’s a good time to stop eating – a good life lesson. I don’t make him try everything. He’s only three and I remember when I was three I didn’t like a lot of the stuff I like now, so it takes time for a palette to develope. And some stuff he may never like (beets? eeeew) I don’t believe in forcing anyone to eat anything. However. If you don’t eat what’s on the table, there will be nothing more to eat until the next meal and there is no negotiating on that.
We do the ‘Taste It Once, Please’ Rule at our house. When that fails (or there is whining) they are asked to leave the table, and they cannot come back until they are ready to try it without complaining.
IF they do not come back at all, then they are done eating for the night.
IF they taste it without complaining but do not like it- no prob. We continue our meal in peace.
Keep it up! You are teaching him self-denial, which is probably THE hardest concept to teach a person.
We live by the same law in our house – Lexi has never really been a picky eater – until she started eating lunch at preschool – and I think she picked up on the ‘that’s gross’ syndrome – or who knows, perhaps she came up on it all on her own. but – she will try it – and decide. She’ll eat sushi – and seafood – and LOVES just about any veggie there is – so I don’t complain often – but the ‘rule’ does come out on occasion – and it’s a handy one to have. To me, it’s a clear understanding that yes, you have a choice – but here are the consequences of your choice – consequences are a hard concept to grasp – even for some adults – and to me, it’s a way to guide her even with something as simple as dinner or lunch.
Not a parent yet, but speaking from a former kiddo- my roommate and I just had a discussion about the whole “Clean Plate Club” and how it counteracts the notion of just eating until you’re full. When you grow up being rewarded for eating everything on your plate you tend to ALWAYS eat everything on your plate (and then you end up on Weight Watchers wondering why it is SO hard to leave food behind on your plate when you go out to eat). So, I don’t know how to do this, but I’d definitely urge parents to teach their kids to eat until they are comfortably full and not force them to eat everything placed in front of them. As for the food struggles, I think you did the right thing. My niece and nephew are expected to try everything on their plate. They are old enough now that if they truly don’t like something, my sister tells them that it’s fine, but they have to choose a healthy alternative and they make it themselves (i.e. whole grain cereal, turkey sandwich, etc.). She won’t make a second meal.
Guess I’m the opposite of most. I usually make three or even four different meals (and we only have two kids, LOL) and that’s okay with me. Sometimes if the six year old is picking at dinner and not really eating and I know she’s hardly eaten the whole day we’ll plop her in front of the TV with her dinner on a tray and she gobbles it up. I’m sure you’re all horrified, but my girls are actually good girls and times are peaceful in my household. There are plenty of times when *I* am not that hungry or dinner doesn’t appeal to me and *I* have cereal or a sandwich so why shouldn’t they? I still remember gagging on ricotta cheese and now I love it. I don’t need fancy kids who will eat anything and everything and when would they get the opportunity anyway?? We’re not exactly gourmet around here. :o)
Good for you, Boomama! Be firm but not dramatic about it!
We have a similar rule in our house. If the girls refuse to eat, then their plate and drink are taken away, but they will remain at the table with the family until we are all done. This helps to avoid the issue of wanting to go play instead of eating. They will not have anything to eat or drink until the next meal. We always consider portion size as well.
We have not had to use this rule in over a year. Not bad considering they are 3, 5, and 14. They eat whatever is on the table wherever we are.
Now if we could figure out how to eliminate the negative comments about other peoples food. A work in progess!
Be strong!
I still have nightmares of me sitting at the table an hour after the rest of the family had finished eating, and gagging on cold butterbeans (spew!) when the timer on the oven was about to go off. I had one hour extra to sit there and then I would shove it all in my mouth the last minute if the neighbor’s Collie, Princess, didn’t happen to wander by our kitchen door so I could put my plate on the step and she would lick it clean.
I can’t even look at a can of butterbeans in the grocery without wanting to hurl.
That being said, I am 100% guilty of the 2 meal plan with my kids.
Sue
My husband was the victim of the clean plate club. Thus, we have instituted the following:
You must sit at the table to eat. Roaming is not an option.
You must try everything on your plate. Not hungry? That’s fine. You can sit at the table with us while we eat. No one leaves the table until EVERYONE is done. Still a mass amount of food left on your plate? That will go into the refrigerator and be reserved to you later on. (We only hold it over through the evening, then toss when she goes to bed.) No desserts/treats . . . You must eat your meal first. (All except for peaches and green beans!)
I haven’t read through the comments, but I think you absolutely should hold to P-dub’s law. I do home daycare, and you can really tell whose parents are consistent and whose let them eat ten handfuls of Froot Loops for dinner because they’re so hungry! and it’s not fair! and they have to like what they eat! … It doesn’t set good habits.
Since I’ve got 3 kids with VERY different personalities, let me just tell you what I can based on having a variety. My middle child’s favorite food is asparagus. I’m not kidding. And he’s a great eater and will try just about anything. So, that said, if he tries something and really doesn’t care or it, which is rare, then I allow him not to like it. He just has to be polite about it. I have way too many memories of being forced to choke down brussel sprouts to make a good eater miserable for no real reason other than to “win.”
My youngest child is also a wonderful eater, although a bit pickier than Mr. Asparagus. So with her we make deals such as, “take 4 more bites,” and she’s always willing to eat something that’s not necessarily her favorite if she knows there’s an end in sight.
Then there’s my oldest. His ADD medication makes him feel full ALWAYS. ALWAYS. Add to that the fact that he has ALWAYS been ultra, ultra, uber-picky, and basically what you’re left with is a ginormously tall (my hubby’s family is filled with giants) bag of bones reminiscent of a Norman Rockwell picture. For this child, and the other moms can stone me at dawn if they want, I try to have on hand WHATEVER he will choke down a few bites of. Which is a small list consisting of pizza, pizza, pizza, and baby back ribs. Seriously, I keep enough peanut butter and Nutella on hand so that he can make himself (he’s 9) a sandwich if he doesn’t like the dinner after he’s at least tried it. We’re trying to get him to thrive, so “winning” at dinner means just getting him to eat.
So be flexible depending on your child, would be my advice.
We too, enforce the P-Dub law here at our house.
And meal times can be just as much of a battleground as it sounds like you had last night. The crying, the gaggin, the choking sounds…all over something so simple as gound beef! It never fails to amaze me at the drama they can come up with.
Don’t worry…you will get better at tuning it out!
Boomama,
As a mother of 8 almost-all-grown-up children, I commend you on your tenaciousness. Because, dear sister, this battle was not about beans. It was about a wicked and rebelious, albeit adorable, little heart that cries out to be shaped by those who love him. If you give in on the beans because it ruins one blissful dinner time, the enemy (the devil, not Alex) will have the victory and gets the point. Please believe me, during the teen years, that point spread between good and evil is crucial. Alex will rise up and call you blessed; probably not during adolescence but eventually. I have several young adults that will testify to that truth! Press on!
My, lots of great comments :) We also enforce this rule- which normally is not a problem. My husband lovingly calls my daughter ‘lunchbox’ because she can PUT AWAY some food!
Though one night we had a similar incident over peas and carrots- which she is eaten plenty of before then. Well, when the tears started, we sent her to bed to calm down. A few minutes later, placed her again in front of the peas and carrots. We repeated this FOUR times! THE AGONY!!! She finally ate it- and now she doesn’t bat an eyelash at peas and carrots- or anything else for that matter.
I am guessing you won’t have to go through this much more. It’s important to stay strong. He’s looking for you to stand firm and you did!
Like your experience with Howard, there is the occasional drama flare-up at our family table as well, much to my chagrin. Our rule is you have to eat TWO measly bites of whatever you think you don’t like. Sadly for me, there is nothing I don’t like (except Froglegs and I would cheerfully die before amphibian extremity crossed my lips)so it is beyond my comprehension and childhood memories to know what it is to not like something. My offspring do their best to remind me daily.
The big thing around here (at least with Miles) is potato. Unless it’s in the form of a french fry, he’s complaining (although he’s now venturing into they yummy goodness realm that is hash brown potatoes which is a huge step for us). Two bites pal and the faces you are poking are loverly.
My Mia is a chip off the old block except she’s skinny as a rail. She likes pretty much everything we set before her and if she doesn’t, she eats her two bites FIRST and moves on to the good stuff.
So, to answer your question – we practice the two bite rule.
Well, I wanted to comment to lend my support to you, but it took me forever to read all those commments! So, I have nothing to add. Except, my son also did the gag thing and the tears, which was then followed by, yes, the throw up. But we stuck to our guns and we have not had such an episode in a couple of years. And he has to try what we cook and he usually likes it.
I am cracking up at His Singer’s comment (b) gag and/or throw up at the table. I laugh because it is so true, but also because I wonder if I had known that I would NEED that rule with my own child would I have ever had her in the first place? Probably not. And yet I love her to pieces.
We too battle this from time to time. The thing is, it is ALWAYS over something I think is really good. My son can do a good gagging fit over shells and cheese macaroni!!! He likes the cheap reagular kind but if you try to make the good stuff he will throw a fit! He is almost 11 now so I figure I am not gonna chang ehim on that one!!! LOL I usually do make him try a bite of things though.
I have to say, I would have probably handled things just as you did. Our son is a Failure to Thrive child…meaning that he does not eat well, never has, and there is no medical reason why (that the multiple drs we have visited). We enforce a P-Dub’s Suppertime Law type of attitude at the dinner table. He knows that if he does not eat at dinner — he receives nothing afterwards…because he would snack all day long on his terms, and not eat the right food. (which is normal for kids, I know) So, we have to be strict about how much he eats of each item on his plate, and then his treat is something after dinner. It isn’t a fun battle, but it is worth it if he continues to gain weight!
I didn’t take time to read all of your comments before posting…I’m sure you got a variety of responses. My opinion is this: Do not second guess yourself! Children throw large fits sometimes but you know that he wasn’t being hurt by trying a healthy and delicious food. You maintained your ‘mommyship’ in more areas than just food when you stood firm and will have way fewer battles on your hands in the future because of it. I have a 17 y.o who still doesn’t like to eat sweet potato casserole! (crazy huh? :-))But he is not allowed to discuss it with any of his 4 siblings as they are still learning to eat good for you foods. …and he must eat a little of it whenever I cook it (I cook it rarely and opt for plain sweet taters because of his tastes). I think of food as a requirement for good health and certain foods should be eaten…whether liked or not…plus I think children make much nicer guests when they have learned to eat anything without argument.
My mother always said that she wanted us to be able to eat with the riches of kings or the poorest of the poor and never offend anyone…so that whatever God had called us to do would not be hampered by picky eating or poor manners. Just my humble 2.5 cents.. .:-)
A battle of wills, you say? At the dinner table? I probably would have given in, which means you did the right thing. Unless you pulled a Mrs. Trunchbull and made him eat every last bean in the pot.
Most importantly, you didn’t violate your own rule, and you will be glad you didn’t.
I have absolutely no encouraging words for you. My son is almost two and I’m envious that A. will even TRY something, unlike E.
Reading this made me think back to the funniest home video I’ve seen. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBYBV_8Xzh8
Have a blessed day!
This is a hot topic, and one we debate about in our house. Our two oldest, 3 and 2 are polar opposites when it comes to eating. My oldest is the pickiest kid on the earth. We do occasionally make him try different things. And if he doesn’t take a designated amount of bites, then thats it. He gets nothing else. Sometimes, to avoid the battle and when I know he won’t eat what I make, I make him one of his favorites. We also rename foods in the effort to get him to eat it. EVERY meat is Ham since that is all he will eat unless it is a chicken nugget. My middle child will literally eat EVERYTHING you put in front of him. Always is willing to try something new, and then when he finishes his meal, he comes to eat mine. I don’t have a problem finishing my childrens food, I can’t even eat all of mine!
But when I was growing up, my parents had the yuck rule, if we declared Yuck, we got more and had to eat it all. I have some food issues as an adult now, and I don’t want my kids to ever be forced to eat something I myself will not eat. Plus my two boys will eat me out of house and home soon enough!
We have the same laws (eat what is made or be done with no snacks or no complaining and they must try everything on the plate), only we take it one step further. We tell our kids that when they’re trying something new, they must do it with a grateful heart – they cannot gag, make faces or act in a disrespectful manner. Teaching them to appreciate things, especially things they don’t like to have, is good spiritual maturing. They’re going to have to deal with a lot of things they don’t like, and this small gesture may help them to have a praising heart in the midst of discomfort, trials, etc.
Also, we have taught them to thank whoever made dinner, even if it wasn’t a favorite. Gratitude is such a great thing to teach at mealtime, plus it brings an awareness that food doesn’t magically apprear on the table. Time and effort and love when into making that meal and the preparer should be awarded with a thanks for that gesture of care.
And I must tell you, there have been (a very few times) when my son has asked to not eat dinner (after trying a bite of everything) because he didn’t like what was made. He knows that he cannot complain, that it will be morning before he eats again, that he will be very hungry, but we let him make that choice for two reasons: 1) It lets him feel the consequences of his choices and 2) it gives him his own sense of power. We don’t argue over dinner and he’s content to go without. Dinner is not a battle at our place because we all know where things stand.
You did just fine, Boomama. You stay the course and Alex will learn what you want him to learn. Plus, if he’s a good eater, this matter won’t change his eating habits.
We have a rule that you need to at least try one bite of each item, and if you don’t like it, then you can leave the rest. Once you’re “full,” though, you must sit at the table for a few minutes while the rest of the family eats. Dessert is not a reward for good eating….sometimes it’s given, sometimes not. The “clean your plate” rule so many used to use is one of the reason for our nation’s obesity problems, I think. I do not allow snacking, though, once dinner is over if the kids didn’t touch their food at dinner. Yes, they might have gone to bed a tad hungry, but that just means they will eat a REALLY good breakfast the next morning!!
Oh my, I’m adding to my “feel guilty about” list by the minute-
-I do not homeschool.
-I do not bake my own bread.
-I give my kids anitbiotics
-My kids watch some, a little, a tiny bit of TV
and now I can add:
I have not consistantly made my kids taste everything on their plate.
I’m doing the best I know how, but how do these things just not occur to me?!! I think I’ll just blame it on my mother and move on.
Funny post, thanks for the laugh this morning!
I was a single mama for about 3 years when my daughter was very young. I didn’t have time to make 2 meals and so she had to eat what was fixed or go hungry (same as your dinnertime law). She has to take one bite of everything on her plate and if she doesn’t like it after one bite, she doesn’t have to eat it. She, like Alex, discovered a lot of food that she really likes. I have continued with my rule, even now that my daughter is 10. Every now and then, we come across something she cannot stand, but she only has to try one bite. And it is rare that we find something she just cannot eat. I refuse to bend on my one bite rule, because I know too many adults who refuse to eat anything besides chicken tenders and hamburgers, all because they are afraid to try something new. And it’s a pain to the folks around them. And the last thing I want is for my daughter to be a pain.
The P-Dub Law reinforces how we don’t need to recreate the wheel when someone else has already figured it out for us!
I think it’s respectful, firm yet reasonable. I agree with the other comments that allow kids to determine their own “fullness” (and withhold the treats if needed) and reminds us as parents and caretakers that they just may not like what is being served (I can insert my own beef stew memories here).
Manners and respectfulness are still expected, but it’s a wonderful teachable moment to help kids understand that they can “respectfully decline” if needed.
Same rule here, and same desire for our table to be a peaceful place and not battle about food (especially since I have my own food issues that are not pleasant).
Those two desires can seem in opposition to each other, but I’d say out of the 4,000 meals your little man has eaten at the table, one battle here and there is not so shabby.
I found my kids went in stages of fussing, too. Never complained for a year, then spent a week gagging. We’re currently in a non-gagging phase and it is nice. Having said all of that, I’m with Howard and I would have gagged on a bean dish as well. Yuck.
The main rule at our house is that they have to try 1 bite and they have to be polite about refusing whatever food item it is, no ugly faces or gagging noises. My 8 yo is my picky eater, but has gotten much better in the past few years. I don’t have a problem fixing him a sandwich or handing out a cup of yogurt if I’ve fixed something “exotic”. I remember not liking certain things as a child. If I’ve fixed something he has eaten before tho he has to eat it or no alternative choice and no snacking later.
Oh, I have laughed hysterically reading these comments!! :)
You’re doing the right thing BooMama! Hang tough.
Here’s my story. My then 4 yo baby girl, Lauren Paige, would start to cry ON HER WAY TO THE TABLE. Oh, the stress. Imagine 6 others at the table; some laughing, some crying (me), some scorning and one tightening his jaw and preparing for the battle (guess who). After a few weeks of this we decided that we’d better back off so she’d stop fearing the dinner table. All is well now, no more tears on the way to the table and we are back to our regularly scheduled rules. Eat what’s on your plate or go hungry. (remember to be ‘fair’ about how much you serve your little one)
There has already been some great advice given. We don’t make our children clean their plate, but like so many others have said they won’t be getting anything else the rest of the night if they don’t eat a sufficient amount of their dinner. If they don’t like what we are having they don’t have to eat it, but no dessert and I do allow them to have fruit. That is the only extra thing I will let them have if they don’t eat. (My teenager hates fruit, so this is basically punishment to him, but he eats it if he’s hungry enough!)BTW, if he doesn’t eat dinner, but does eat some fruit….still no dessert.
We have strived to make dinner time a good time together. My husband has explained to our children on several occasions that their mother has went to the trouble to prepare a meal for them and they will have the courtesy to me to not make rude comments about what we are eating. Respectfully they comply. It is simple, you have a choice…eat it or don’t, but we do not want to hear about it. We will have good dinner time conversation about our days and our talk will not be consumed with gagging/ whining/ etc. My daughter had to go sit in her bed for a little bit until she decided she could sit with us and not complain. It doesn’t take them long to realize who is in charge if you stick to your guns and then meal time is so pleasant. So far it has worked for us.
I must say there are a couple of foods that we all don’t like, so I do make an exception for those one or two (no more) foods. My son has tried lasagne several times (we called it “pizza in a pan” — he didn’t fall for it!) So on those rare occasions I will let them have a bowl of chicken noodle soup — which they fix and they sit at the table with us and eat their soup while we eat whatever it is we are having.
I think you have to find what works for you, but I don’t believe giving in is helping them in the long run.
My oldest is a picky eater, but not completely horrible. However, he WILL NOT eat ground beef cooked from scratch in any form. The rest of the family CANNOT be held hostage to his tastes, so we deal with it. If I serve a meal that includes ground beef, he has to eat a tiny bite plus his sides, then he can get something else. If he has to choke it down and chase it with large gulps of drink, so be it. But he’s not allowed some exotic replacement; no, he can have peanut butter, cheese, lunchmeat, etc., but I will not ever actually COOK something just for him.
What’s weird is that he used to love ground beef stuff, but around the age of 4, he quit liking it. He said it “choked” him. I think he probably accidentally got choked once at dinner and got a mental block about it thereafter. I don’t even know. It could be just a sensitivity that developed suddenly.
Thankfully, there’s no one right way – we all just do the best we can and hope for the best! :-)
Our dinnertime rule is pretty much “I cook it, you eat it, or you don’t get anything else until breakfast.” I don’t have the time or the money to be a short-order cook. For the most part, we don’t have any mealtime issues, and the kids will eat just about anything, with only one exception. I usually omit the raw tomatoes from my oldest son’s food because he just can’t seem to choke them down, and we’ve tried many times over the years. I think it’s the texture rather than the taste, though, because he’ll eat stewed tomatoes in chili or things like that and has no problem with tomato sauce on pizza or in spaghetti sauce. But we came to the conclusion that he didn’t have to eat them after having him try them over and over again, over a period of years, and I’ll still make him at least try it once in a while now. They make him gag a lot. My two younger kids will try that sometimes, but I know them well enough to be able to tell when it’s a fake gag as opposed to a real danger of vomit. They’re sneaky, but not sneaky enough.
Growing up, I had numerous food battles with my parents. I was forced to sit at the table until everything on my plate was eaten. I sat there for HOURS! I got good at secretly feeding food to my dog, hiding it in my napkin, sneaking it on to the plates of my siblings, etc.
I vowed never to put my child through those battles.
So, here’s how it works in our house. When we sit down for a meal, I put a tiny little bit of everything on Snuggle Bug’s plate. I encourage him to try a bite of everything, which he usually does, but if it’s a veggie he instantly spits it out. He’s boycotting veggies at the moment.
If he doesn’t like something, he doesn’t have to eat it but once he’s done with dinner, that’s usually his last shot at eating. We don’t do snacks before bed.
The only hard and fast dinner rule we have is that Snuggle Bug does not get to leave the table until either I or my husband am done eating.
Of course, every family is different with their rules and that’s okay. I think our own personal experiences as children have a lot to do with our choices as parents.
I try very hard not to make mealtime into a fight. I do not make my son eat more than he wants to, and when he says “May I be excused?”, sometimes I will make him take one more bite and then send him on his way. And then, like you said, dinner is over.
I do make my kid try everything once. If it is something new that he genuinely doesn’t like, I will let him opt out with a PBJ. Also, if I fix something for dinner that Dh and I love, but I know he also genuinely doesn’t like, I will also let him opt out with a PBJ. PBJ is our only opt out option, and only with special circumstances. Still, that loophole in our otherwise strigent dinner rules has saved us lots of grief. I also always try to have at least one thing on the table that I know he will eat.
Also, I will sometimes cave when he has hasn’t eaten any dinner and feed him some crackers or cheese before bed, only because if I don’t, I know from experience that he will be up at 5;30 am saying, “My tummy’s hungry, momma!”
I would rather toss him a cheesestick before bedtime than have him wake me up before sunrise. But that’s just me.
So hard! I think that once they are 2 1/2 or so, they have to eat what is served. I know that with Kyle (3), he is often not hungry at dinner because he’s full of snacks. I try to avoid that, but sometimes we can’t. So, unless I’ve fixed rutabegas covered in moldy hair, knowing that I try to make something that should be able to be consumed by 3 and 9 year old children, they eat what I’ve served or nothing else. I think that fathers are bigger on the “eat!” philosophy than moms. I figure that if they are hungry, they will eat, and if not, they’ll survive 12 hours until breakfast. That’s not to say that there aren’t dinner table battles around here.
We are in the middle of this. With my first daughter, we could enforce the “try one bite” principle and it worked. But now my second daughter is old enough for it to be an issue, and she is insurmountably stubborn. If I tried the same rule for her, every day would be a battle, and I would lose almost every one. This is the same girl who refused to accept anything but the breast, no matter how hungry she was, until she was ten months old.
Stand strong, BooMama! Stand strong.
Pickiness and general rudeness at the table is not allowed at our home. Mostly because it’s like slapping God in the face. Maybe that sounds a little over the top, but it’s true. We have so much in this fine country. God has blessed us with so much. We can at least TAKE A BITE! No pickiness, no complaining — and if you don’t like it, PRETEND! because you’re not getting anything else at this meal.
A lot of life altering dilemmas can be avoided by simple “little” things at the dinner table. Just like you’ve done.
I put quote on “little” because it probably didn’t seem like such a little thing last night. But times like that build the character in children that helps to avoid major critical problems in the teen years.
Keep up the good work!
We absolutely abide by this law. I have so many friends who make their kids whatever they want for their meal and I will NOT do it. I will make one meal and one meal only for dinner. Now lunchtime, I will give the two choices, pbj or ham and cheese…but that is it. My husband made the horrid mistake of telling me once that he did NOT want what I had cooked for dinner…come to find out, his mother asked him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! You have got to be kidding me…needless to say, this rule has gone even further in our house…we actually set a timer and you must finish what you want for your meal by the time the timer goes off (this part is not every night)…if you haven’t finished a set amount by then, there are no additional forms of food the rest of the night. If they have finished set amount, we might allow a snack or treat later. Its very important my children understand they might not always like something when they are at home or at someone else’s house…our other rule is they are NOT allowed to complain at someone elses house and they MUST eat what has been put in front of them!!! I’m a nazi!!!
One thing that has helped us with dinnertime battles is designating specific nights for dessert. In our house, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday nights are when we have dessert. This eliminates the whole “only eating because we’re having dessert tonight” syndrome that we were falling into.
The Kids (ages 7 and 4) also know that there are no snacks between dinner and bed, so if they choose not to eat, they’re gonna get mighty hungry. (However, if they HAVE eaten well and they’re hungry after dinner, I chalk it up to a growth spurt and will let them have something kind of healthy.)
Well I have no kids as of yet however, I can tell you there are major issues with my step-brother and step-sister regarding food. Their parents would cook meals and they would refuse to eat them and instead of standing their ground, they would let them go to the pantry and pick whatever they wanted. I believe they had goldfish more often than not for dinner. Now, one just started college and the other is in high school and they still will only eat a handful of things, all of which are junk. You go out to dinner with them and they will only choose chicken fingers, french fries, occasionally a hamburger or macaroni and cheese. The younger one, the boy, will still cry every now and then if mom or dad try to force him to eat something. If they come over for a party or something they usually put bread, bread, and then some bread on their plates because they won’t eat much else that is offered. So be very glad Alex is not a picky eater and I commend you for standing your ground because I feel bad for the people who have to marry those two.
Wow. I didn’t know we were in such good company. We have always had the rule that 1) you eat what’s in front of you without complaining, and 2) you always take a no-thank-you helping, which can be one bite. And if you don’t, or you complain about it, then DAD gives you your no-thank-you helping. (evil grin)
There are two corollaries: 1) mom will do her best to make the food tasty, and 2) we will not give you more than you can eat and then insist that you do.
Our youngest is now sixteen and all four of our kids eat well. They even thank us (!) for making them eat when they were younger. (I guess it really does happen….)
Here’s my two cents’ worth about food rules: It’s not about food. It’s about control. A child learns quickly where mom and dad will back down– at the store to prevent an embarrassing incident? at the table to avoid starvation? If parents win the food fight, it sets the stage for good behavior in other areas.
So, in my opinion, good job– you’re doing great.
We have a similar law at our house, but we instituted it around age 3 with Camden, and will do the same with Logan. If Camden doesn’t want to eat a reasonable amount of the food that’s offered at dinner, if he’s “too full” or if he just thinks it’s “yucky,” that’s fine, but no more food until the next morning. There have been times when he has upped the drama quotient, but I do my best (not always successfully) to stay calm and to patiently say, “You know the deal.”
We have the “no thank you” bite. They must always take a bite and if they don’t want it, there must be a “No thank you” to follow. We’ve actaully had some gagging and throwing up after the “not thank you bite”. But we’ve also had some meals gone because of it! You go girl.
Bless your heart. Isn’t mommy guilt the worst? I always feel worse after battling with my kids – if my emotions got out of control! It’s sometimes hard to remain calm and clear-thinking.
It looks like you’ve gotten lots of good advice. I’m not sure if this has been mentioned – my SIL tells her kids they must give it a try. If they don’t like it, they can have a salad. I’m telling you, those kids are great eaters and LOVE them some salad!! It’s really impressive.
I am with all the “try one bite” moms. That’s what we did, and I always told my kids that their tastebuds would change and they might like something today that they didn’t last week! I would try not to dig in my heels, though, because you don’t want to make a memory that will last forever. I would always make the point that something they didn’t like now, they probably would like when they got a little more “grown up.” I wanted them to have the idea that most grownups liked almost all foods, or at least could eat them without a scene! I am happy to report that both of my children, ages 16 and 20, are fine eaters!