Right now I’m re-reading To Kill A Mockingbird, as I do almost every spring. In simple terms, it is my very favorite book in the history of all time ever. That’s a pretty fancy critique, isn’t it? Anyway, yesterday I came across one of my favorite lines from the book, which occurs when Jem recounts Miss Maudie’s reply to his offer of chewing gum: “…she said no thanks, that – chewing gum cleaved to her palate and rendered her speechless.”
Now y’all, that’s Southern.
I was thinking about Jem’s comment this morning, and it reminded me that I have never seen my very own mama chew a stick of gum. I’ve seen her tear the teensiest piece off the end of a stick of Doublemint and chew that, but a whole stick of gum? Forget it. Sister and Stacy will vouch for me on this one.
Mama has never used Miss Maudie’s explanation to justify why she doesn’t chew gum, but she definitely has her own little Southern eccentricities. And I got a little tickled when I started thinking about them.
1) She has never, to my knowledge, worn blue jeans. Or any denim, for that matter, with the exception of a blue chambray dress that came with a matching jacket.
2) She always, always wears pantyhose. And I’m fairly certain that she’s never worn a pair of pants to church.
3) She cooks three hot meals a day. Three. hot. meals. Every day. Every. single. day.
4) If she goes to the grocery store, she will have on her make-up, and she will be wearing an outfit. You can bank on it.
5) She won’t drink out of plastic because it “burns her lips.” By the same token, she will not use an insulated coffee mug. She says they taste like metal. So only china or crystal for her.
6) For the first eighteen years of my life, I never ate off of a paper plate, because Mama would not buy them. We used china at every single meal. Period.
7) Until I was around eleven years old, I did not know that cake mixes existed. EVERYTHING Mama baked was from scratch. Still is.
And then there’s my mother-in-law, about whom I could write a novel or nine, as her distinctly Southern qualities know no bounds. To wit, here are some of her more amusing Southern-centrities:
1) She does not know how to fill up her car with gasoline. When she comes to visit and actually drives herself (which has happened approximately four times in nine years of marriage), she can’t make the return trip home until David follows her to the gas station and fills up her car.
2) As far as I know, she has never washed her own hair. She has a standing appointment with Betty every Friday at 10:00, and I am still convinced that for Martha the worst part of Hurricane Katrina was that Betty’s shop was without power and therefore Martha could not get her weekly wash and set.
3) When she was eighteen and about to leave for college, her daddy offered her a car. She refused it because she didn’t like the make and model. She rode the bus to and from college instead. Oh yes she did.
4) She is the only person I’ve ever known who eats two Pringles and considers that a serving. On the rare occasions when she eats a sandwich, she will open up the Pringles, take out two, and eat only those two. She has hang-ups about how women should have dainty appetites, but I double-dog dare you to get in between her and a Krispy Kreme donut.
5) She feels certain tasks are impossible for her (in addition to filling up the car with gasoline). Some of those impossible tasks would include changing lightbulbs, setting clocks, resetting odometers, and participating in any form of do-it-yourself project.
6) She will not use a hammer. Southern women, in Martha’s mind, don’t swing at anything.
7) She cannot sit down for a meal in a restaurant without saying the following: “These portions! I’ve never seen such large portions! Have you ever? I mean, I just can’t imagine anyone eating such a large portion!” Then she eats her three bites of food and sits there until the waiter comes back, at which point she says, “These portions! I’ve never seen such large portions! Have you ever? I mean, I just can’t imagine anyone eating such a large portion!”
And in case you were wondering, I’ve never seen Martha chew gum, either. Or wear jeans, unless it was “this cute little denim jacket that I got at Steinmart, and it was just darlin’, just darlin’, but I didn’t really like the way the embroidery – see, there’s embroidery all across the front of it but it’s floral so you know it’s real cute, REAL cute – only I didn’t like the way the embroidery came down over the buttons on the cuffs, so I got my friend who alters things for me, well, you know the one who used to alter things for me died and I was just sad, just so sad about that but I had to find someone else because nothing fits me straight out of the store because my shoulders are so narrow and everything I put on just flops straight down over my shoulders so I got the alterations lady to re-do the cuffs for me and now the jacket is just adorable and I love to wear it with my new red pants, you know the ones that I got at McRae’s on sale, only of course they didn’t fit me right off the rack, and that reminds me of the time that Barbara Walker found a lampshade she really liked at Fred’s, because you know her house burned….”
Happy Wednesday, everybody. Y’all come back now! Ya hear?
Yes, I can honestly say that we ate off china every meal and my wife’s family always eats off paper plates at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I told them I could not eat off paper plates anymore because we always used china growing up and I could tell my parents had their noses turned up when they came for holidays. Needless to say the last Thanksgiving and Christmas meals were held in my home. Complete with Sterling and China just like I had growing up. I remember when I had to beg in the 10th grade to get bluejeans and mother would not get them because she said we could afford better clothing. She thought bluejeans were common. I still don’t wear them and i think about that everytime I see em.
Now THAT was an education on Southern Ladies! I had no idea that some of my stereotypes were quite so real. ;-)
I am about as Southern as it gets, but styrofoam and plastic are my friends, LOL. And I think it is inbred in some Southern women (especially the beauty shop set) to breathe through their ears or take in oxygen through their skin. How else could they rattle off those 5 minute no punctuation sentences? ;)
Like Mama, Like Daughter…
I don’t have any paper plates in my home, either.
Unlike Mama,, I don’t cook.
I’m looking for a cutey-cute denim jacket that’s just the right sleeve length (you know, the arms on those jackets are just so long, the arms on those jackets are just so long!) for Martha. I’m looking for Martha! :)
Oh, that was my much needed howl for the day. At some point, we MUST discuss why O feels that plastic “burns her lips.” (I can’t even type that w/o laughing.)
Stacy – your first sentence made me laugh out loud. And Addie, this stuff would be funny if it weren’t so true. Believe me – five minutes in a room with my mother-in-law (who would adore you right away and immediately want to know everything about your entire family), and you would know just how accurate my description is.
When I first lived on my own, I used to STOCK UP on plastic cups just because I could, but now I use “real” glasses pretty much all the time. I do keep paper plates for Alex. I happily confess that I have not had on a pair of pantyhose since 2001, though I do love tights in the wintertime. And I will have to write another post solely based on Mama’s and Martha’s ineptitude with electronics. Martha has the same 6 CD’s in her car CD player that D put in there when she bought the car four years ago. No joke. Daph, I can’t explain the plastic lip-burning thing, but I always ask Mama if it’s still the case, and she always says, “OH, heavens yes.”
Your Mama is a woman after my own heart. OH! I wish that I was more like her.
I just had to leave a note before emailing my friend Melanie and telling her that she must immediately check out this blog entry. It sounds so much like my hometown that I can’t believe it. My mother has never been away from the house without make-up and an outfit (believe me, there are no separates in her closet). In fact, at their lake house, my dad shot her in the hand with the pressure washer and she was mortified to have to go to the emergency room without makeup even though she knows NO ONE in the whole county besides her next door neighbors! A riot I tell ya!
Once again. I’m late on finding this, but thank you Sweet Lord and Baby Jesus.
I followed your link from today’s blog and found this. And now, I understand my dear Grandmother so much more. I believe that each and every point was written about her.
I followed as well…now I understand my Grams a little better. She’s definitely not Southern but is she is just from that time period where you don’t go out unless your “dolled up” and no jeans, etc. I might have to ask her if she really was born in the South instead of Ohio? Great post – I moved from Ohio to Texas so this taught me a lot. Love your blog!! :-)
OH, oh, I can’t stop laughing. Thank you, dear. Thank you!
Lordy Mabel full of Mondays! I always thought my grandmother was eccentric- now, I just see that’s the way it is :) My mutha’s was a chawld of the 50’s – and not quite so ladaylike in hu’ endevahs. She (gasp, hand over the mouth) went to Hollywood to be (eyes rolled and head a-swayin’) an ACT-ress. In them picture shows. Can you imagine?
But, I Was brought up to write thank you notes, and can pour a mean, but propa’ cup o’ tea for the queen, if called upon.
This cracked me up … I so miss home.
Your mama and MIL sound like a hoot. However, I am of those who will not dare go to the store without a shower, my hair fixed, makeup on, and an acceptable ensemble. My husband, mother, sister…you name it think it’s hilarious. I guess that’s one thing I have in common with them.
However we use plastic cups and paper plates way too much, I dont remember the last time I wore a dress or skirt or pantyhose.
I love reading these posts about your mama/MIL. Too funny!