You Want Southern? I Got Your Southern Right Here.

Last night Alex specifically requested that his daddy give him a bath; I suspect it’s because his daddy does much better than I do at playing along with submarine excursions and Rescue Heroes’ missions and other tub-time games that make little boys feel better when they’re under the weather.

So because D had bathtime well under control, I was a completely captive audience when my mother-in-law called about two minutes after Alex hopped in the tub. Usually Martha manages to catch me right about the time that I’m simultaneously trying to cook supper, feed the dogs, and convince Alex that he needs to walk as opposed to stomp when he passes through the dining room since the sound of all that china rattling makes his mama a might bit nervous and all, but last night Martha timed it just right. Since Alex was occupied, I had nothing to do but sit in front of the fire and talk. Or listen, as it were.

And I promise y’all: if there were some way that I could have recorded her (with permission, of course), I would’ve done it in a heartbeat and then posted it here, because there is absolutely no way the written form can adequately capture or convey what it’s like to listen to my mother-in-law. She is a conversational force of nature, more Southern than anyone I’ve ever known in my life, and completely capable of covering multitudes of topics in a ten minute time span. And there’s no doubt about it: between inheriting Martha’s genetic make-up as well as mine, Alex’s gene pool is brimming with some very! excited! DNA! from two different families, thereby guaranteeing that he’ll spend the rest of his days experiencing unbridled enthusiasm over, well, absolutely everything.

At least that’s what I tell myself when he’s clapping for the packages of frozen corn in the grocery store.

So last night when Martha realized that I was going to be able to talk without distractions, she was delighted! just delighted! and I had no more said, “What’s been going on with you?” before this is what I heard:

“Well, today I went to the beauty parlor, and afterwards I went to Save Rite, you know the grocery store that’s where Sack and Save used to be? Well, they had some ground beef on sale and I was finishing up at the check out when I ran into that cute little girl D went to high school with, you know the one who married the fireman named oh, I can’t think of his name but her name is oh, what is her name? She’s darlin’, just darlin’, looks just like she did in high school but I can’t think of her name, but I know she’s a nurse and works at the hospital, I mean she’s not in the towers with the offices or anything but works in the actual hospital and does a lot of the bloodwork for Dr. Jones?”

“Missy?” I said.

“OH yes, yes it’s Missy, that’s exactly who it is, and she gave me an email address to give to D. because she said she’d just lost touch with him altogether and would just love to hear from him and now get a pen so you can write this down; you’ll have to help me a little bit because you know I won’t know what I’m reading but this is what she wrote down so do you have a pen?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Okay. It’s [random series of letters] and then it’s ‘at,’ only you don’t write the word ‘a-t’ you make an ‘a’ instead and then you put one of those little swirlies around it? You know the little swirlies? That sort of go ‘whoosh’ right around that ‘a’? And then what she has next is something like a-o-l-dot-com, would that make sense? Would that be right for the email address? I mean, she just wants D to have it so he can send her the email.”

“Yes ma’am, that makes sense.”

“Well I mean I was in sort of a hurry because I’d just left the beauty parlor and we were standing in the parking lot and it was misting and my hair was falling and getting flatter by the second but she did say that she would love to hear from y’all and didn’t even know that you were living where you’re living or that you have a little boy but I just couldn’t talk much longer, I just couldn’t, because, well, my hair.”

“Oh, yes ma’am.”

“But now I did get to go to Steinmarts last week with MA and M and do you know we couldn’t find anything? We looked and looked but of course they weren’t expecting their spring lines until this week and really all they had were separates, I just don’t think they hardly even carry dresses anymore, and what I really wanted was a pretty three-piece pantsuit, maybe something in a sort of periwinkle? I mean I’d take lilac or a steel blue or maybe even sort of a cornflower blue but I just think periwinkle would be so pretty, but they didn’t have anything like that there, and M did find a cute little vest that had sort of a leopard print pattern on the vest and the collar was fur, well I mean of course it was a fake fur, a fake fur, but it was absolutely adorable and I’m so glad she found it but I didn’t get a thing. And I looked at Belk’s earlier in the week and they just didn’t have anything, and finally I went to the manager and said, ‘Look at me. Do you see anything in this store that I could wear? Because I don’t see anything for a woman who’s petite and a little older,’ and he tried to tell me that they have some lovely things, but I said, ‘Look around at the clerks who are my age. Do you see anything they could wear? Because everything is just for someone much younger than I am, and I do wish y’all would carry the Pursuits line. Everybody in this town just loved the Pursuits line when this was McRae’s, and it washed well and wore well and held up well.’ But then he told me that Pursuits was a private line for McRae’s, and doesn’t that just figure, because I just loved it, I loved it!”

“I liked the Pursuits stuff, too,” I replied.

“OH, I know, we all did, and of course they don’t carry that anymore and really everybody that I know is shopping at Dillard’s, even though they hardly ever have sales, but do you know I got a $65 jacket there for $15? And then the next day I went back and they had an extra 50% off and I got a jacket for $12? So when you hit a sale you can do really well but the problem is that they just don’t have sales nearly as often as Belk’s, but what good is a sale if there’s nothing there that I want to buy?”

And that was just the first eight minutes, my friends. We talked for almost half an hour, but if I attempted to transcribe the rest I would no doubt find myself at the hospital tomorrow in dire need of treatment for carpal-tunnel syndrome. Suffice it to say that the conversation with Martha was the absolute highlight of my day.

Also: one time, many years ago, Martha called D to tell him that he had received a UPS package from Amazon-Dot-C-Zero-M.

You really can’t help but love her.

Thank you and good night.

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Comments

  1. I love, love, love your Martha stories. I’m from/in Arkansas and I can hear all of it so clearly in my head. :)

  2. Unlimited long distance -$ 34.99

    Conversations like this – PRICE.LESS

    And man, I miss me some Belks and Steinmarts shopping. I really do.

  3. All I can say is, “I miss McRae’s!”

  4. I love hearing stories about your family. They always remind me of mine. Us true Southern girls always recognize our own. Thanks for always bringing a smile to my face.

  5. I was born in south Texas, lived my whole life in south Arkansas, my daughter attends college in Hotlanta (Atlanta, Ga to the uninitiated)…and I now live in Kentucky. (and NO, it is NOT the south as they would have you believe….’cause we are NORTH of the Mississippi!)
    But anywayyyyys…….I love it. Martha and I would get along famously…and talk each other’s ears off.
    Steinmart, Dillard’s, now I have a Belk’s, Elder Bierman…..oh yes!
    Tell her to find a Goody’s. They have a great “mature” line and generally have nice sales.

    GRITS…..gotta’ love us!

  6. My head hurts…but my funny bone is tickled! Have mercy, there ain’t no such thing as keepin’ up with Mah-tha, you just have to hang on for the ride as best you can!

    Arkansas and Mississippi being close neighbors I know plenty of Marthas, God love ’em.

    Have a great weekend, BooMama. :-)

  7. I love love loved this! I always wanted to be a southern woman and wear a big hat and talk like that. Unfortunately, I am a Northerner and we don’t have nearly as much fun.

  8. Martha sounds just like all my relatives. She sounds a lot like my mam-ma (the ultimate southern woman) did only mam-ma talked a lot slower. But she always wore lipstick and had her “ear bobs” on – even in the nursing home. I loved that about her. She accessorized to the very end!

  9. It’s music to my ears! Music to my ears! It’s just music to my ears!

    I hope Martha knows that this Friday Steinmarts(s) has an additional 20% off of their clearance items. There’s nothing like a good sale! Nothing like a good sale! There’s just nothing like it! :)

  10. I just can not stop laughing! Thanks for sharing this. Yes, I did read every word!

  11. Phyllis R. says:

    Between you, Sister, and of course, Miss Martha, I’m so full of love for my southern roots. Thank you for sharing Miss Martha will all of us.

    And you, of all people know why it could NEVER, EVER be just “Martha”…oh no ma’am, it could not. Miss (but never, ever Ms.!!) precedes ALL our elders’ first names. Amen.)

  12. Oh this is too much! I am totally inspired to tell “Pop and Ollie” stories now. (Great-grandparents…Georgian no less) Just started blogging not too long ago and hello, can a girl go anywhere without finding your link? Your fame is well-deserved..you are a hoot!

  13. You know, we might be long lost sisters in law, because I could have that conversation with my mother very easily.

    DH is still chuckling at amazon.c0m.

  14. Thanks for sharing your Martha stories. I love them all.

  15. Oh my! I do think I would love her because *honestly* she reminds me of my mom. I can’t even tell you how much! Your Martha stories always make me smile. : )

  16. What *I* love most is your repeated “Yes Ma’am.” Because out here in the wild liberal west, you just don’t hear that. Ever. Would you believe it? And *especially* not from a “grown up.” When I was fifteen and would come home from our Alabama visits with a few more syllables added to each word, “yes ma’am”-ing to my elders and replying “Ma’am?” when spoken to by my mama… I was made fun of. Sad, I know…

    But that “Martie,” she sure makes me smile.

  17. I love your stories! Thanks for sharing. I’ve been reading your site for a while…probably haven’t commented until now. We have a Steinmart’s – I like their household deco stuff, but not so much the clothes.

  18. I needed some Maaatha today.

    That “a” with the swirls that go whoosh!? Precious.

  19. Oh, Boomama, that could have easily been a conversation I would have had with my mama. There’s nothing like the way a southern woman says “MY HAIR”. Somehow, they get an extra syllable inbetween the “A” and the “I”. Priceless.

  20. I think we share the same mother-in-law. I was with mine last night and my ears are still swollen.
    Love your stories!

  21. This was great! How do you ever keep your composure on the phone. I guess you have years of experience. I was rolling off my chair just reading.

  22. Oh my good heavens, you really do just HAVE to love her. She is precious! And, you know, I’m so proud of her because she knows it is “dot” and not “period,” and really, what is more sophisticated than that?

    Delightful, just delightful.

  23. I went into Steinmarts the other day to replace the wallet that was so rudely stolen out of my purse, and all I could do was giggle the whole way in thinking about your family and Steinmarts and walmarts.

  24. I’m speechless, which evidently means I’m not as Southern as I’d thought.

    You could rent Martha out :)

  25. she sounds so special!

  26. My mother-in-law, who is neither Southern, nor a lady, would have talked for at least an hour! And although it would have been a very similar converstation, it would have been heavily peppered with expletives and name calling! Thanks for sharing yours, she’s so much more pleasant!

  27. If you wrote a book about Martha, I would go buy it off of Amazon dot c ZERO m.

  28. you call your MIL ma’am?

    *starts humming ‘ a whole new world’ under her breath*

  29. LOL! I just love me some Ma-tha stories! No Steinmart here but maybe next month, eh?

  30. You are a total riot!! I love your blog! Found you through Amanda Jones’ blog and also LPM.

    Your blog is amazing, by the way!

  31. Hubby’s grandma just got a computer so she can keep in touch better and read our blog. I know we have many interesting conversations about the internet in store!

  32. But at least you don’t really have to focus on the conversation. (Not that you don’t want to, but when you are cooking dinner, bathing a child or what have you sometimes mindless chatter is easier).

  33. Rocks in my Dryer says:

    You must, one of these days, find a way to let us hear one of these calls. In a non-tacky, legal way, of course.

  34. I can’t tell you how much I love your Martha stories!! Who needs a semi-dark-but-I-love-them-anyway Eudora Welty short story to experience the South when I can read you??

    BTW, when are you going to get a more ACCURATE sub-title, and let me have yours? :)

    Jill

  35. QUICK, grab a pen and I’ll give you my sister’s number! She LOVES to talk on the phone. She must have some Southern in the blood somewhere.

    Loved your story!

  36. Boo,
    My mother-in-law passed away 2 years after I came into the family. After reading this it made me wish I had had the time to get to know her. I love the way you bring everyday events to life. Thanks. Cindy

  37. MERCY!

  38. Good ol’ “Old Martie.” Made my day. I’m forwarding this post to “New Marti.”