I have never been a candy / mint / gum person. It’s just never been my thing. I mean, I love me some chocolate and all, but I’ve never really made a habit of surrounding myself with all manner of Starburst and Altoids and Extra and whathaveyou.

Brownies? Yes.

Oatmeal cookies? Sure.

Sweet Tarts? Not so much.

However.

A couple of years ago I discovered the best gum with the worst name: Stride. And while I’m never going to be somebody who chews gum all day long, I developed a fondness for the dark blue Stride. It’s not anything I carry in my purse at all times, but it’s definitely my gum of choice.

Even still, I really didn’t understand why some people would leave the grocery store with 12 packs of gum or 4 bags of gummy worms or 14 tins of Altoids. The appeal of the candy aisle was sort of lost on me.

For the record, the appeal of the potato chips aisle was never, ever lost on me. Oh no ma’am. Not for one second.

Just rest in the peace of knowing that.

But one day this past fall – when I was in an airport, I think – an impulse purchase at a newspaper stand changed my life forever.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

FOR-EV-ER.

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why the Icebreakers have a hold on me in a way that Altoids never did. I don’t know why I start to feel anxious when my stash runs low and WHAT IF I RUN OUT? I don’t know why their minty freshness delights me. I don’t know what “flavor crystals” are.

But one thing I know for sure: the Icebreakers and I are in this thing for the long haul. Apparently there was a mint-sized hole in my heart that only they could fill. And now – AND NOW – my life is complete. At least as far as candy is concerned. Which, granted, is probably the least important area of personal fulfillment. But still.

So, people of the interweb – what’s your “long haul” candy? Do you have a favorite?

I spent a substantial portion of yesterday afternoon watching a combination of HGTV and Food Network, and for reasons completely unknown to me, looking at all those different houses and kitchens made me think about the way I do certain things in my house. You know, things like how I slice an onion or how I stack my dishes or how I fold my fitted sheets or how I don’t wash my windows, well, EVER.

Never underestimate the power of home- and/or cooking-related television programming to inspire a serious bout of housekeeping inferiority, my friends. Beats anything I’ve ever seen.

And honestly, I don’t really feel that inferior. But I do think that I may do a few household-related things in a way that’s more complicated than necessary OR that’s just flat-out different from the norm.

So, as part of a deeply informal and completely unscientific surveying process, I have a few random questions for you, the people of the interweb.

1) How many days a week are you completely caught up on laundry?

2) When you load your dishwasher, do you load the silverware basket with handles down or handles up?

3) FINALLY – can you make up recipes off the top of your head? Or do you have to follow a recipe somebody else has written?

Clearly THE FATE OF THE FREE WORLD hinges on your answers.

So, you know, NO PRESSURE.

My crazy and I will be anxiously awaiting your responses.

1. Walked in guest room. Decided the nightstands needed dusting.

2. On way out of guest room, determined that two nightstands were too much in a smallish space.

3. Turned around, cleared off one nightstand, picked it up and carried it into another bedroom.

4. Vowed to return to that bedroom once dusting was finished and find the perfect spot for the nightstand in its new location.

5. Walked to the laundry room. Secured dust rag and Pledge.

6. Headed back into guest room. Contemplated rearranging all the furniture.

7. Started moving the bed. Immediately noticed the bed looked weird.

8. Looked under the bed. Saw that part of the frame had come undone.

9. Determined that mattress and box springs needed to be moved so that frame could be fixed.

10. Wrestled with mattress and box springs for approximately 15 minutes.

11. Strained – and this is just an estimation – seventy two different muscles in my lower back.

12. Walked outside and begged husband for help.

13. Stood in doorway of guest room looking useless while husband fixed the bed frame.

14. With help of husband, put mattress and box springs back on the bed.

15. Made up bed. Couldn’t remember what led me to that room in the first place.

16. Oh, yes. THE DUSTING.

17. Decided that I would dust just as soon as I vacuumed the rug in the foyer.

18. But not until I played some Connect Four with the kindergartner.

19. Won four out of the five Connect Four games. NOT THAT I WAS KEEPING SCORE.

20. Vacuumed foyer rug.

21. Remembered that I was supposed to be dusting.

22. Heard phone beep.

23. Found phone and answered text.

24. Checked email since I was standing next to the computer.

25. Saw an email with some pictures I’d been waiting for.

26. Wrote a blog post since I’d gotten the pictures I needed.

27. Fixed a snack for the boy. And one for me, too.

28. Folded a load of clothes.

29. Put away clothes and decided that half bath had to be cleaned immediately.

30. Scoured the half bath with Mr. Clean.

31. Decompressed from bathroom cleaning unpleasantness by playing a round of Fuzion Frenzy.

32. Felt renewed sense of motivation and purpose after decisive Fuzion Frenzy win.

33. Walked back in the guest room.

34. Cleared old magazines and books off the nightstand.

35. Dusted the dadgum nightstand approximately three and a half hours after the whole process began.

But I have to say that now? That nightstand? Is SPOTLESS.

And that is understandable, especially given my efficiency.

In the past I’ve made no secret of the fact that birds sort of terrify me, what with my ongoing irrational belief that their primary objective in life is to swoop down out of the sky and yank a vein out of my neck.

I mean, have y’all ever read that short story called “The Birds”? And did you notice the fact that THEY DON’T MESS AROUND?

But ever since our last beach trip – the one where I took pictures of birds and lived to tell about it – I’ve grown a little more attached to birds. And I’ve especially grown more fond of products that feature birds, because when birds are inanimate they cannot in fact put me in any kind of grave physical danger, and quite frankly I appreciate the mental and emotional comfort that their lifelessness affords.

I’m sure that in some way my bird fascination is connected with a trend that I refer to as the decorative resurgence of the owl (a phrase that I’ve grown to adore and, I might add, overuse annoyingly). But owl accessories are everywhere, people. And they’re DARLIN’. So you can put that little tidbit in your pipe and just hooty-hoot-hoot all the way home.

(I just mixed about four different metaphors, by the way.)

(In case you’re keeping score at home.)

Anyway, over the last couple of weeks I’ve channeled my growing aviary affection into a couple of lively Etsy searches, and OH, the cuteness that I’ve discovered. In fact, a few days ago I thought that if I ever have another baby I might even decorate a nursery with a bird theme, despite my concern that I’d wander into the hypothetical nursery in a sleep-deprived state and somehow a sweet little robin in a mural would suddenly look more like a predatory hawk, and I don’t really think it’s comforting for a hypothetical infant to hear a hypothetically exhausted woman screaming at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night and then falling underneath a hypothetical crib in a completely spastic version of stop, drop and roll.

So let’s scratch that hypothetical bird-themed nursery idea. Let’s just focus on Etsy birdie cuteness instead:

- This wallet
- This purse
- This print
- This print (SO tempted to order this one for myself)
- This tote bag

See? Aren’t the birds adorable?

And by the way: did I mention that owls are in the midst of a decorative resurgence?

I seriously can’t get that phrase out of my head.

Now do have a lovely Tuesday.

Today, as one of my 54 errands (that number is merely an approximation and may not be completely accurate), I had to return a few things to Old Navy.

And because I am apparently surrounded by a powerful magnetic force field, not one but two cash registers just up and quit working while I was trying to make my returns.

So while the check-out counter turned in to Troubleshooting Central, Land of No Working Registers, I ambled around the store a bit.

And I saw these adorable pants. FIFTEEN DOLLARS. OVER HALF OFF.

These, too. FIFTEEN DOLLARS.

And while supplies are a little limited online, there were lots of sizes in my store. I bet there are lots of sizes in your store, too.

Finally, it was only by the power of the Holy Spirit that I was able to walk out of the store and leave these shoes behind. So I would really appreciate it if one of you would buy them and I could live vicariously through your cute shoe purchase.

Thank you.

And carry on.