All righty, everybody. I’ll go ahead and warn you that I’m going to update this post an obnoxious amount while the pageant is on, so between my wordiness and incoming comments, we’re all going to have to refresh the page from time to time.

I know. It’s not exactly a fancy plan, but it’ll do, hopefully.

See y’all in a few minutes!

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As a point of order, I would just like to mention that I washed my face a few minutes ago but was so excited that I forgot to put on moisturizer. So I made it back to the TV in time for the pageant, but my face is now about to crack open. MISS AMERICA IS WORTH THE SACRIFICE.

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Oh, wait – I am unfamiliar with this off-site introductory business. I LOVE MISS ARKANSAS (“called a hog”). These puns are magnificent.

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I think the Las Vegas Visitors’ Bureau had a say in how the introductions are done. And yes, Miss Idaho totally called herself “a hot potato.” Also: I was unaware that Marky Mark is a sweet treat. But BREAK IT DOWN, GIRLS, with the dance moves.

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I know I’m partial, but Miss Mississippi looks fantastic. And listen – all these old-school opening statements (“having fun is always the Maine event,” “from the home state of Nike, here tonight to Just Do It”) are making me clap my hands.

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God bless Chris Harrison. He really is a perfect host, don’t y’all think?

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There’s a Head Judge? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!?!

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Top 15 is silly, but nonetheless, we have Miss Oklahoma, Miss South Carolina, Miss Florida, Miss New York, Miss Iowa, Miss Texas (WHO IS DARLIN’), Miss Virginia, Miss Illinois (“There she creates, there she gives”), Miss Arizona, Miss Alabama (YAAAAAAAAY!), Miss Tennessee (WHO IS ALSO DARLIN’), Miss Wisconsin, (COMMERCIAL BREAK), Miss North Carolina, Miss California (sidenote: I don’t really need for my Miss America to be edgy, nor do I want her to manipulate the media, but I understand that I am old), and Miss Louisiana.

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OH MY WORD THE SWIMSUITS.

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You know what I’d love? A good production number.

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This is sort of like watching The Hills if The Hills took place on a really big stage. With crowns.

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Swimsuit competition? I miss those old one-pieces that looked like they were made of vinyl. And looking at all these six-pack abs reminds us that I’ve got some pimento cheese in the refrigerator. I think I’ll go make me a sandwich.

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I miss the three-point turn.

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I think it might lead to some ish-ahs if you’re eliminated right after the swimsuit competition.

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Three blondes left. The hair color tide, it is a-turnin’.

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Now that is just mean. For girls to have to line up behind the girl they want to stay? OH MY WORD SO MEAN.

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I just said this when I replied to an email, but clearly that whole “stand behind the girl you want to save” thing was designed by a man. A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN A GIRL IN JUNIOR HIGH.

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Dear Miss Illinois: You are gorgeous, but Miss America does not use the phrase “sex appeal.” And I LOOOOOVE Miss South Carolina’s gown.

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Dear Miss Texas: Your gown is perfection.

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A Person Who Shall Remain Unnamed just texted me and said, “Alabowma.” SO GOOD. And I thought everybody looked gorgeous in evening gown, by the way.

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Y’all? Is she dancing to a Prince song?

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Talent: Miss Arizona (cute routine, strange music), Miss Illinois (maybe not the most difficult routine, but certainly better than I could do, you know, EVER), Miss Oklahoma (IRISH STEP DANCE, AMEN), but I’m having a hard time concentrating on the talents because I’m obsessed with the strange facts and can’t stop thinking about how Miss Illinois is AFRAID OF WINDMILLS.

SHE’S AFRAID OF WINDMILLS.

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Miss Texas (very talented at piano as well as her ability to sit gracefully in a dress with a slit cut up to her hip), Miss Wisconsin (some opera something or other), Miss New York (oh, this is my kind of Miss America vocal, yes ma’am), Miss Louisiana (it’s like an Ann Margret number in toe shoes – I don’t mind it – and she ALMOST SWALLOWED A DIAMOND), Miss Tennessee (bonus points for singing something from Cats in Italian), Miss Iowa (You Raise Me Up – a crowd pleaser), Miss California (appears to be LEGIT as far as her ballet skillz are concerned; her interpretation of the black swan was very EDGY, I have to say). :-)

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My prediction for Top 5: Texas, Louisiana, Tennessee, California, Oklahoma – what do y’all think?

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Top 5, for real: Wisconsin, Oklahoma, Arizona, New York, California (I’VE NEVER BEEN LESS ACCURATE). In my humble opinion, Miss Texas and Miss Louisiana should’ve been in the Top 5.

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4th Runner-Up – Miss California
3rd Runner-Up – Miss Arizona
2nd Runner-Up – Miss New York
1st Runner-Up – Miss Oklahoma
Miss America – Miss Wisconsin

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Well, that was just so fun! More fun! It was just so much fun!

Thanks, y’all, for being the best commenters in the whole wide ever. I had the best time with y’all!

(I still can’t believe Texas and Louisiana weren’t Top 5.)

(I’ll try to get over it.)

(‘Night, everybody!)

Tonight about 7:55 central I’ll set up a post for our Miss America festivities. I’ll probably do a live blogging-type thing and update the post throughout the pageant. Y’all can take over the comments, and I’ll jump in there from time to time, too. I think the easiest way to talk back and forth is via the “reply” button, but posting a regular ole comment will work just fine, too.

One last thing. This will all be in good fun, so, like I said before the Miss Mississippi viewing party, let’s please be mindful that somebody’s mama or cousin or great-aunt Ethel could stop by and read what we say. In other words: let’s do our very best not to say anything hurtful. These girls are darlin’.

See y’all later tonight!

When I was in college, Emma Kate had a little TV/VCR combo that sat right underneath the window in our room at the Chi O house (oh, that TV/VCR was the HEIGHT of technology back in the day). At the time I had a slight obsession with taping my favorite shows and then watching them over and over again. so I’m surprised that I didn’t wear the TV/VCR slap out with my repeated viewings of Moonlighting, Saturday Night Live and Designing Women. I watched all three shows so often that I pretty much committed most of the episodes to memory (is that pathetic? please don’t tell me it was pathetic. IT WAS MY HOBBY.)

This past Saturday morning I was checking “the Facetime,” as my husband calls Facebook (and we thought it was really funny and clever until there was actually, you know, something called Facetime, at which point his nickname for the Facebook became a smidge confusing), and a college friend of mine had posted a scene from Designing Women that I’d totally forgotten about. Watching it made me miss the show like crazy, and it made me think of all the hours I fast forwarded and rewound similar moments on EK’s TV/VCR.

It’s a TV memorial stone, people. A TV MEMORIAL STONE.

Now I would be remiss if I didn’t follow up by saying that I have seen some lovely Miss Maines and Miss Vermonts in my time – but Suzanne Sugarbaker’s take on things cracked me up. It also reminded me of one of my all-time favorite DW memories (and I have a LOT of favorite DW memories). It’s such a classic.

It’s Miss America week, y’all.

Giddy up.

This past Friday I was supposed to have my wisdom tooth removed, but since I didn’t realize that the person driving me home (which was, you know, my husband) had to be there for the whole procedure (what with the sedation and all), we had a little scheduling mix-up and had to bump my appointment to Monday. Since I’d sort of planned the weekend around a rigorous regimen of painkillers and sleeping, the whole re-scheduling thing meant that I suddenly found myself with a wide-open stretch-o-weekend and a horribly neglected DVR.

I haven’t intentionally neglected the DVR, mind you. I’ve wanted to have some quality DVR time, in fact. But I’ve been working on a little sideline project at night that has basically triggered my obsessive gene to SOARING NEW HEIGHTS OF OBSESSIVENESS, and as a result I’ve gotten way behind on all my normal shows.

(Except for Project Runway and Survivor. I always seem to make time for those. Along with Food Network and Bravo as the occasional background noise.)

Anyway, after I read your comments in the last post, I’ll have you know that I accomplished three significant TV-related achievements over the weekend: 1) I caught up on The Office (I am loving Andy as the boss and wanted to hug him after that garden party with his parents) 2) I caught up on Modern Family and 3) based on your recommendations, I totally caved and watched Revenge.

Listen. I have some thoughts about that third thing. So many, many thoughts about that third thing.

I had no idea what the show was about, so I was surprised to see a cross between Dallas (did anyone else think Southfork Inn was a wink at the Ewings? am I overthinking it?) and Dynasty combined with a hefty dose of Veronica Mars. I was also surprised to see that Revenge marks a television series return to the land of people who store their alcohol in crystal decanters (oh, Sue Ellen Ewing – you have been missed). Sweet mercy. I DO NOT MIND IT.

And Madeline Stowe as Victoria Grayson? SOLID GOLD. Plus, Victoria’s collection of stylish dresses would make Krystle Carrington and Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan so proud. Though Krystle would probably be puzzled by the fact that Victoria isn’t wearing more shoulder pads. Krystle is still trapped in the 80s, bless her heart.

My favorite part so far was in the last episode, when Conrad and Lydia were arguing at her sassy loft / penthouse / big city apartment. After he tossed the picture frame, she picked it up – then grabbed a magnifying glass off the desk so that she could examine the photo more closely. A MAGNIFYING GLASS. Because, you know, she just happened to have a magnifying glass sitting around. AS WE ALL DO.

What up, Mrs. Columbo?

All that to say: I think I’m hooked. I don’t want to be hooked, but I’m pretty sure I’m hooked. And I also think that maybe Emily and Nolan are brother and sister but don’t know it yet. Their hair is the same color and their clothes always (sort of) match – almost like we’re supposed to associate them with one another.

Clearly I need to take a step back from this situation and maybe REACQUAINT MYSELF WITH REALITY.

Odds are that the whole wisdom tooth removal will probably be the perfect antidote to the Graysons and Emily and the fact that David Clarke was framed. HE WAS FRAMED.

So see? It all works out.

Have a great Monday, everybody!

…but I am over here today.

And I’m talking about TV.

SHOCKING, I know.